Safewords

[Deleted Member]

My rules for it, is I'll never be in either role with someone for the first time without a safeword/signal (in case of gagging etc). If I'm in the dom role, it's up to the sub to approach me in regards no safewords, and I'll only agree to it if I'm confident with their limits and appreciation of risk. If I'm a sub, I'll only approach a dom about no safewords once I trust they know my limits and have shown they won't *** them.

And there's absolutely no negotiation in either of those circumstances, removal of safewords requires both parties to agree confidently outside the dom/sub space (so it's not agreed upon only as a result of power dynamics at that time).

[Deleted Member]

Always use safe words

[ey****]

As another kind of take - while we look at reasons why some developed relationships *may* not require them

Also at a new level they may not be necessary - and - before there's a gasp, but also to combat extreme examples.   

What is the actual purpose of a safeword ?  And the answer to that is that in play a "no" might not mean "no" so it's a differentiation between "no (but I mean yes)" and potentially in harder play the difference between no/screams/tears/stop/please and "actually I want to stop" 

But 'no' and 'stop' are often perfectly valid words.  Equally, if it is something like leg is in cramp, cuff isn't on properly, etc you can just say "I've got a cramp", "this cuff isn't right", "please don't strike me there any more", "I'm not in the mood for that toy today" without prefixing it with red/mercy/strawberries/etc 

And I'm not saying bin off safewords, they're a tool, but they're not the only tool. 

[Wo****]

Honestly, there is no reason not to have a safe word.

[DarkArts1066]

Good points, well raised there @eyemblacksheep. It feels like the topic comes back to the depth of understanding between two (or more) consenting adults. Personally, I will never play without a safeword in place - for the protection of everyone involved. But I do accept that when people have a lot of experience with each other over time, their level of intricate understanding increases, and can become almost predictive in a way.
In my experience though, this is still no substitute for having an agreed safeword. In those key moments, with heightened levels of excitement, (for example, when a person is nearing orgasm - or approaching subspace) it is possible for a person to forget a safeword - or forget to use that safeword. Thus, safety is all about the layers of understanding between individuals. I am talking about more advanced levels of play now… not your average ‘Saturday night OTK spanking while the kids are out’ scenario. I think discussing and implementing safewords shows maturity and consideration also, and alludes to a depth of knowledge and understanding.

[ey****]

yep - absolutely, I think there's always got to be the element that (aside from being gagged!) why someone might not safeword and it's always important to be aware of partner.

The last person I played with who was doing a scene where they were on the receiving end - we had an interrogation angle and basically every time things were getting too much they gave a random boys name.  They also specifically wanted to try some things to the point of giving up a name - so that worked in the whole context (and as subs will surprise, I did a very cruel whipping they took no problem - but just placing a gas mask on them resulted in an immediate name given up.

When I play when I am on the receiving end, I tend not to pre raise safewords - but if asked I say I'll use red or mercy (mercy is usually better for camera) but I would expect anyone to understand if I shouted red or mercy.

Mind, I was gobsmacked once, so were many onlookers, when one Domme was confused when I shouted amber.  But it still had a desired result, while she didn't know what I meant (despite being a house domme and signs up all around saying 'we use the traffic light system') it did stop her long enough for me to communicate the problem.  

[IA****]

I think that like in any complex construct like BDSM, there can be justification in exclusion of certain features for the sake of immersion. That said, I would argue that it is healthier to just always have one, because even if you’re sure you’re completely safe, it makes literally no sense to under-prepare. Especially in a community in which critical failures in communication or consent can have lifelong changes on one’s psyche.

[po****]

personally, i always have a safe word. i think it’s just a safety thing if that make sense

[Mi****]

The sub has to be able to stop a scene if needed. Whether that’s a safeword, a safe gesture or some other pre-determined mechanism Is up to the sub and their Dom. Not only for the safety of the sub, but for the peace of mind of the Dom. The Dom must be able to trust that the sub is consenting to what is happening. If there is no way for the sub to communicate that they need the scene to stop, that no longer becomes clear.

[wa****]

We've discussed and made "pineapple" the word as we don't use it in any discussion in the bedroom. But if there's a problem of any sort, we usually just say "wait" and then mention why continuing would be a problem. It has never been a breach of limits, usually it's to inform that someone is visiting and if I'm ok with it.

[Sh****]

From what I can tell going with the traffic light system seems to work well. Green keep going, yellow to take things easy for a little bit, red to stop, the most important thing though, is still communication and trust. Everyone in the same needs to know what the safe words are, and trust they won’t be ignored if someone uses said safewords  

[Emma323]

While it's common for BDSM relationships to use safewords, it's not a one-size-fits-all approach. As a sub, considering not using a safeword requires extreme trust and communication with your Dom. You must be confident in your partner's ability to read your body language and respect your boundaries. Alternatively, you can establish a "no-safeword" agreement with negotiated checks-ins and clear understanding of your limits. However, prioritizing your physical and emotional well-being is crucial. If you're uncomfortable or unsure, it's essential to establish a safeword or alternative system to ensure your safety and consent.

