Tips for people who want to meet kink minded partners

[fr****]

This thread is open for all people to comment on where they have found luck finding a partner in kink and where they have found it to be difficult.

In which places have you found the most success in finding people? Which places would you avoid?

These can be places where you meet in person. Kink minded places or completely vanilla places.

These can also be online platforms or groups.

Feel free to comment on how your search is going if you haven't found anyone yet and any tips you'd like to pass on.

Hopefully this post will help some people

[ey****]

Tip 1 : Forget about luck

while there is luck involved to a degree, this isn't like spinning a prize wheel. You make your own luck.

Tip 2 : Diversify

If you're only one site (or no sites) you're limited to the people on there and that can cloud perspective.

Tip 3: Avoid Traps

Blaming "ratios", "women have it easy", so on.  Avoid those and those thinking and continue to work on yourself.

Tip 4 : Patience

Things don't happen over night

Tip 5 : Never under estimate passive connection

How people think dating works - "you there, I think you might be a match - get to know me, please!"

How it works better - people getting to know each other via ongoing interactions, for example often agreeing with each other online or chatting and being friendly at events.

---

Most of my perceived success isn't one place or another but an all round hybrid approach.  Meet someone at an event and then chat to them online (or vice versa / "Hey, you're...") and building up passive connections

[Ca****]

Personally I've found more success when focused on personal development and growth alongside ma life goals; additionally active listening, asking follow up questions and treating everyone respectfully goes a long way. Talking for months prior to meeting; allows a greater understanding between eachother, then once meet if there's compatibility and enjoy one another's company just going with flow can be extremely beneficial. Vanilla sites are hit and miss regarding bdsm; you may find a couple of individuals on hinge or tinder but it's not ideal if specifically seeking a D/S dynamic. Discussing safe words and kinks comes after knowing a person, so both feel comfortable talking and neither end up feeling like someone's kink dispenser. Also, aftercare should get discussed prior to any play I you're engaging in something which requires the latter. Hope this information is useful whatever da degree.

[fr****]

  49 minutes ago, Callisthenics96 said:

Personally I've found more success when focused on personal development and growth alongside ma life goals; additionally active listening, asking follow up questions and treating everyone respectfully goes a long way. Talking for months prior to meeting; allows a greater understanding between eachother, then once meet if there's compatibility and enjoy one another's company just going with flow can be extremely beneficial. Vanilla sites are hit and miss regarding bdsm; you may find a couple of individuals on hinge or tinder but it's not ideal if specifically seeking a D/S dynamic. Discussing safe words and kinks comes after knowing a person, so both feel comfortable talking and neither end up feeling like someone's kink dispenser. Also, aftercare should get discussed prior to any play I you're engaging in something which requires the latter. Hope this information is useful whatever da degree.

Expand  

I agree. Building yourself is essential in general to become an attractive person. It's a prerequisite if you are serious about finding someone. Wise words for others who's getting started. Thanks

[fr****]

  Just now, frontman23 said:

I agree. Building yourself is essential in general to become an attractive person. It's a prerequisite if you are serious about finding someone. Wise words for others who's getting started. Thanks

Expand  

Who are*

[Deleted Member]

Cross your finger that you live in a popular area. Lol. The only search I have in place is up to 100km away, and women LF men and I have 0. Lol

I'm just sticking with being a long-distance guide to couples, greenies, or vanillas

[fr****]

  1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Tip 1 : Forget about luck

while there is luck involved to a degree, this isn't like spinning a prize wheel. You make your own luck.

Tip 2 : Diversify

If you're only one site (or no sites) you're limited to the people on there and that can cloud perspective.

Tip 3: Avoid Traps

Blaming "ratios", "women have it easy", so on.  Avoid those and those thinking and continue to work on yourself.

Tip 4 : Patience

Things don't happen over night

Tip 5 : Never under estimate passive connection

How people think dating works - "you there, I think you might be a match - get to know me, please!"

