BDSM & Autism (Part 3) - Meltdowns & Shutdowns

[kree90]

This is the third in a series. If you haven't read Parts 1 and 2 CLICK HERE

 

Reminder: Autism traits will look different depending on gender, age, and cognitive abilities. The following refers to having level 1 autism (also known as high-functioning or Aspergers to some). This is my take, from an autistic woman’s perspective, using my own experience and materials I’ve read. 

 

Sometimes, I get dizzy in stores. The lights get brighter, and I get tunnel vision. I see what’s in front of me but there seems to be too much to focus on. I may hear people talking around me, but I can’t quite make out their words with the sounds of carts rolling, the beeping over the intercom, music cutting in and out from the speakers above. Everything is just so damn shiny and feels weird and I can’t think. I am truly frozen, for no reason at all.

It wasn’t until recently I realized when this happens when I am on the path to a meltdown. As an adult with coping skills, a long with my growth mindset, I pride myself on being able to recognize when this is happening now. It takes time to see our patterns and recognize behavior for what they are (root causes). 

Learning how to manage and sometimes even prevent meltdowns and shutdowns takes a lot of inner work. It takes a lot of learning and practice, and patience with ourselves. I may never be able to completely stop them because they come from those processing delays. Before you picture me rolling around on the ground flailing around, let’s talk about what meltdowns and shutdowns are.

 

• Meltdowns
  
  When you think of meltdowns, you probably don’t think that well-functioning, successful adults have them. You think of tantrums for not getting their own way and manipulation, and negative behavior. You sure as hell don’t want a Dom or sub who displays this type of behavior. That’s not what true autistic meltdowns or shutdowns are, but they can happen to the best of us and can be difficult, so they are important to know about. Plus, we assume you care enough about us to want to know how we live. (If not...this isn't for you lol). Neither are displays of childish or attention-seeking behavior. Let me repeat that: Neither are displays of childish or attention-seeking behavior.
  
  Both are intense responses to an overwhelming situation. It is an involuntary reaction due to sensory processing issues. Neither happens all of the time, but any meltdown or shutdown is a stressful experience for everyone involved. The triggers are, but are not limited to, social situations, large decisions, sleep deprivation, large cognitive processes (especially more than one at a time, which is often what life is like), and a build-up of stress over days, weeks, or months. 
  
  Meltdowns look different from person to person, and each situation seems to vary in intensity. Some people, regardless of cognitive ability, experience them more often than others. They can often be caused by anxiety or *** and our flight/fight/freeze response kicking in.
  
  MRI brain scans (nerdy me is showing) show that in Neurotypical brains, the prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain that regulates emotions) lights up when having an emotional reaction or processing an emotional response. In autistic people, our prefrontal cortex lights up…less. Meaning, it should be coming online in a greater capacity when we need it to, but it doesn’t always. 
  
  Some personal examples of what they look like for me: Panic attacks, the feeling that I want to crawl out of my skin, feeling irritated or frustrated intensely, or crying hysterically without being able to stop.
  
  They aren’t fun. We don’t want to have them. They are exhausting and sometimes leave us feeling ashamed for feeling what we do. Yes, it is up to us personally to each figure out coping strategies and what works for us, but let’s be realistic. Life is unpredictable and bad shit happens, so we’ll never entirely have control enough to prevent them 100%. No person alive can control every situation.

 

• Shutdowns
  
  Shutdowns are different than meltdowns, a bit more alarming, and often considered a “freeze” response. In my experience, both are often a build-up until a limit is reached. That limit varies like everyone else's depending on what’s happening in that moment, what the day has been like, and just our current mindsets at that moment. 
  
  It’s important to note that both shutdowns and meltdowns can happen in one instance, and it’s common for a shutdown to follow an intense meltdown.
  
  The length of shutdown varies widely. I read an analogy where it referred to shutdown as an overheated computer that just shuts down. I agree somewhat, but I want to add that it does shutdown, but then it restarts and just sits there, silently, sometimes showing a progress bar, sometimes just blank.
  
  Shutdowns can look like a temporary loss of skill, too. That sounds pretty intense, and I can assure you it feels pretty intense. To just completely forget how to do something and you can’t remember it no matter how hard you try. I have gone from analyzing research studies to being unable to pronounce words accurately at all in a single day because of something--usually stressful--that happened and caused processing delays. They are temporary, though, a typical shutdown episode, meaning so is the loss of skills. We don’t have to relearn them. We just get ourselves back after we’ve regulated. 
  
