Becoming a dom

[Deano78]

Good morning everyone! I just wanted to say hi as I am an aspiring Dom who found this site via a friend. I was never really that interested in Dom until I learned properly what it was about. I always believed everything I'd seen in that it looked like simply abusing people but have learned that it's absolutely not about that and that trust and caring are integral to being a proper Dom. I'm interested to guage experiences and also how you go about walking the walk, but mostly, doing it properly for a rewarding experience for all involved. I guess the first question is, what is the best way to approach it with someone? 

Thanks for listening! x

[CopperKnob]

Consent. Consent is the difference between kink and ***

[Do****]

Yes trust is always number one. There has to be communication. I have learned that if there is no communication than there’s no trust. Your approach should never feel creepy. Get to know someone first and see what are their interests. If they get weirded out by it than easy up. What I do is ask them what they were into, what were their desires, likes and fantasies, and Their curiosities. Also letting them know that you would never judge them and their likes. And they shouldn’t feel ashamed. I always let them know that I’m opened minded.

[Xx****]

I love the above advice and would add to take your time and start slow. Just like building trust and good communication.

[ge****]

First and foremost do some introspection, understand what makes you think you're an aspiring dominant, what kind of dominant you think you'd be, and what kind of submissive and dynamic you'd be looking for and be prepared to communicate that.
.
Learn as much as you can, read blogs and sites like this to inform yourself and understand what D/s means to both yourself and others.
.
Consent, respect, trust, consideration, knowledge and communication are all key - treat people as people first and foremost not as prospective submissives/dominants.
.
Get to know them as the person they are, get to know what makes them tick and what they desire as well as allowing them the same in return.
.
Once you're both ready to move to a more D/s related footing establish what limits and boundaries they may have and respect them, agree what the dynamic looks like and stick to it, have regular check ins etc to see if anything needs changing and that they're OK.
.
There's so much to take in so take it slow and don't expect to become a dominant, or to find a willing submissive overnight

[AProperDom]

I wanna tell you a little secret, being a Dom is just like being in love. No one needs to tell you you are in love, you just know it, through and through.Balls to Bones.

[Ph****]

The act of being a Dom is really how you view things. The Submissive is the person actually in charge and they are "giving" you control of them. They are letting you degrade, punish, or whatever kink they are into. That "control" can be taken away at anytime and must be respected like any other relationship.
In BDSM the relationship you have is the same in many ways, and different. It's built on trust, respect, and mutual understanding of wants and needs. Remove one and it doesn't work. You will build deeper bonds with someone then you think you will.
Communication is a must. If your bad at communicating either by phone or in person. You can't be an effective Dom.
And definitely do some soul searching and make sure your a solid individual. Make sure you got most your ducks in a row.

[CopperKnob]

7 minutes ago, PhilBren said:

The act of being a Dom is really how you view things. The Submissive is the person actually in charge and they are "giving" you control of them. They are letting you degrade, punish, or whatever kink they are into. That "control" can be taken away at anytime and must be respected like any other relationship.
In BDSM the relationship you have is the same in many ways, and different. It's built on trust, respect, and mutual understanding of wants and needs. Remove one and it doesn't work. You will build deeper bonds with someone then you think you will.
Communication is a must. If your bad at communicating either by phone or in person. You can't be an effective Dom.
And definitely do some soul searching and make sure your a solid individual. Make sure you got most your ducks in a row.

The submissive is not in charge and that's the whole point. They do not give control without receiving it back. It's a symbiotic relationship. An enth of dominance earns an enth of submission and it builds from there.
To think that a sub is in charge and has all the control is madness. It means that a Dom has none.
A sub may be in a predicament tie and safeword, they are still reliant on the Dom stopping and releasing them. On the flip, the Dom can stop at any time they please without safewording. Unless, you're saying they can't?

[Deano78]

Yes that's interesting and I have to agree about the control thing. Surely the sub is effectively gifting you control but it's still conditional and they have to have complete trust that the safe word for example, will be respected. To suggest they have all the power could be a dangerous path. If you convince yourself of that then what else could you convince yourself of?...

At this stage I'm just exploring the idea and would love to hear from any subs who can share their thoughts as well.

Also, I'm thinking from what I've learned, that a certain amount of emotional intelligence is essential on the part of the Dom. It seems to me that this might be where many go wrong? 

Thanks all!

Edited April 27, 2023 by Deano78
Update twice

[ge****]

7 minutes ago, Deano78 said:

Yes that's interesting and I have to agree about the control thing. Surely the sub is effectively gifting you control but it's still conditional and they have to have complete trust that the safe word for example, will be respected. To suggest they have all the power could be a dangerous path. If you convince yourself of that then what else could you convince yourself of?...

At this stage I'm just exploring the idea and would love to hear from any subs who can share their thoughts as well.

Also, I'm thinking from what I've learned, that a certain amount of emotional intelligence is essential on the part of the Dom. It seems to me that this might be where many go wrong? 

Thanks all!

I always look at it as two people on opposite sides of the same coin - effectively equals but with different roles, and as a result the control is held in a kind of balance - with both sides having the ability (notice I didn't say power) to take that control away from their own perspective.

[CopperKnob]

9 minutes ago, Deano78 said:

Yes that's interesting and I have to agree about the control thing. Surely the sub is effectively gifting you control but it's still conditional and they have to have complete trust that the safe word for example, will be respected. To suggest they have all the power could be a dangerous path. If you convince yourself of that then what else could you convince yourself of?...

At this stage I'm just exploring the idea and would love to hear from any subs who can share their thoughts as well.

Also, I'm thinking from what I've learned, that a certain amount of emotional intelligence is essential on the part of the Dom. It seems to me that this might be where many go wrong? 

