The Mystery of the First Message

[CopperKnob]

4 minutes ago, InNeedofLove said:

I must have reached out to 30 or so ladies on Fet, 1 ended up in a conversation where Fet blocked her, and then 1 special one that resulted in a weekend of pure bliss… all my starting messages are proper greetings and asking how they are doing or if they are busy or a nice non-rude comment on a point in their profile or pics…

The rest ended up in dead end no responses, and its starting to feel like a “nice guys finish last” situation…

My weekend partner (in her own words) called me the Unicorn of the app as we get along really well and still speak every day,, but why wont others just get past the initial hallo and at least be the slight bit responsive…

(Granted I need more info on my profile, so dont hammer me on that just yet, but that didn’t stop me from making a serious connection)

"But why wont others just get past the initial hallo and at least be the slight bit responsive..."
Because no matter what you wrote, it didn't speak to them, because nothing in your profile spoke to them, because they're busy with their own lives, because you don't interest them, because they don't owe you their time.
"Nice guys" or those that feel the need to tell others their "nice" will always finish last because the truth is that they aren't "nice"

[InNeedofLove]

3 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

"But why wont others just get past the initial hallo and at least be the slight bit responsive..."
Because no matter what you wrote, it didn't speak to them, because nothing in your profile spoke to them, because they're busy with their own lives, because you don't interest them, because they don't owe you their time.
"Nice guys" or those that feel the need to tell others their "nice" will always finish last because the truth is that they aren't "nice"

I dont pretent for one second that I am entitled to anyones time or attention, and if a proper greeting is not what most people appreciate, then I guess I’m shit out of luck for being raised differently…

[ge****]

12 minutes ago, InNeedofLove said:

I must have reached out to 30 or so ladies on Fet, 1 ended up in a conversation where Fet blocked her, and then 1 special one that resulted in a weekend of pure bliss… all my starting messages are proper greetings and asking how they are doing or if they are busy or a nice non-rude comment on a point in their profile or pics…

The rest ended up in dead end no responses, and its starting to feel like a “nice guys finish last” situation…

My weekend partner (in her own words) called me the Unicorn of the app as we get along really well and still speak every day,, but why wont others just get past the initial hallo and at least be the slight bit responsive…

(Granted I need more info on my profile, so dont hammer me on that just yet, but that didn’t stop me from making a serious connection)

Simple rules of attraction really - you can't appeal to everyone just as people don't appeal to you. Sadly because of the behaviour of *some* men, women will protect themselves from potential *** by only replying to those they choose to, and who they find appealing or attractive, or can see aren't immediately looking to meet etc.
.
Is nothing to do with "nice guys finish last" and all about expectations (along with attitude and approach).
.
Think about it this way - as you walk down the street, if you pass 100 women you'll maybe find 20% of them attractive (purely on a physical level) to the point you'd be interested in something more with them - of those 20% - maybe 20% will be equally interested so 4 of the original 100 - now at the initial interaction with those 4, maybe 3 won't be of interest afterwards - so you're very quickly down to 1.
.
Now apply that logic to sites like this and perhaps you see why finding people to interact with takes time to find the right ones.

[Deleted Member]

16 minutes ago, InNeedofLove said:

I must have reached out to 30 or so ladies on Fet, 1 ended up in a conversation where Fet blocked her, and then 1 special one that resulted in a weekend of pure bliss… all my starting messages are proper greetings and asking how they are doing or if they are busy or a nice non-rude comment on a point in their profile or pics…

The rest ended up in dead end no responses, and its starting to feel like a “nice guys finish last” situation…

My weekend partner (in her own words) called me the Unicorn of the app as we get along really well and still speak every day,, but why wont others just get past the initial hallo and at least be the slight bit responsive…

(Granted I need more info on my profile, so dont hammer me on that just yet, but that didn’t stop me from making a serious connection)

It depends on what you expect to find,
Someone normal to talk? That’s what speaks to me don’t start by “hey babe let’s fuck”
Start as a human being and go by that.
Who wants that will answer, if they don’t you got your answer.