  It’s incredibly frustrating being unable to speak, sometimes daily. Shutdowns can lead to selective mutism, which isn’t someone giving you the intentional silent treatment. I can’t tell you how many times in the past I needed to have serious conversations but the moment overwhelmed me so badly that I couldn’t say anything even though I wanted to, for often an extended period of time. A lot of times it was face-to-face interactions and I just lost the ability to speak.

 

• How to support your autistic partner
  
  It’s incredibly important to discuss with your partner how they would like you to support them while they are calm. Trying to ask them in the middle of a panic attack what you can do won’t be helpful. They likely won’t know and having a conversation with them at that moment will make things worse.
  
  Example: I promise when I’m having a meltdown, I do not, under any circumstances, want to be around people. I do not want to be touched or talked to. I do not want any more stimulation than what is already happening because what is already happening is too much. I need some varying amount of alone time to regulate myself. Alone time can be difficult for long periods as a single mother, so I know the next best thing is to limit my surroundings. If I’m spending time with my child, there aren’t a million other things going on, to the best of my control.
  
  It’s hard to give advice other than talk to your partner about this one because we’re all so different and need different things depending on the situation. Support your partner as they figure out their triggers or what they need, their journey in therapy, pushing them when applicable, and comforting them when needed. It’s up to them to make sure they are happy and healthy, but a support system is a necessity for true wellness.

 

• Having a healthy dynamic despite shutdowns or meltdowns
  
  BDSM has been shown to decrease anxiety in people, and not just because of its sexual nature. BDSM isn’t all about sex. We all also personally know that orgasms decrease stress and anxiety, but the other aspects of the lifestyle can help so much in daily life. Studies show participating in BDSM increases wellness, helps us live in the moment, and again, reduces anxiety and stress overall.
  
  Self-regulation is the key to getting back to self and managing stress better. You can read and try different self-soothing techniques by yourself/with a loved one, or you can seek out the help of a trained professional. It’s important to practice the techniques when you’re calm and practice them often, especially honing in on them when you begin to feel stressed. Practice will make them a habit, and you adjust according to your specific needs. Learning how to self-regulate and self-soothe is game-changing.
  
  I found it helpful to start a log of perceived triggers and self-regulation techniques I was trying. I can also say CBT was/is extremely helpful. There are worksheets that can guide you through processes and understanding yourself, but I do really recommend a trained professional, for the times you feel like you’re going crazy and they can point out it’s a totally natural feeling (because a majority feel it).
  
  You want to support your partner while they work to be their best and healthiest selves. Your partner is capable of being everything you ever dreamed of and more even if he or she is autistic. You may find yourself admiring them because of their autistic traits, (aka just known as part of who we are, like my ability to connect dots in ways others can’t or more quickly). 
  
  Life changes can make us more *** to meltdowns/shutdowns, so it’s important we’re taking extra good care of ourselves during these times. For me, especially during those times, having someone who is so intertwined with me mentally, a Dom who is intelligent and emotionally aware, who has worked hard with me to create a safe space for us both in our dynamic, makes that extra stress of having extreme reactions easier to bear. We’re all just better with help than doing it alone, in general, in life.
  
  BDSM helps me manage the stress in a way that really works for me, and that is a very, very, very large reason why I could never do a vanilla relationship again. I need the calmness a D/s relationship provides me at the end of the day to rely on. To maintain a basic level of calmness. Even if I’m not in a dynamic, I know I’m going to fall in love again one day, and I know this has to be a large part of it.
  
  My shutdowns don’t happen as often anymore, not since all the work I’ve done in therapy. I can manage my potential meltdowns with calm experience, sometimes stopping them before they’ve really started. I can spot triggers more easily, though I’m still taken off guard by small things that do a large number on me. I’m still learning to tell the signs of an impending stress-related shutdown, but I know irritability is a big sign for me. I’ve learned to limit what’s coming at me and ask for help when needed.

[Hal727]

Thank you so much for all three parts. I am an RN with several autistic family members of different levels. I have read much about autism over the years, but have never found as much firsthand down to earth and useful information as you have provided.

[GM****]

I literally am trying to get out of a shut down right now.

[kree90]

15 minutes ago, GMAthens said:

I literally am trying to get out of a shut down right now.

Take all the time you need and don't let anyone make you feel bad because you can't handle bringing one more thing to the table. Some people won't get that and that's okay. They don't need to. Writing things down really helps me process them. Ear plugs and a notebook! Also comfort activities until you're back to you 🙂 for me, that means I zone out and watch zombies for like a week or more in my free time lol

[GM****]

Trouble is I have too many responsibilities to just take a break like that. Or is that just how I feel? I have six kids to feed. I just push through it with stimulants and special interests on my phone. I may be on my way to burning out. Thanks for the article and the advice, I admire your application of analogy to advise the audience of anautistics.

