Re-enacting *** in BDSM?

[Ethan-USMC]

Hey all. New here. I’m Ethan, been married to my partner eight years, friends for nine***. Recently he’s brought up the subject of submission, me being in control etc. I don’t know how to feel about that. To keep this as brief as possible, growing up he was sexually ***d frequently and sexual *** and *** of sex continued into his adult life. Until Easter last year, we hadn’t had sex for six years. Let’s just say I became very well-acquainted with my right hand. He’s dissociated in bed before and I’m worried if we bring this into the relationship it’s going to set him back. I don’t want to be someone who has more power than him, or for him to turn me into someone who’s going to hurt him in his head. I don’t know enough about this to bring it up with him yet (definitely will be doing that but I don’t want to come in with something like "you like getting ***d cos you had a shit childhood”), so I figured a place like this was a good way to get some thoughts from people who actually know something about the whole business. If there’s anything I’ve learned from being with him sometimes what he wants me to do and what’s actually good for him aren’t the same thing and the balance is difficult to find.... Anyway. I don’t know if this is what the site is for. Sorry if I’m intruding.

[BigPolly]

Ok a D/s relationship is not based on any kind of *** or bullying therefore it will not copy or mimic anything he has been through in the past. infact it is quite the opposite, to be in a position of submission means you have limits, you have equally set the rules, you can stop play at anytime & you are totally in control of handing your control to someone else. Even though a ‘submissive’ sounds like it could be a weak role it’s actually a very powerful role. Your partner has already proven that by suggesting it & suggesting you take charge of his pleasure. However there are 2 of you in this relationship so as much as his mental health is important, so is yours! Do not do anything both of you are not happy with. D/s play requires a lot of communication & both parties must agree to everything. But what he is asking from you is very very separate from the *** he experienced in the past

[Vi****]

I was ***d as a child also, but I don’t see the connection between having a Daddy and what happened to me as a child. I was always worried about having a Daddy, but it isn’t what it seems. There’s no age play involved and it’s nurturing and caring. If I was you I would not bring the past in to the room I doubt he wants that. Past is the past and should stay there. I find being a sub helps me with my mental heath as certain controls I pass to Daddy and I don’t need to worry about them. Hope this makes sense although it may not help. Xx

[li****]

I was also ***d mentally and physically in my past relationship. And by no means has this affected any of my D/s relationships, as now I have control of what can and will happen. And like @BigPollysays in no way is *** based on D/s. With my Sir he knows all about my past and knows my hard limits which does include one thing that happened to me in the past and knows that's a big no no to me. All of what happens in our sessions now is conseual and in no way hurting me what so ever if so this is where you bring in your safeword ect. It is very important to have good strong communication and have to agree on everything. Hope this helps and hope you can find a way to bring whatever makes you happy in to your dynamic/relationship.

[Wo****]

I was ***d at 17. My submission and my *** fantasy are a way of expressing that i am the one in control now.

My way of reclaiming that power that i lost. For me it has been, and continues to be, cathartic.

 

Patience, communication and understanding is key. Theres no reason why you cant enjoy D/s as a survivour of ***.

[E-dUbBs]

In my experience from the female subs I have spoken to in the past with these similar issues and experiences it is often similar to what swift said A way to reclaim But you’d need to have the conversation with him openly including your concerns This lifestyle is completely reliant on honest open communication Hope that helps

[Sexyred1984]

I like being ***d and in past relationships that was a way they attacked me but I’m In charge when it’s done in the bedroom, if I’m right it’s about the power being in the subs hand for once

[Deleted Member]

The good thing is that he told you about it. I had few subs who has been either ***d or ***d. I tend to ask if I need to know anything that might affect the sessions. One didn’t told until we play a role she wanted to do. And she broke down cos she thought she could handle it without talk to me first. If there is no communication first the outcome can be opposite of what you need. 

I don’t thing you should bring your real life into the sessions. It needs to be separate completely, I know it’s difficult to put aside the past as it’s still raw regardless  the time passed. But the trust and care from the Dom/Domme is the base for that kind of play. I love when subs asked it because I know it’s one of the ultimate trust, but it’s also a common fantasy, done somehow in a safe mode of course. 

Talking with a professional therapist  as well is the ultimate solution.