How it works better - people getting to know each other via ongoing interactions, for example often agreeing with each other online or chatting and being friendly at events.

---

Most of my perceived success isn't one place or another but an all round hybrid approach.  Meet someone at an event and then chat to them online (or vice versa / "Hey, you're...") and building up passive connections

Expand  

Diversification is another wise lesson for those getting started. Most of my previous partners came from different sources including the vanilla world, online and offline fet places. Again, great

[Ca****]

Nae danger there; happy tah help others generally eh. Glad ye saw da logic in ma reasoning; appreciate your reply here. Anytime; it's cushty.

[fr****]

  10 minutes ago, EDM_RaveDad said:

Cross your finger that you live in a popular area. Lol. The only search I have in place is up to 100km away, and women LF men and I have 0. Lol

I'm just sticking with being a long-distance guide to couples, greenies, or vanillas

Expand  

An online friend of mine once told me that most women are open to kink if you introduce them to it. That might be true so I wouldn't disregard vanillas or greenies as you call them. At least two of my exes were. Sometimes it can be easier to "corrupt" a woman than to find a kinky one ;)

[Ca****]

  4 minutes ago, frontman23 said:

An online friend of mine once told me that most women are open to kink if you introduce them to it. That might be true so I wouldn't disregard vanillas or greenies as you call them. At least two of my exes were. Sometimes it can be easier to "corrupt" a woman than to find a kinky one ;)

Expand  

Sometimes it's because those partners are interested in kink but never found somebody could explore with either in short or long term. I've had couple of comitted relationships where there wasn't a dynamic label but kink was present throughout da relationship

[FreddieJobbs]

  4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Tip 1 : Forget about luck

while there is luck involved to a degree, this isn't like spinning a prize wheel. You make your own luck.

Tip 2 : Diversify

If you're only one site (or no sites) you're limited to the people on there and that can cloud perspective.

Tip 3: Avoid Traps

Blaming "ratios", "women have it easy", so on.  Avoid those and those thinking and continue to work on yourself.

Tip 4 : Patience

Things don't happen over night

Tip 5 : Never under estimate passive connection

How people think dating works - "you there, I think you might be a match - get to know me, please!"

How it works better - people getting to know each other via ongoing interactions, for example often agreeing with each other online or chatting and being friendly at events.

---

Most of my perceived success isn't one place or another but an all round hybrid approach.  Meet someone at an event and then chat to them online (or vice versa / "Hey, you're...") and building up passive connections

Expand  

I understood most of your tips but I didn’t understood the “passive connection” part how does that one work?

[ey****]

  3 hours ago, frontman23 said:

An online friend of mine once told me that most women are open to kink if you introduce them to it. That might be true so I wouldn't disregard vanillas or greenies as you call them. At least two of my exes were. Sometimes it can be easier to "corrupt" a woman than to find a kinky one

Expand  

I sometimes dislike citing studies, but there's been some that actually suggest a majority of women have had some form of kinky fantasy - and that, in itself, is a starting point.  

Most women are likely open to some form of kink.  But, as a warning, their kinky fantasies might not play in with what you want to do. 

[ey****]

  6 minutes ago, GeneGrey said:

I understood most of your tips but I didn’t understood the “passive connection” part how does that one work?

Expand  

in real spaces - think of it like making friends or acquaintances. You don't walk up to someone and go "you there! be my friend! let's talk"  But you might happen to get talking to someone or find there's someone you agree with a lot.   And then all of a sudden you might be in a situation where it's like "hey, wanna do something" and you're not a stranger when you say this, you're someone where the two of you already know you have things in common.

 

Online, you might find yourself often liking or agreeing a lot of what someone is saying - and you might find they're the same with you.  and this doesn't mean loads - but it is a way that still builds rapport.

In a way - we're all doing this all the time.  Imagine if there was suddenly a big meet up of everyone on the site.  The people who would likely gravitate towards each others are those who might have good rapport from the forums and chat.

It's not to be used as a direct kinda pick up strategy, but it causes relationships to form more organically.  