[Sc****]

Safe words trust your dom. Or don't particapate

[li****]

I have a safeword/movement that I use with any partner.
"Five" or 🖐 ✊️ 🖐 (especially if I can't talk)
I think it's important for multiple things, so I like having a way to communicate just in case (even though I've never had to use it).
I think it really depends on the dynamic tho, some people may feel completely safe and comfortable with their partners or Doms (which is great!) and some may want a life line if they need a moment (which is ok to do!).
I think it really depends on the person tho. Just do what feels right for you.

[ro****]

Just putting this out there.....only acceptable safeword is Meatloaf bc he woukd do anything for love, but he wont do that.

[No****]

Abort ....abort abort

[DarkArts1066]

June 28, Emma323 said:

While it's common for BDSM relationships to use safewords, it's not a one-size-fits-all approach. As a sub, considering not using a safeword requires extreme trust and communication with your Dom. You must be confident in your partner's ability to read your body language and respect your boundaries. Alternatively, you can establish a "no-safeword" agreement with negotiated checks-ins and clear understanding of your limits. However, prioritizing your physical and emotional well-being is crucial. If you're uncomfortable or unsure, it's essential to establish a safeword or alternative system to ensure your safety and consent.

I disagree with this strongly.
Safewords aren’t just for BDSM play safety, they exist for your overall safety too.

Lets say that someone is engaged in a CNC r*pe roleplay scenario, you are bound, but not gagged.

All is going well, until you start to feel seriously unwell and need your play partner to stop IMMEDIATELY, so that you can deal with a possible medical emergency.

Yes, it can and does happen.

If you are in the throes of a roleplay scenario which involves you using the phrase, “no, don’t …. please stop…”

How do you then manage that, quickly, if your play partner doesn’t pick up on your cues quickly enough ?
What if you become *** before they realise there is an issue ?

A single, recognisable safeword… which you BOTH know, stops play immediately.

‘Negotiated check-in’s’ break the flow of play, so I wouldn’t suggest using them.

That, is why we use, and I would insist on a safeword

[St****]

I require a safe word not because I'm scared but because consent matters and the less vanilla the sex the more chances things are lost in translation

[Da****]

Sunday at 05:29 AM, DarkArts1066 said:

I disagree with this strongly.
Safewords aren’t just for BDSM play safety, they exist for your overall safety too.

Lets say that someone is engaged in a CNC r*pe roleplay scenario, you are bound, but not gagged.

All is going well, until you start to feel seriously unwell and need your play partner to stop IMMEDIATELY, so that you can deal with a possible medical emergency.

Yes, it can and does happen.

If you are in the throes of a roleplay scenario which involves you using the phrase, “no, don’t …. please stop…”

How do you then manage that, quickly, if your play partner doesn’t pick up on your cues quickly enough ?
What if you become *** before they realise there is an issue ?

A single, recognisable safeword… which you BOTH know, stops play immediately.

‘Negotiated check-in’s’ break the flow of play, so I wouldn’t suggest using them.

That, is why we use, and I would insist on a safeword

I can't agree more...

[Mo****]

So many folks raise great valid points. To add to the affirmative around use of safe words ... from a quick, effective, communication perspective, a safe word / gesture / sound allows for a critical pause / stop / check in at a moment when an immediate stop needs to happen / someone may be compromised such that they are unable to verbalize what's wrong in the moment but know that something is off. Maybe it feels too scary or *** or hard in the moment to go into all the details but they trust in their partner(s) to know use of the safeword will communicate the critical info on that moment that will allow the space for them to regroup and then be able to communicate in greater detail.

One of my staff has a great witty & sarcastic sense of humor, but it can easily go to far or not be received as intended. Having a safe word or a codeword in this context, means either of us can say it & know it means to tone down the sarcasm bc it is feeling too personal or just isn't a fit fit the moment. No further conversation is needed, and we can easily shift breasts with minimal damage.

Having a safeword is not about trust or lack there of... or about how well you know someone ... we are not mind readers, it is just a safety resource. Most of the time we probably drive perfectly fine without a seatbelt, but what a horrible way to find out you should've worn one, after the fact. Same sentiment regarding safe systems. .... just my perspective!

[DarkArts1066]

@MorganRose -You make a very good, valid point, very eloquently.

[Mo****]

@DarkArts1066 Thank you! Although I had to laugh when i reread my post ... "shift breasts" ... I think I meant shift gears. 😄

[DarkArts1066]

@MorganRose - no prizes for guessing where your mind was, when you wrote your post then ! 😂

Some breasts definitely cannot be shifted with minimal damage (especially to small ***, ***s or the elderly… 😉)

[Ya****]

Safwords are extremely important for both sub and domme, I personally wouldn't let someone domme me without a safeword in place

[Sw****]

Pumpkin patch was ours