Help with husbands BJ kink

[Savvyeas]

So I already posted this on Reddit and everyone essentially said that he's manipulating me, that he is perverted, that I need to divorce, and fetishes aren't real, I really need helpful advice. The thought that my husband would manipulate me and put me through this for BJs is unthinkable. Everyone on Reddit said a man who likes submissive women is the same as a r@pi$t, which is insane and vulgar. Really hard to hear, I feel like he respects women. We have a daughter and he's always talking to her about girl power, I've never heard him say anything negative about women.

Help with husbands fetish

My(27f) husband(38m) has had a fetish for blow jobs by very submissive/slutty women since he was very very young. He doesn't want to dominate them though, there is some mental thing there about a woman who wants to service him and be excited to do it. He sees a counselor. I wanted to do it for him, but he says since I'm not slutty, he doesn't like for me to do it and it doesn't scratch that itch. We've tried BJ machine with porn, he says he likes it but it's not exactly the same. Role playing was awkward for him. Oh and kicker, I have an issue with my jaw so it's very ***ful for me, my jaw has locked up before during. We have PV sex all the time.

When we met, I told him I was bi. I had always wanted to do stuff with women, but after being sexually ***ed, sex with women or men seemed very scary to me. My husband made me feel safe. We have had an exceptional marriage. We are best friends, rarely argue. He had been married before, and the fetish was met in that marriage. They had lots of other issues though, so that didn't work out in the long run. After they divorced, he got this need met still in one way or another. Generally friends with benefits. When he met me, he called it off with all these women. Not long after getting married he asked if I'd be into threesomes, he said he could get blow jobs, and I could finally in a safe environment experiment with women. He's been very clear that he isn't interested in PV sex with them. I wasn't opposed but kinda felt awkward about it. I told him we have a great marriage and I didn't want to mess it up. Then every month he started bringing it up,not in a nagging way, but like a check in, until he finally told me every day he thinks about this fetish, and he can't get it off his mind, that he for 20 years had never gone this long without it and he had no idea it was going to cause him this much distress or occupy his mind so much. He was happy with our marriage but in this one area of his life he was really unhappy. I shut down even more, he felt ashmd and jdgd by me. We tabled it after months of arguing about it, he would bring it up, I'd get really upset and hurt and take it personally, but would say yes, but he saw I didn't really want to, so he'd say forget it. This cycle is no longer working. So now I want to try to get his needs met, I know he'd do the same for me.

His whole thing is that he doesn't want an open relationship, he gets very defensive about that and says we are monogamous and always will be, that he doesn't want to have a romantic relationship or feelings with this person. He said the only reason he'd go the traditional route like tinder on his own is if I decide I'd be happier to just wash my hands of it and let him handle it. He did this for years and never got romantic with even one of them, I know this isn't about feelings. he just wants this taken care of so he doesn't have the negative aspects of not getting the fetish met. He never nags me or makes me feel like it's my fault, he has never guilted me. I pushed him to be honest about this. It sucks all around, he said he wishes it would just go away, but it just isn't, and if he has to be unhappy with this one thing, then he will be. I'd prefer him not to though. 

He clearly has stated a need that isn't getting met, and I told him no and ignored him, until now. I'm worried he may be tempted to cheat if he doesn't get this fetish fulfilled. He swears he won't, and I should believe him, but I know that if someone keeps you from getting your needs met you can unintentionally resent them, he tried to get me to stop vaping and I resented that. I don’t want to play with fire, and not doing it feels like that.

(Btw he is not a sex addict according to three therapist). I told him that I want him to be happy, so I'm okay with a surrogate (term from our counselor) who swears many people do this and have happy marriages, my conditions were that there is no relationship at all, they aren't alone except to do this, only once a week, and we pick the surrogate together. He had no issues with this other than once again suggesting threesomes instead because we could do it together, he said that was his preference and he thought it would be less complicated for me. And also I can finally explore my bi side. I said maybe, but right now im just not sure. 

Can anyone offer positive advice? Please don’t say to leave him. I'd really love first hand advice from someone married to a partner with a fetish or someone who is like my husband. Thank you!

Edit: if someone has advice on finding a surrogate, please, I am all ears. 