[gl****]

4 minutes ago, Kitten-69 said:

It depends on what you expect to find,
Someone normal to talk? That’s what speaks to me don’t start by “hey babe let’s fuck”
Start as a human being and go by that.
Who wants that will answer, if they don’t you got your answer.

Well said that Lady!

[InNeedofLove]

6 minutes ago, Kitten-69 said:

It depends on what you expect to find,
Someone normal to talk? That’s what speaks to me don’t start by “hey babe let’s fuck”
Start as a human being and go by that.
Who wants that will answer, if they don’t you got your answer.

Says the one that spent a weekend quivering at my every command and touch after a very decent “hey, how is your saturday going?”

[CopperKnob]

2 minutes ago, InNeedofLove said:

Says the one that spent a weekend quivering at my every command and touch after a very decent “hey, how is your saturday going?”

Airing dirty laundry on my OP isn't acceptable. Take it to DM's please

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, InNeedofLove said:

Says the one that spent a weekend quivering at my every command and touch after a very decent “hey, how is your saturday going?”

Well well, and didn’t you enjoy every bit of it

[InNeedofLove]

5 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Airing dirty laundry on my OP isn't acceptable. Take it to DM's please

My apologies, no intention of highjacking your OP, was just witty banter… will go sit in the corner now 😔

[4R****]

58 minutes ago, Quiltykitten said:

Own it Sir… I have had to bring you rather up to s***d on a number of topics 😝

BRAT!

[Lu****]

I feel the part "read our profile" should be in all caps with flashing red lights around it. But those who need this message won't see it, same as they won't see this write up either!

[4R****]

3 minutes ago, LunaMaeve said:

I feel the part "read our profile" should be in all caps with flashing red lights around it. But those who need this message won't see it, same as they won't see this write up either!

Why on earth would anyone want to take the time to read a profile and learn a bit about the person when they can jump straight into DM's and make demands? 

[gl****]

3 minutes ago, 4RCH said:

Why on earth would anyone want to take the time to read a profile and learn a bit about the person when they can jump straight into DM's and make demands? 

I think you are assuming that the people (I use the term loosely!) are as normal and decent as the majority of the rest of us are. I suspect that most of them are in fact keyboard warriors who wouldn't know what to do if they had the courage to say something to a girl in real life who said yes in reply!

[un****]

3 minutes ago, 4RCH said:

Why on earth would anyone want to take the time to read a profile and learn a bit about the person when they can jump straight into DM's and make demands? 

who need’s a profile anyways people *definitely* read them before they say anything

[4R****]

3 minutes ago, undeaddom said:

who need’s a profile anyways people *definitely* read them before they say anything

Exactly!

Perhaps we should dispense with profiles altogether and just have a list of usernames with a message button next to each. 😂

[Ae****]

(Some) people in general lack compassion, the ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes.
Then look down on those who aren't good enough in their estimation.

When we gain more understanding of others, their actions will bug us less. And we can even be quite kind to them in their clumsiness, aware that we are the same, no better, we've all been there, and in turn there are many people who go away scratching their heads after they've suffered through interacting with us.

[do****]

Well said 💜

[Se****]

3 hours ago, 4RCH said:

You're younger than me...... I feel attacked!  
You're never too old for TikTok!

Hmmmm. Maybe those that agree are too old 😜

[Se****]

2 hours ago, 4RCH said:

BRAT!

Lolol

[Se****]

2 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Airing dirty laundry on my OP isn't acceptable. Take it to DM's please

Be careful of your wording. It may end up in your DMs

[Se****]

3 hours ago, Quiltykitten said:

Own it Sir… I have had to bring you rather up to s***d on a number of topics 😝

😁😁 x

[ey****]

One of the things

Men who send inappropriate messages *know* they are doing so.    They really do.  Some might give a little benefit of the doubt - we all made mistakes, it's easy to rush in, it can be difficult to navigate - etc - and this is something the guys doing so also rely on

But let's assume it IS a genuine mistake.  The recipient owes the sender no education.  Because "here is a godawful message" should never translate to "OK, I am now going to spend time out of my day setting this person on the right track" - but is also why writings like this ARE important because if someone stumbles and it's a genuine mistake they'll go "oops" and right themselves without demand of labour.