Thanks all!

Also not a gift. I don't take things I've gifted to others back but I will take my submission back if a relationship ends.
I also don't gift things to others expecting anything in return, in return for my submission I'm expecting dominance. Submission is not altruistic

[Ob****]

Hey Deano, welcome to the d/s world :)
My perspective of kink/bdsm has been very similar to yours! I was not interested at all for most of my life as general society portrayed it so negatively, but recently having scratched the surface… it’s so unbelievably different to what I thought it was! It takes relationships, trust, communication and even self exploration to a whole new level.

Everybody has given you wonderfully great advice. For me a deep d/s bond can only develop from/involve trust, respect, consent, excellent communication… But how to get there? As a sub (and just a human being really) what Gemini man said about treating people as people first and getting to know the person is gold 💛
On these kink apps I often feel others see me like a list of kinks or only as some source of kinky/sexual gratification or experience (which I’m not). For me, getting to know the person behind the “Dom” tag, and vice versa, is integral to developing the connection and trust required.

[fa****]

D/s world is so rewarding your biggest role is looking after your sub her submission is so precious if you want do all the things you desire with her or him.

I like simple power exchanges outside the bedroom as well like picking hair styles and hair bands for her every day or underwear the small little things that only you and your sub know about.
Communication is key. And be willing to adapt evolve your dynamic.

I find collars more powerful than rings or marriage if made special taking ownership of a submissive is hot as fuck. I like the combination of day and night collars or play collar.

Nobody is ever a master it takes years and years to get good and evolve your dynamic it can make some pretty special relationships and adds layers to a relationship different from the normal.

[Deano78]

Thanks for the replies all, really interested to see where it goes. Also the different ways in which dom/sub manifests. Some seem to view the paraphernalia that sometimes goes with it as essential, whereas others seem to discard that altogether and focus purely on the mind. That in itself is interesting to me as bondage is something I've tried and enjoyed but I don't personally consider it as something that's important in this dynamic, if that makes sense?

[ge****]

1 hour ago, Deano78 said:

Thanks for the replies all, really interested to see where it goes. Also the different ways in which dom/sub manifests. Some seem to view the paraphernalia that sometimes goes with it as essential, whereas others seem to discard that altogether and focus purely on the mind. That in itself is interesting to me as bondage is something I've tried and enjoyed but I don't personally consider it as something that's important in this dynamic, if that makes sense?

And that's just kink mirroring life - if we all have the same views and tastes the world would be a very boring place

[Ky****]

On 4/27/2023 at 7:37 PM, CopperKnob said:

Consent. Consent is the difference between kink and ***

true consent is a must, but its not quite enough in law to prevent something being ***, we can consent to things and the D still be prosecuted, so personally I'd say its not consent its trust that is the difference, and by that I mean real trust not the way ***rs say you must trust them

[CopperKnob]

49 minutes ago, Kymi said:

true consent is a must, but its not quite enough in law to prevent something being ***, we can consent to things and the D still be prosecuted, so personally I'd say its not consent its trust that is the difference, and by that I mean real trust not the way ***rs say you must trust them

Agreed
I'd suggest that a certain level of trust is required before anything requiring consent is discussed, on both sides. Trust is then built upon as time goes on.
I think what I was responding to was the OPs thought that BDSM is ***. The difference is consent which isn't likely to be given (maybe coerced but certainly not informed/explicit) without trust.

[Nocturne]

It seems what I'd typed out has failed to post.

I'll keep it brief.

I'm quite new myself, but here's some things I pay extra mind to.

For me personally, Dominance is about guiding my sub(s) and I take on a caring and sadistic role, those things can be combined. Ask yourself and evaluate what becoming a Dom means to you. Take the time to think about it, write it down if you want. What appeals to you, what makes you feel this way and such.

Communicate thoroughly about what you both expect in a dynamic if you want to engage with a sub. Be open and see where you are compatible, it will never be 100%, so see what you want to explore together.

Don't let anyone pressure you into something you don't want, when talking about consent there is a misconception that *** comes from the Dom onto the sub, this is possible, but it is also possible for a sub to *** a Dom, given we are all people and more than our archetypes. Be mindful of consent, for them but also for yourself. 

Don't let anyone try to diminish your roles and dynamics, if another Dom tells you they'll make you into a sub, some people are like that, don't take it personally and try not to engage.

The most important things are SSC: Safe, sane and consensual. Communication is important in any relationship, but even more so when BDSM is involved.

Best of luck, feel free to message me if you'd like to talk about experiences or simply have a chat. 

[Charlierw5775]

I'm new to the D/s experience as well and have been reading this message stream. It's super helpful and reinforcing. Thanks!

[Deano78]

Thanks all, I think I'm getting a clear picture of what it means to be a Dom and also of my own preferences. I guess the difficulty is in talking that first step and finding someone that's willing to engage in a similar way. How do you approach people without coming across as scary lol?

[ge****]

29 minutes ago, Deano78 said:

Thanks all, I think I'm getting a clear picture of what it means to be a Dom and also of my own preferences. I guess the difficulty is in talking that first step and finding someone that's willing to engage in a similar way. How do you approach people without coming across as scary lol?

By not being a "Dom" when you contact them and treating them as you would any other person you encounter in life.
.
Get to know them as a person first and a potential partner in kink second - sure there may be overlaps and a need to establish similar kink interests, but that can be done without being "Domly" - let things evolve naturally rather than trying to *** the D/s angle.
.
As a submissive myself, I don't see anyone calling themselves a dominant as *a* dominant, and certainly not *my* dominant - for that to potentially be the case I need to feel submissive to them and that can only come from getting to know them as a person.