Edited September 1, 2023 by Savvyeas

[Deleted Member]

Bdsm is about not judgment. And open mind. So judgy people should be ashamed. Everyone has kinks that aren't exactly understood by all or many. But it's not wrong. You are doing as you crave for him... Hold strong to your gut and the judgers can rot in the hypocrisy they live for pretending to be a part of open minded healing lifestyle. With no room for judgement

[Deleted Member]

Well if you both are on board with his fetish I don’t see the harm
You are talking about with each other and seems like you two have reached a good compromise!
I don’t think that makes him equivalent to a rpist
Keep up the good work!
As long as the two of you are happy than f*** everyone else they are not living in your relationship

[Milastorm]

From the sound of it, he doesn't sound manipulative or perverted, just because he has a kink need that isn't being met doesn't make him a pervert. I've worked with couples that have different needs and kinks which can be difficult. The biggest challenge is to find that middle compromise that works for both of you. A possible suggestion is that right now it seems both of you are ok with surrogate. Cool, but you're not into 3some and he wants 3some only to make it less complicated for you. So rather than 3some perhaps being wiling to meet the girl together so you know who she is and if you're comfortable being in the same room but not join might help him feel at ease knowing you are there.

The biggest thing here is to figure out what that middle ground is for the both of you that the both of you feel comfortable with. You have a great start because you have something the both of you are ok with, a surrogate, so start there.

Good luck!

You can private msg me if you like.

[Deleted Member]

Maybe you should see a Chiropractor about that Jaw! Could be out of Alignment , get it reset & adjusted & work on the jaw/ neck muscles 🤷🏽…. like’s Submissives but not a Dom himself ?? Sounds like he watched may too much Porn when he was Much younger! Come to terms and have conversations with Getting that 3sum , loosen up & open up to talking about it A lot and getting yourself worked up and Turned on by the thought of it , and get y’all a female in the Mixxx

[Li****]

At the risk of probably getting shot down in many flames I see an extremely easy way out of this for everyone I'm surprised you haven't thought of it. Your husband wants that slutty blow job, you want him to have it and you are fine with someone else giving it to him? I hope I've understood that correctly so far.... if this is indeed the case then there are plenty of paid professional women out there who would be prepared to do the deal for you with you present, without having to go through all of the nightmare of trying to find a suitable surrogate just go and pick one together job done!!!😘

[Deleted Member]

  55 minutes ago, Lilivorydoll said:

At the risk of probably getting shot down in many flames I see an extremely easy way out of this for everyone I'm surprised you haven't thought of it. Your husband wants that slutty blow job, you want him to have it and you are fine with someone else giving it to him? I hope I've understood that correctly so far.... if this is indeed the case then there are plenty of paid professional women out there who would be prepared to do the deal for you with you present, without having to go through all of the nightmare of trying to find a suitable surrogate just go and pick one together job done!!!😘

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Yes! This. Sex work is work! Valid work. Great suggestion

[DarkArts1066]

This is quite a complex issue - isn’t it ?.

Firstly, you are both to be applauded, because you are at least talking about this… and approaching it as openly as you possibly can. Things like this can destroy relationships, and you are both working really hard to deal with this in a mature manner.

I am going to speak both professionally, and personally on this subject, as both a Counselor - and a breast sex fetishist. As the latter I can see both sides of this problem. My own fetish has cost me one marriage - which is one of the reasons I began training as a counselor in the first place.

The simplest route to solving this issue, would be for you to be the one who gives him this “slutty blowjob” that he craves. You’ve mentioned your jaw issue… I assume that this is not something that can be remedied - and that you have explored this - for your own health and well-being with a medical professional ?.
Do you think that you ‘could’ give him that slutty blowjob ?
By that, I mean could you roleplay that character to his satisfaction - and more importantly, would you be prepared to do this for him ?
You mention that he doesn’t see you in that way - however, it’s interesting how peoples’ perspectives can change if presented with the right circumstance - and the right stimuli.

You being the one to fulfil his needs (assuming that you are willing to do this) would be far and away the easiest option for you both.

Your husband seems to be steering you both toward engaging a third party. This is primarily to fulfil his needs - but he appears to genuinely want you to explore your own bi-sexual curiousity also.
Psychologically, he may not be able to see you in that role as ‘slutty BJ giver’. You have had a life together, which involves the more regular, mundane day to day things, and sometimes, it’s hard to do those more intimate, fetishised things together as a result.
As an example, I had a partner after my marriage who was happy to fulfil my breast sex needs, whenever the urge took me. We had a ‘free use’ arrangement in that respect.
However, she wanted us to watch porn together in bed, and have mutual masturbation sessions if we had both had tiring, long days.
Sounds ideal - right ?… a great solution to mutual gratification before sleep.
Except that I found it really awkward watching porn with her… because it had been something I had always done solo … almost furtively, and it felt out of place doing that with her. It took time, but I came round to the idea, and the result was a very pleasurable, relaxing and loving experience for us both.

