Looking for some advice on this. (Sorry in advance for the rant I appreciate the advice though)

[Deleted Member]

Hey all I wanna start off saying I really appreciate those of u who take the time to read and offer advice on this. I'm new to BDSM and sex in general, In other sense I'm literally a complete virgin whose only experience is jerking off to BDSM porn. But the other night I matched with and started chatting with a girl on Tinder who I honestly think is way outtakes my league, but she encouraged me and said that I wasn't so I gave her my number and we started chatting. I opened up to her about my kinks and fetishes and she loved them (one is yoga pants and when I told her she literally kept sending me pics wearing yoga pants cause she knew it was turning me on lol it was a great convo). And I asked if we could meet up and she said she was down, we where gonna grab food, hang out casual and just see what happened from there. She than made a request that she has a gay (maybe bi) friend who wants to suck off a straight dude and she thought it would be kinky and hot if I let him. I responded I might be open, but I really wanna spend time with and get to know her a bit first and I also really dont want my first sexual experience to be with another dude. But I said when we hung out we could talk about it and I'd think about till than. She prematurely gave my number to him so I had both texting me about it. (She was pushing for it more than the dude honestly). I eventually told her that I didnt appreciate the hounding (for lack of a better word) and I needed time to think about it and would be happy to discuss when we met in person on Monday. She replied "Sorry 😓" i replied that it was ok and explained myself again but I haven't heard from her since. (That convo was last night) I sent her a Good moring text and pic of something she said she wanted to see me in the night before and had an idea I wanted to run by her that would make me more comfortable with the whole thing. But I haven't heard back. You think she's that ***ed cause I needed time to think or wanted to give her my V-Card first before doing this for her friend?? Lol thanks for reading my rant though and I appreciate any comments or advice I've had such shit luck in dating lol 😅😂

[ey****]

while there is potentially some context missing, this doesn't sound great.

it may be that "she" doesn't exist and was always a guy with a fetish for interaction with straight guys

it may be that she does, but was merely just bait.

while other possibilities exist - the fact she was trying to set you up without even meeting you is not a good sign.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you sir, that is my *** in this honestly. It's frustrating cause I can usually tell but on all BDSM dating sites the only people who I feel message with me are people trying to scam or mistresses who aren't respectful of the fact I'm still a full time grad student (which makes me think they are probably scammers as well) who is new and looking to explore and figure all this out. And then apps like tinder most people unmatched me or ghost me when I ask if they be willing to help me explore some kinks (all more on the submissive side). Or it's people I know and die to the nature of my family/job/school I have to keep my kink interests on the DL. But your always willing to offer advice as I see you replying to so many posts hear so I appreciate ur willingness to help! Fingers crossed I'll find someone eventually though hahaha!

[ey****]

one bit of advice is always to diversify how you look for people.  it is really sad there are so many scams being run (this is true for all aspects of dating, for "men seeking..." and "women seeking...") so it's always good to stay vigilant.

always look to constantly learn and better yourself also. it leaves you in a good position when you do have a match that's going somewhere.

Honestly, I've been in conversations with people I know are real that went nowhere - and it's just a case of keeping vigilant.  The more you can learn, the more the odds of things working out.

[BigPolly]

@eyemblacksheep has given you some great advice. Don’t be disheartened, sometimes it feels like it’s hard to get off the starting block trying to find what you want or someone you’re matched with. No matter what kind of relationship you have you have to be comfortable, if you’ve already expressed that you want to experience one area first before moving onto something else then stick to your guns & don’t be pushed into anything you’re not happy with especially in BDSM as that will put you off wanting to play anymore. This girl trying to push something on you when you’re not ready is unfair. Kinks can be explored from both parties but only if you are both comfortable with it, don’t do anything just to please someone else. Experiences should be exciting & mind blowing they should not stress you out. Within BDSM you need to have patience to find what you want & I know that sounds boring but it stops you having bad experiences. Please don’t think you’re the only one who has had a bad time dating as many of us have been through the same. Have you tried Munches or Fetclubs near you? Also if you are keen to have your first experience exactly how you want it to be then there is always the option of visiting a Pro. But as for dating, like eyem says just stay vigilant.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for the advice @BigPollyand yeah I plan on keeping at it, I am still in school full time though so I can't really afford a pro (I've thought about it and have some I follow I just couldn't afford tributes). And dont really know of any fetclubs or how to get into any munches near me. Do you know what a good way to find em may be? Again though I appreciate all the advice and I'm sure I'll find someone eventually to share my fantasies, kinks, and fetishes with, just gotta stick with it!

[BigPolly]

That’s understandable. I’ve no idea where Paxton is but having a search on Google or on one of the other Fet sites, that might throw something your way.

You're right, just stick with it & it will pay off. 😁 

[MistressMettle]

Big red flags here. The fact that she was pushing to get someone else involved so soon when that wasn't how you matched is not a good sign that there's honesty there. She might not be who she says she is. Secondly to not appreciate your boundaries or privacy in several ways is a big red flag especially in a BDSM context. Giving away your details without consent is not ok. Also after you've said that's not what you want, to continue hounding you is unacceptable. If this early on this person is behaving this way I'd say they're not a good person to start exploring BDSM with. You need someone that will allow you to explore within your boundaries and make sure excitement isn't making you get into things you might regret.

[Deleted Member]

Id run a mile and not risk meeting people like that.As a strait person i can't imagine in any way why having a sexual encounter with another guy as part of a first meet could be pleasant for you.Most people as far as i know that seek a long term relationship would hear the alarm bells.I can imagine the person you were in contact with may actually be male.To be honest we can all pretend to be anyone we choose to be online.Even during chats with people here i try to make them fully aware of the way i think and what i hope to get from a relationship and find out what they want as well.Id like to think you had a lucky escape.It's a great idea to meet people in a public place for the first meet and let someone know where,with whom and whether it's a dste or something more.I break those rules sometimes but meet in public places,even if it's in the bushes or a sauna.You'll be fine.You realised something wasn't quite right.Good luck in the future.. .

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for the replies and advice @debbi and @MistressMettle! Yeah I respectively called out the other person shortly after to ask for the truth and ended conversation with them at that (never got a response which confirms suspicions to me). I took a break to let frustration settle cause honestly I think part of the reason I was so hopeful hear that while they turned out to be a catfish they where a bot which is most contact I get via dating apps and such. But we're back and giving it all another go. I do really appreciate the advice and community here though!!