 

Anyway.  The other day I got an awful copy/paste message on a profile that folk-who-don't-read-it sometimes mistake for being a woman.    And you know. I do try to reply messages on there, so I did... 

A reply of "Do you copy paste this to everyone?"  a reply I received was "No, I did it for your benefit to try and break the ice - glad it worked - how are you?" - and this, simple, and to the point is an example of someone who does this deliberately because *any* response is a response and they try to then use that as an in.   (what happens next is I reply "not into small talk" and there was then a section of 3 messages where he was pushing into 'big talk' but yet didn't have a topic so was pushing the whole labour of conversation onto me, who he still thought was a woman as he still hadn't read the profile) 

But you know, it sometimes works. Because there's a reply and then there's the kinda pleading dumb, feigning it was a mistake when it's often very deliberate.

I mean it might be at some point someone thinks, you know - I approached this lazily, or the wrong way and it didn't help my chances which can be both an acknowledgement of growth and that their deliberate strategy was flawed - but that isn't going to happen by someone replying giving them the time of day anyway.

 

The other thing. And this is savage but true. 

Men also in general are aware of the terrible behaviour or approaches of other men.  And it sucks, it really does.  That like I might message someone tomorrow and get no response and it be they appreciated my well thought message BUT were not interested AND didn't want to reply a "aww, sorry, this isn't going to work - hope you do find what you're looking for" for *** I then turn into the arsehole.  I know I won't do that. They don't.  Such is life.

And so yep, this sucks for men who don't get responses.  But the second you kinda make it "but I don't do that" or "I'm nice" or so on - it still negates - that the response is to call out the shitty behaviour rather than adding your own.

Cos sending someone a message that isn't crude, graphic, inappropriate, etc. is the bare minimum.   It's like applying for a job and typing up the cover letter rather than writing it in crayon using your toes.  It's a minimum standard.  Like, being nice isn't an interest or a personality trait.

We're SUPPOSED to be nice.  Like, I'm lovely (haha) but if someone wants a monogamous, Dominant, who is into giving them anal and loves cricket and opera - then, we don't have that much in common however good I make a message to them.

[Ch****]

There is a lot to say about mystery of first message, especially from man side I’d say.
I beg you to read until the end…

Us man, generically speaking, text way more often that woman do, so there is a numeric factor of higher chances, of us taking zero answers at all or dead silence after the second( if we are lucky to get there) message.

Insecurity is not a burden or a sin to have;
for us male it’s just something normal like for anyone else that is tent to be seen by woman, generally speaking, as a red flag, while on the other hand an insecure woman is not big issue for us, or no issue at all.

I’ve never sent a dick pic or anything as such in my life, unless I was asked to of course , and I’ll never do that without consent, but on the other hand I received most of the time a very cold, ghostly, detached or no answer at all answers, and look I’m not the poor unlucky, victim here, I could speak for most man…
You (woman) tell us to be just ourself, to be honest and fair, but in reality you don’t want that (you wouldn’t want to deal with the “real us” at least when you start a convo I mean, and I’m speaking facts here)
You tell us to be funny here in chat, to make you laugh, to be original, but I’ve seen most of your approaches here on apps and is very basic, the same basic intros that you wouldn’t want to receive or that you would discard with no hesitation.
There are many experiment done with woman making a male profile on dating apps; they immediately got how frustrating it is, you can do it yourself too if you want to acknowledge it.

I’ve seen and known myself, including my own partner, woman complaining about the quantity of messages in the inbox, that they receive daily.
Agreed that most of them are shitty ones, agreed that can be annoying, but at least you have that.
At least you can feel desired and wanted, even if the man don’t appeal you, at least you don’t feel completely ignored, at least if you want you could fuck over your solitude, you could even spoon with that person even if for a little while…
The amount of solitude that man can experiment is mostly inconceivable by most of woman


Said all that I very despise bad attitudes from our side, I really do, It’s very bad and nonsense to send dick pics not asked:
but I also need to make clear some other points that are so often unseen and not dealt with the right prospective and importance.