If you DO decide to find a surrogate for him - and by that, let’s be clear… this is a another woman who will give him oral sex, in the way he likes, on a regular basis - but nothing else, then you have two options in my opinion.

Option one, is that you attempt to advertise for someone - AS A COUPLE, on sites such as this, or possibly swingers sites.

You will need to vet potential candidates. Meet these women for coffee, lunch or whatever -together, and make sure they are aware of your exact requirements. Ground rules MUST be in place. You,ideally, should be present when he is serviced by them.
Why ? - because you will need to satisfy yourself that this is purely an oral transaction.. and that nothing else….. no feelings are involved from either party.
If you do go down this route (and believe me, there are women out there with oral fixations and fetishes) - then why not make the whole situation about the both of you, and find someone who you are attracted to also, and would like to explore your Bi side a an with ?

- I am not talking about ‘appeasing his guilt’ here - or anything like that, but you have desires also, and this would be an ideal way in which to explore those too wouldn’t it ?.

Your second option, is to find a professional, to fulfil this role. By that, I am referring to an escort - or prostitute.
This route has pros, and cons.

The Pros are this:
An escort who provides a PSE - or ‘porn star experience’ will quite likely be able to give your husband exactly what he needs, in all her slutty, deep throating, gagging, throat-fucking glory.

You can choose pretty much everything about her. How she dresses, her hair colour, body shape etc …

She will be regularly tested for STI’s - and will be happy to show you evidence of this.

She will be highly unlikely to want to pursue a romantic relationship with one of her ‘punters’. This is her livelihood- not a social interaction as such.
E
She may travel to your home, or you could meet her somewhere neutral, such as a hotel, if you wish to keep this out of the marital home.

The Cons:
She will charge you for her services. Some can be reasonable, some can be astronomical !…. Choose wisely here.

There are many reputable websites which sex workers use to advertise their services. Do NOT just pull one out of a phone book, or phone booth wall.

If you choose to meet her away from your home, you will most likely be liable for the full coat of any hotel - and her travel.

Both can be acceptable options in the right circumstances. I myself have done both over the years… and had great success.

I am happy for you to contact me by DM if you would like to chat through this further… I do have further insights, but it would be inappropriate for me to share them publicly.

Good luck with solving your dilemma. Please know that there is a good solution out there for you BOTH. That is crucial.

[Se****]

  2 hours ago, DarkArts1066 said:

This is quite a complex issue - isn’t it ?.

Firstly, you are both to be applauded, because you are at least talking about this… and approaching it as openly as you possibly can. Things like this can destroy relationships, and you are both working really hard to deal with this in a mature manner.

I am going to speak both professionally, and personally on this subject, as both a Counselor - and a breast sex fetishist. As the latter I can see both sides of this problem. My own fetish has cost me one marriage - which is one of the reasons I began training as a counselor in the first place.

The simplest route to solving this issue, would be for you to be the one who gives him this “slutty blowjob” that he craves. You’ve mentioned your jaw issue… I assume that this is not something that can be remedied - and that you have explored this - for your own health and well-being with a medical professional ?.
Do you think that you ‘could’ give him that slutty blowjob ?
By that, I mean could you roleplay that character to his satisfaction - and more importantly, would you be prepared to do this for him ?
You mention that he doesn’t see you in that way - however, it’s interesting how peoples’ perspectives can change if presented with the right circumstance - and the right stimuli.

You being the one to fulfil his needs (assuming that you are willing to do this) would be far and away the easiest option for you both.

Your husband seems to be steering you both toward engaging a third party. This is primarily to fulfil his needs - but he appears to genuinely want you to explore your own bi-sexual curiousity also.
Psychologically, he may not be able to see you in that role as ‘slutty BJ giver’. You have had a life together, which involves the more regular, mundane day to day things, and sometimes, it’s hard to do those more intimate, fetishised things together as a result.
As an example, I had a partner after my marriage who was happy to fulfil my breast sex needs, whenever the urge took me. We had a ‘free use’ arrangement in that respect.
However, she wanted us to watch porn together in bed, and have mutual masturbation sessions if we had both had tiring, long days.
Sounds ideal - right ?… a great solution to mutual gratification before sleep.
Except that I found it really awkward watching porn with her… because it had been something I had always done solo … almost furtively, and it felt out of place doing that with her. It took time, but I came round to the idea, and the result was a very pleasurable, relaxing and loving experience for us both.