[Ab****]

Haven’t found my person yet. Chemistry is key; communicating about and respecting boundaries/preferences is first and for most for safety and consent. Physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual; all needing attunement and clarity of needs in order to fully open up and this takes time many don’t care to take (including myself the first time I jump in the kink boat, and had some good lessons from it too). I am Demi/Sapio and excited to be exploring my kink side again, patiently. Yes, ultimate goal is a life partner; however, currently enjoying the adventure of exploration with discernment and integrity. If someone passes the physical part and I don’t like their approach or energy, it’s a hard no; grateful though, for all the no’s paving the way for all the yes’s!!!

[FreddieJobbs]

  1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

in real spaces - think of it like making friends or acquaintances. You don't walk up to someone and go "you there! be my friend! let's talk"  But you might happen to get talking to someone or find there's someone you agree with a lot.   And then all of a sudden you might be in a situation where it's like "hey, wanna do something" and you're not a stranger when you say this, you're someone where the two of you already know you have things in common.

 

Online, you might find yourself often liking or agreeing a lot of what someone is saying - and you might find they're the same with you.  and this doesn't mean loads - but it is a way that still builds rapport.

In a way - we're all doing this all the time.  Imagine if there was suddenly a big meet up of everyone on the site.  The people who would likely gravitate towards each others are those who might have good rapport from the forums and chat.

It's not to be used as a direct kinda pick up strategy, but it causes relationships to form more organically.  

Expand  

I see so hangouts also work too. That sounds good! Thanks for breaking it down for me. I think pick up strategies only work if that person is already showing interest in you. Such as if that person approached you and complimented on your looks. Then I think pick up strategies could work in that situation.

[DeviantInside]

There is a lot of good advice on here already. So my thruppence…

I have had a lot of good “success” over the years on various sites since… early 2000’s ish. I mean I was on various sites since mid 90’s and did have “success” but didn’t really know what I was doing, what I was looking for and it was all online. So for the purposes of this answer I am defining success as relationships meeting in real life that weren’t just one off meets (and I hasten to add that’s not my definition of success on a site, just what I think you are getting at).

I almost never message anyone first either.

So what has worked during my time. Engaging. I have probably had far more “success” when I haven’t tried for it. By engaging in chat/forums etc. By just being myself. By having a profile I spent some time and thought of. By showing who I am and how I think. By just talking to people. By learning and personal growth in as much as possible so I have something to offer. By not chasing any and everyone. By looking for actual connections. By trying to understand what the other wants and needs. By being able to read the other. By earning trust in oh so many ways. By encouraging and supporting. By not being one tracked minded, being able to talk on lots of different levels. By being interested and wanting to learn about the person I’m talking to (not feigned but genuine, they caught my interest for a reason). By being myself and being honest. By making incredibly poor puns and dad jokes (after that any other *** is bearable). By working out the individual erotic triggers that unlock enjoyment in so many other areas. By making them feel loved and treasured and special… and all the more so when pushing/degrading/hurting them. By showing appreciation and aftercare. By being calm and someone they can rely on, talk to and turn to.

Essentially, as often intimated above, take the “bdsm” out of “bdsm relationship”. The answer is the same. You build all connections the same (ok… maybe not quite the same, I don’t advise asking people in the pub whether they’re into pegging, but the principle is there).

[Tr****]

  19 hours ago, frontman23 said:

An online friend of mine once told me that most women are open to kink if you introduce them to it. That might be true so I wouldn't disregard vanillas or greenies as you call them. At least two of my exes were. Sometimes it can be easier to "corrupt" a woman than to find a kinky one ;)

Expand  

True
This is how I was introduced. I was on a “vanilla(?)” dating app and met someone and they suggested it. At first I balked, and still kept an open mind.

Later I discovered I’d sadly, been blind for most of my life .

[He****]

I found one on here and we were together for 2.5 years, and then very recently I found one on this *** site. Both very long distance. I haven't found it difficult.

