The Mystery of the First Message

[Se****]

8 hours ago, Charlie218 said:

Ok you’ve made a point and I also think that look is not all, even if on apps it counts so much.

But let aside the look for a second, you mention that someone to attract you have to “engage your mind”: I honestly ask you how the hell to do that on an app haha.

I genuinely wanna know it, because if we meet live it’s another question, you see me, my body language, my expressions could speak to you, or not off course..
But here? You don’t even know how my voice sound like..
You also say that even from a Fet’s Brad Pitt if he says just hi you won’t even consider it.
May I ask why not?
Wouldn’t you consider someone saying “hi” if you meet him in some bar or clubs?

Ok so meeting irl versus online has been covered quite extensively in previous forum posts (definitely in one of my posts re messaging) - but very briefly, no I wouldn’t. You came to me you need to have more than “hi” otherwise you’re expecting me to lead the conversation when I didn’t approach you.
 

Engaging my mind could be ANYTHING, really anything at all. Some of the people I chat with said hello and told me about their lives and reasons for being here, some reached out because something I’ve posted caught their attention, recently someone even sent me a riddle. It really could be anything, it isn’t specific (and I’m aware the word anything will leave me open to backlash as I’m saying “hi” won’t work), sometimes messaging comes from interactions in forums too. 

What will absolutely not get my attention is “hi/hey” or any derivatives thereof with no further substance. WHY are you messaging me with so little effort, what is the point? I have tried to engage in conversations that connect like that previously and it has NEVER worked there is nothing “meaty” to build from. It may well work for some people but it just doesn’t for me. It also makes me think they send the same to multiple people and their interest isn’t really with me. Neither as a general rule will “how are you?” - good. The end. Or “so, what are you looking for?” - my profile answers this, read it please. The end. 
 

My best advice - don’t send a message (first messages I mean) that can be answered with a one word or emoji reply. It doesn’t start conversation flowing. Ask a question or give information that needs a longer answer. 

[Se****]

5 hours ago, Charlie218 said:

I have a bunch of questions hahah

Why you think someone is expecting something from you?

Just a polite hi back would be enough, and then see where it goes..
Also why do you feel the weight of the convo is on you?

Starting a convo is already an effort, someone is starting it, maybe we are taking this for granted?
How many conversation do you start and how do you start them?

Why we must have the role of making the effort to text, to text something to “tickle your mind” and carry the convo on too?
It would be good to rebalance this in order that famous equality we all talk about..

Maybe if nobody would have Ever said hi to you, this “hi” it wouldn’t bother you so much..
So again are you declining “hi” somewhere live too?
It’s not clear to me…

I’m not asking anyone to take the role of making the effort to text something to tickle my mind. And therein lies the issue - if you’re messaging me I am not asking you to do it. You’re doing it off your own back for whatever your reason may be. So, if you’re going to pick me out and message me I’d expect that you’d have more to say to me than hi. If not, why message. 

and for the record re “equality” I practice what I preach. If I send a first message it’s for a reason and it NEVER simply says hi/how are you/is generic. So, 🤷🏼‍♀️

[ey****]

9 hours ago, Charlie218 said:

that meeting people online is a very hard job for us, despite all the auto analysis the effort, the improving etc

finding people you are compatible with is, in general difficult

for everyone

and online... well... there are assorted surveys and reports but in general most people finding long term relationships - only 6-8% is from online.  Despite the rise of online platforms

This is behind things like 

via friends (18-38%)
at work (15-18%)

at bars and social events (12-15%)

and via hobbies (5-9%)

so generally if you are actively looking for a partner you would have more luck just going out socialising or taking up a new hobby

and it is important to acknowledge that finding people online is difficult.  Too many kinda fall into an "it's easy for you" mentality - when it's not, it's difficult for everyone and online becomes it's own form of challenges.  

[ey****]

6 hours ago, Charlie218 said:

Just a polite hi back would be enough, and then see where it goes..
Also why do you feel the weight of the convo is on you?

for the majority of people they have found this via their own experiences.

They have a hi, and, ok, polite reply see how it goes.  "hi"

we then often sink into small talk, be it "how are you?" or "would you like to talk?"

now in terms of "reply and see where it goes", if it goes into small talk - it's dead. 

And the lady in these scenarios has three options.  She can (a) entertain small talk to see if it goes anywhere (spoiler, it rarely does. It typically goes how are you, how is your day, wanna fuck) (b) end the conversation, at which points she is accused of not giving the person a chance - or - (c) she can try to break the small talk which typically involves her carrying the conversation

And when person x contacts person y, if person x is expecting person y to do the work, it's exhausting. They called them.

You know, there's guys particularly contact me on another profile and I always flatten them the same way - they go "wanna chat" and I go, "sure! what about?" that's all it takes to kill the conversation.  Because, to cut some slack there's plenty of people I'd love to talk to but don't really know what about - and, you know this might be easier if we bumped into each other in a bar, but online it just goes "I want to talk to you but don't know what to say, so the onus is on YOU"

This ties into what I've said previously about conversation skills and this is something people need to work on - because otherwise you have someone who *may* be up for chatting, but certainly doesn't want to carry the conversation.

The other thing a bit.  If a lady wakes up to 4 messages that are just "hey" and one where the person has attempted to articulate, while she's under no obligation to reply to any of them - if she did which one do you think is most likely to get a reply?

Small side note.

There is a lady who is a Pro Domme who decided for two years (jesus wept) she would reply virtually every message.  In her case the metrics was how many ended in a booking. She reserved her right in this decision to abandon conversations clearly going nowhere or those crude, threatening, vulgar etc - and her findings were pretty much simple "hey"/"how are you" type messages ended in a booking a small percentage of the time, whereas people who contacted her well ended in a booking most times.

There could be many reasons for this.  Be it that the "hey" guys were more likely to get off to just chatting, or that they hadn't reached the communication skills to articulate well.  

Of course, sure, there are a lot of women who have poor profiles and that gives guys very little to kinda go off, but there's no obligation to contact someone with a poor profile.   Even then if you can't think of much above "hey, how are you?" there's still scope here to improve.

Like, I dunno -if I stumbled upon someone beautiful, and local with a poor profile then I could just as well ask her about the area she lives or if she attends any local munches.   Because, to be honest, when you ask "how are you?" you get little above "I'm good thanks" whereas a question about - I dunno, "I see you're from Newcastle, have you ever been to the munch" opens so many conversation possibilities depending on the response.

People tend to know they'll be carrying the conversation as they've made the mistake of replying to poor approaches in the past.   Like, you're trying to impress someone who has interested you.  Make it at least a little better than "how's your day been?"