[kree90]

4 minutes ago, GMAthens said:

Trouble is I have too many responsibilities to just take a break like that. Or is that just how I feel? I have six kids to feed. I just push through it with stimulants and special interests on my phone. I may be on my way to burning out. Thanks for the article and the advice, I admire your application of analogy to advise the audience of anautistics.

That is *a lot* on your plate! Sometimes self-care means cuddling up with a movie with the kids instead of arts and crafts. Less strenuous activities that give you the break you need, even if it's bit by bit. Ask yourself what you do daily that could be let go of for a little while (things that if you took a break from, the world wouldn't actually fall apart). Remember carrying less doesn't make you weak. Taking a break doesn't make you weak. You're just slowing down for a little bit so you can build up the energy to kick ass again.

[ki****]

Wow thanks for sharing you are very insightful, I can relate to so much of what you are saying. BDSM done in the right manner has helped me start dealing with my anxiety and asd traits the neurodiverse is brilliant and using impact play is great for managing sensory processing, it is blowing my mind what I have learnt recently thanks to a great teacher I have. So happy there are others who see the benefits of bdsm and how it can help you mentally physically and emotionally.

[lo****]

10 hours ago, GMAthens said:

I literally am trying to get out of a shut down right now.

Me too. Been non-verbal for a couple days now.

[kree90]

20 hours ago, kinkysub4dom said:

Wow thanks for sharing you are very insightful, I can relate to so much of what you are saying. BDSM done in the right manner has helped me start dealing with my anxiety and asd traits the neurodiverse is brilliant and using impact play is great for managing sensory processing, it is blowing my mind what I have learnt recently thanks to a great teacher I have. So happy there are others who see the benefits of bdsm and how it can help you mentally physically and emotionally.

The great thing about BDSM is that we get to tailor our dynamics to what we need. Our dynamics and play partners are excellent places to get certain non-sexual needs met, even within sexual activities. Impact play is a great example of this. Sensory deprivation is probably my favorite as it just...quiets my world. Glad you enjoyed the article! I'm going to write one about impact play soon, but I'd like to get the opinions of others with ASD to add because I don't have enough experience with it YET, but I want it to be informative. 

[kree90]

15 hours ago, locketheart said:

Me too. Been non-verbal for a couple days now.

<3 It's such a struggle! May I suggest binge-watching funny things if you haven't already tried that? And you can totally reach out to me if you want to! I'd be glad to talk about stuff.  perhaps there is some insight I can provide! Not to mention my own personal experience. Either way, take it easy, okay? You'll be back up and running again soon!

[Deleted Member]

Thank you @kree90 for all three parts. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 30, and it's like a lightbulb went off in my head for my life. I'm very new to the kink community, but I am drawn to the D/S dynamic for all the things you mentioned in the thread. In the past, sex has been a very overstimulating experience, and I wasn't given the space to self regulate. The kink community has also made me realize that I deserve aftercare, and it's a requirement not a suggestion. 

Congrats on getting your degree while working full time and being a mom! Kudos. I'm currently in grad school for my NP, and it's a lot. I couldn't imagine being a parent on top of that. 

[kree90]

On 9/1/2023 at 12:02 AM, Kdeer14 said:

Thank you @kree90 for all three parts. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 30, and it's like a lightbulb went off in my head for my life. I'm very new to the kink community, but I am drawn to the D/S dynamic for all the things you mentioned in the thread. In the past, sex has been a very overstimulating experience, and I wasn't given the space to self regulate. The kink community has also made me realize that I deserve aftercare, and it's a requirement not a suggestion. 

Congrats on getting your degree while working full time and being a mom! Kudos. I'm currently in grad school for my NP, and it's a lot. I couldn't imagine being a parent on top of that. 

I'm so glad you found these helpful! And honestly, I dk how I do school, work, and being a mom all at once. I'm just badass like that lol but really, anyone can. It just takes discipline and a lot of self-compassion. 

I'm still learning about autism and how it can look to all of us. I recently found out that especially females have a habit of burning bridges as a form of self-protection. I'll be writing about all of it :) 

[lo****]

On 9/3/2023 at 1:10 PM, kree90 said:

 I recently found out that especially females have a habit of burning bridges as a form of self-protection. I'll be writing about all of it :) 

Looking at my life.. that tracks.

[kree90]

13 minutes ago, locketheart said:

Looking at my life.. that tracks.

Mine, too!