[ey****]

I guess another thing - and this can be true for everyone.

These are two points that seem different but can both be true

1) Is be realistic

that guys, you're not going to find a sub who drops straight to her knees, nor a Domme who has her own home dungeon and was waiting for someone like you to come along.   But also that - a little bit realism from women also

2) But also not over compromise

there's an old saying about how you shouldn't fall in love with potential.  and that's very true.  While you might not find the super perfect partner that ticks every single box, the right attitude has to be there.  For example a sub might not be the finished product but there has to be some effort above the micromanagement.  

[FreddieJobbs]

  20 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I guess another thing - and this can be true for everyone.

These are two points that seem different but can both be true

1) Is be realistic

that guys, you're not going to find a sub who drops straight to her knees, nor a Domme who has her own home dungeon and was waiting for someone like you to come along.   But also that - a little bit realism from women also

2) But also not over compromise

there's an old saying about how you shouldn't fall in love with potential.  and that's very true.  While you might not find the super perfect partner that ticks every single box, the right attitude has to be there.  For example a sub might not be the finished product but there has to be some effort above the micromanagement.  

Expand  

Ok let’s try an analogy to this let’s say I like jazz and the other person likes reggaeton. So, while we don’t like the same kind of music, we still listen to music. Would that analogy still apply to your “the right attitude” statement?

[Ki****]

I often wonder if I will ever find a person that’s not for me. I have been single for 25 years I raise my son of my own. I didn’t have been in and out in my house the whole time he was growing up I focused on raising him to be a good man and he is a very proud in and the job I did reasoning that she would like to find that guy it’s just for me and I hope to God he’s kinky or than I am because I’m pretty fucking kinky

[RaymondWise]

Meeting many people socially, focusing on making friends, has worked best for me.

 

I have created dances and socials (munches) and focused on getting many people out to meet, mingle, network. Face to face is where people can feel chemistry and size up a person better than online. Online is like a resume. But meeting is where relationships can start.

 

I have met people directly from online encounters, but face to face works best for me.

 

I'll note I had socials before the internet. There are some remote parts of the country where socials might not be practical. But most people can take advantage of them.

[Firefox_]

I met my Daddy on a dating app. It was an alternative dating app. It stated he was a DD, I wasn't sure how true that was, but thought he was gorgeous so went on a date haha. Turns out he really is a DD as well

[MasterDarcy1979]

I honestly love posts like this one. It's both for established kinksters and newbies.

Don't know about anyone else but I despise hearing about new subs or slaves having their naivety exploited by people with pretense in their dead heart.

My advice:

1. Lengthy and detailed ad: If you keep your profile empty or if it just contains a few words then you're expecting people to cold-message you.

Posting a few photographs and very little else is a recipe for wasted time. It gives off a bad message, it's tantamount to saying "message me based on my looks instead of who I am".

2. Patience: A boiled pot never boils and a worthy paramore doesn't just appear on your lap. Have patience and put your face out there. If you're lucky your soul mate will read a post that you made and they'll contact you.

3. "KISS": "Keep it simple, stupid." Be you. Don't be a caricature. Don't be obvious. Don't be a stereotype. Keep it real. If someone doesn't like you for you then obviously you'd be wasted your time with them.

4. Start off vanilla: Talk to people with respect and don't start by barking orders, using slurs or acting like the stranger at the other end of your message has a pre-existing dynamic with you.

5. To thine own self be true: Don't tell people what they want to hear, about anything. Honesty is a virtue.

Edited August 11, 2023 by MasterDarcy1979

[sm****]

Take time to make a good trusted "FRIENDSHIP" network first.  Never underestimate this and the connections it will make and opportunities open up more for you.  

The major problem people have is jumping in feet first.  It takes a lot of time and effort for you to be trusted by others and them to you.  Go in with the attitude "im willing to learn and understand over time, get to know and make friends" nothing puts people off more than "i just want a scene partner" it makes them feel devalued and your only after one thing, they will run a mile and give you a bit of a keep away vibe.