In conclusion the problem I see here and not only here btw, is a profound communication issue between man and woman;
at the same time I see a luck of awareness of how man and woman works biologically speaking, plus a non awareness of how man and woman are treated by dating apps..

[ge****]

45 minutes ago, Charlie218 said:

There is a lot to say about mystery of first message, especially from man side I’d say.
I beg you to read until the end…

Us man, generically speaking, text way more often that woman do, so there is a numeric factor of higher chances, of us taking zero answers at all or dead silence after the second( if we are lucky to get there) message.

Insecurity is not a burden or a sin to have;
for us male it’s just something normal like for anyone else that is tent to be seen by woman, generally speaking, as a red flag, while on the other hand an insecure woman is not big issue for us, or no issue at all.

I’ve never sent a dick pic or anything as such in my life, unless I was asked to of course , and I’ll never do that without consent, but on the other hand I received most of the time a very cold, ghostly, detached or no answer at all answers, and look I’m not the poor unlucky, victim here, I could speak for most man…
You (woman) tell us to be just ourself, to be honest and fair, but in reality you don’t want that (you wouldn’t want to deal with the “real us” at least when you start a convo I mean, and I’m speaking facts here)
You tell us to be funny here in chat, to make you laugh, to be original, but I’ve seen most of your approaches here on apps and is very basic, the same basic intros that you wouldn’t want to receive or that you would discard with no hesitation.
There are many experiment done with woman making a male profile on dating apps; they immediately got how frustrating it is, you can do it yourself too if you want to acknowledge it.

I’ve seen and known myself, including my own partner, woman complaining about the quantity of messages in the inbox, that they receive daily.
Agreed that most of them are shitty ones, agreed that can be annoying, but at least you have that.
At least you can feel desired and wanted, even if the man don’t appeal you, at least you don’t feel completely ignored, at least if you want you could fuck over your solitude, you could even spoon with that person even if for a little while…
The amount of solitude that man can experiment is mostly inconceivable by most of woman


Said all that I very despise bad attitudes from our side, I really do, It’s very bad and nonsense to send dick pics not asked:
but I also need to make clear some other points that are so often unseen and not dealt with the right prospective and importance.

In conclusion the problem I see here and not only here btw, is a profound communication issue between man and woman;
at the same time I see a luck of awareness of how man and woman works biologically speaking, plus a non awareness of how man and woman are treated by dating apps..

The thing is you say that men feel ignored and in solitude but ultimately that comes down to them having their expectations correctly set in the first place - if they join sites like this and "expect" to get responses then they're going to be disappointed.
.
Equally you say at least women feel desired because of the volume of messages they get, but I'd argue they actually feel the opposite of that because it must feel like they're not actually desired for them the person but as a kink/sex dispenser and it doesn't matter who they are - which is actually pretty undesirable.
.
Yes, that awkward first message can be a minefield and personally I think is one of the worst and most frustrating ways to approach sites like this one, which is why I almost never send messages to people I've had no interaction with previously.
.
The mistake many men make is to think that the *only* way to approach sites like this is to send blind messages to random profiles - when actually there are many other ways - using the forums is a great one, as it gives something to spark conversation from, likewise the chat rooms.
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Then it comes back to the thing I said further up the thread about accepting you won't be attractive to, or attracted by, everyone and therefore can't expect a response from all, or even a small percentage of people you contact if you do so blindly.
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The way to making sites like this work for you comes down to five things - expectations, attitude, approach, profile and pics - get them right and it won't guarantee a thing but it'll make the experience a lot better and you'll accept that not getting a response isn't necessarily a bad thing or a slur on you.

[do****]

I just love healthy communication 💜. Some people can learn a lot from this thread. I appreciate people honesty 😊