How do I overcome trauma from an old dom so i can be better for my husband/Dom

[Lostsub]

Hi, 

About 16 yrs ago i had a relationship with a dom that was very bad to the point i nearly died. I have pushed all my memories of it to the back of my head for so many years now but recently my husband/ dom wants to have a little join us in our marriage at first i was ok i think but then my memories started to resurface and it caused really bad depression for me. I want to be better for my husband as he loves being a dom and helping subs that need it, how do i stop the bad stuff from ruining the good. I love bdsm and i love being a sub and hubby/dom is trying to show me the right way i was supposed to be introduced to it, but because of my past he can’t be who he wants to be and that’s not fair on him or the little {they stopped the relationship because of my reaction to my past}

[Toucan]

Wow, that's tough, I'm sorry. I don't know any other way except to process the trauma, which can take a lot of time and effort. Some therapists specialize in trauma, and there are whole approaches dedicated to it. You can check out EMDR, the research is great, and it's much faster than talk therapy.
The extra bonus is that all that energy you now spend on suppressing the trauma will be freed in the end, and you will feel more powerful than ever. Hope things go well!

[Lostsub]

Thank you i have talked to a lot of therapists but they don’t really give me much to help me through it. My hubby/dom is trying to be as understanding as he can but i never told him about any other trauma until my memories came back, i just don’t want to feel like I’m disappointing my hubby/dom cause i do want this to work i love bdsm and feeling free when I’m a sub, do i just suck it up and push my memories back so he can be him 

[garbitch]

You should definitely not push those memories away they will always come through somehow and in the end u *** yourself to do things you aren’t ready to do which causes even more trauma. Yes it is important to be a good Sub but before that you have to be comfortable. Working through trauma can be really hard you have to remember everything and realize that it’s not your fault what happend. Obvy it’s also not your hubbys fault or the little one you tried to introduce but YOU have to ask yourself what you truly want and what you are comfortable with. If your hubby is a good Dom and loves you he will work through this with you and would never push you to do things you aren’t comfortable with. I would say ask youself what you want in the end only you can help yourself only you can heal from your trauma other people can support you but they can’t do the work. I truly hope you get through this all the best ❤️

[Pe****]

Your mental health comes before anything. You need to address your trauma first.
Your husband should understand and be supportive.
You said he wants a little to join the two of you. You didn’t say how you felt about it.
Do you want/are you ok with that scenario??

[Je****]

This post made me so sad, as i feel so similar in my trauma, way of expressing it, the triggers and feeling of holding someone back. I have no advice because I haven't even found what can help me yet 😔❤️

[ki****]

Sending big hugs! Wish I could give you a answer unfortunately I can’t as I haven’t found the answer. Don’t bottle it up. Share your thoughts and feelings he should understand and help you

[Deleted Member]

Wow.. you had that experience 16 years ago and you’re profile says you are 26 years old.. that means you had that “dom” when you where 10 years old? That sounds like some serious trauma.

I would strongly advise some professional trauma counseling then because you clearly have a lot of bottled up trauma from an age where you where not able to grasp fully what was being done to you. It seems like now only the first signs are coming to light about your trauma.

I hope you can find some good help and that your husband is supportive during this process because dealing with past trauma like this can be a really intensive period and I hope you have some supportive people around you during.

[Chloebear]

There’s some good advice here. I agree with both main strands: if you are not ready for or not ok with a new sub joining your dynamic, then that’s ok, whatever the reason. Hopefully your husband understands the reasons. It sounds like you’re putting pressure on yourself to do something because you want to make him happy, many subs and people in relationships in general feel this pressure - talk about it with him, make sure there’s a clear understanding of what’s going on. I suspect he’ll be more supportive than your own head is being! (From personal experience.)

Second, therapy for trauma is a good idea. A trauma specialist and emdr were mentioned. Again, these are good recommendations. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can be useful too. I personally found emdr to be a turning point on the specific trauma I had, which was the same as you mention. It’s never completely gone but it’s gone enough that I can do most things with a trusted partner. In general, my triggers for it are pretty low now. Actually, it’s about 16 years ago for me too… I’d really recommend looking into emdr.

 

Hope you find some peace of mind. You have my absolute sympathy and empathy, keep working on it though because recovery is possible xx

[Deleted Member]

Start with the first thing: you don’t need to be ‘better for your Dom’. You want to get better to feel better in yourself.

If that’s not where you’re at, then you’re not ready.

If you DO want to feel better, healing takes time. Start by cantering YOU and your needs, not your Dom.

[QXX666]

16 years ago you were 10? But put aside this detail.
Not sure how experienced is your current Dom but it would help if you tell him your trauma. Then maybe he will think about taking someone else into the dynamic. You have to come back in a comfort zone before having someone else involved. It’s not fair for that person either.

[Babygirl88]

I have certain triggers from an ex. I haven't delt with mine and experienced one of my triggers a few weeks ago. Its set of my ptds again and I've shut off with everyone. I know I need to deal with it now. I thought I'd buried my issues enough but i haven't. Definitely take your time and if you don't feel comfortable, don't push yourself. Most of my trauma happened when i was 18 so around 16 years for me too. You sound like you feel like you're letting him down but you aren't, you need to heal and he loves you and I imagine likes feeling needed. Take your time to heal and always communicate with how you are feeling with your husband 🤗

[All3n]

You can't forget your past but you can let go of its power over you. Have open and clear communication, when you fell triggered stop and talk things through and slowly work yourself in with lots of positive rein***ment so aid in your mind associating with your husband/Dom and less of your past Dom. Time, effort, and positive rein***ment and stimulus is about the only way to disconnect bad memories so you connect with good ones.

[Deleted Member]

I think with all that aside it's normal to set boundaries in any relationship especially D/s relationships. Ask yourself is having someone else in your relationship something you really want OR are you agreeing to it because of them? At the end of the day you will never be happy if it doesn't work for the both of you. If you're not ok with it that is not something that makes you a " bad wife " it's a boundary and that's perfectly fine. Maybe I'm missing something here but that's what I feel about it

[Deleted Member]

I am so sorry for your past experience, no one should be put through that. 

I believe the best way to over come it is by talking to someone. It could be your husband or someone else. Just go through your triggers, hard as it seems lay them all out in the open. Discuss your feelings and your ***s going in to a Dynamic. Talk about your ***s and see how it goes with guidance.

[Dy****]

The fact that you are married to your Dom does spell out that while you need to be prioritized in this situation,  there is some "us" things to consider.

You didn't mention what your concerns are with having a new submissive enter your dynamic,  but the phrasing suggests that you have some problem with it.

Whether its inadequacy, jealousy, or something else, it is a must that you and your Dom discuss this. He has just as much investment in you, as you him.  At the very least, he should be (and I suspect is) considerate of your experience in the dynamic.  

EMDR and CBT methods of therapy could be useful for you.  But I also think finding a sex therapist who has more than an academic knowledge of BDSM would be useful to process some feelings you are experiencing, and potentially guide you and your Dom with introducing new partners to the dynamic,  if that is for sure on the table.

Communication is key in a dynamic,  I sense that you're feeling reluctant to voice concerns you have.  But you have the right to speak up and say what you need.  And your Dom has an obligation to hear you out and help you.  

I would imagine your marriage functions very close to a 24/7 dynamic at this point.....and Doms are responsible for what they put out there.  That includes how they manage emotional difficulties of their submissive.  He can't do it alone,  so guide him and tell him your concerns and how he can best help you.