If you DO decide to find a surrogate for him - and by that, let’s be clear… this is a another woman who will give him oral sex, in the way he likes, on a regular basis - but nothing else, then you have two options in my opinion.

Option one, is that you attempt to advertise for someone - AS A COUPLE, on sites such as this, or possibly swingers sites.

You will need to vet potential candidates. Meet these women for coffee, lunch or whatever -together, and make sure they are aware of your exact requirements. Ground rules MUST be in place. You,ideally, should be present when he is serviced by them.
Why ? - because you will need to satisfy yourself that this is purely an oral transaction.. and that nothing else….. no feelings are involved from either party.
If you do go down this route (and believe me, there are women out there with oral fixations and fetishes) - then why not make the whole situation about the both of you, and find someone who you are attracted to also, and would like to explore your Bi side a an with ?

- I am not talking about ‘appeasing his guilt’ here - or anything like that, but you have desires also, and this would be an ideal way in which to explore those too wouldn’t it ?.

Your second option, is to find a professional, to fulfil this role. By that, I am referring to an escort - or prostitute.
This route has pros, and cons.

The Pros are this:
An escort who provides a PSE - or ‘porn star experience’ will quite likely be able to give your husband exactly what he needs, in all her slutty, deep throating, gagging, throat-fucking glory.

You can choose pretty much everything about her. How she dresses, her hair colour, body shape etc …

She will be regularly tested for STI’s - and will be happy to show you evidence of this.

She will be highly unlikely to want to pursue a romantic relationship with one of her ‘punters’. This is her livelihood- not a social interaction as such.
E
She may travel to your home, or you could meet her somewhere neutral, such as a hotel, if you wish to keep this out of the marital home.

The Cons:
She will charge you for her services. Some can be reasonable, some can be astronomical !…. Choose wisely here.

There are many reputable websites which sex workers use to advertise their services. Do NOT just pull one out of a phone book, or phone booth wall.

If you choose to meet her away from your home, you will most likely be liable for the full coat of any hotel - and her travel.

Both can be acceptable options in the right circumstances. I myself have done both over the years… and had great success.

I am happy for you to contact me by DM if you would like to chat through this further… I do have further insights, but it would be inappropriate for me to share them publicly.

Good luck with solving your dilemma. Please know that there is a good solution out there for you BOTH. That is crucial.

Expand  

I don’t think there probably anything anyone else can say that would be more helpful than this. Great response.

OP - I hope you both find what it is you need to be happier in your marriage. You sound like 2 amazing humans and (I believe) this is the way relationships ought to work. Communication and honesty all the way xx

[Shananddr]

Wonderful response above and I applaud you for being open to your husbands needs. I agree you should be there.

[bi****]

You have a great marriage, but he has a problem if he cannot stop thinking about a "slutty woman giving him a BJ" - that's wierd, not the BJ but the obsession over it and the inability to accept you doing it on a fantasy basis. That it doesn't feel good enough for him there is just strange. Apart from that, it sounds to me like you should get another woman in to play with and slut for him - if you can find one, those unicorns are rare. So my advice for him is to try and understand why this fetish has so much control over him, and for you to find that unicorn to play with. if it doesn't work out, then you can stop it but its better to try it and stop than it is to never do it because it *might* not work. Surrogate advice: swinger sites would be my first stop, but be aware that adverts looking for a 2nd woman are usually interpreted as "man wants to play away", so put the detail in to avoid this kind of misunderstanding.

[PE****]

Ok well I would give you this advice what is his definition of a “ slutty” woman have him for a porno online that shows what he’s looking for…and then watch it…is it the control ? The dirty talk? The girl craving like she’s obsessed with doing to his cock and only his? Or her doing it as in gurgling on it ?slobber wanna be called names while being made to do it? Some guys need a lot of rein***ment that the girl sucking his cock is so into it that it makes him feel secure and the fact that he likes his cock and enjoys being with him for a really, really really high extent. It’s more of looking out a porno may help you see visually what he’s looking for and maybe you guys have done this already and just ask him OK what about this makes it better for you? I don’t know if I’ve helped or just written a comment that you wish. You never didn’t want to bang your head against the wall. Lol I wish you the best.

[Al****]

You must by now have a very strong sense of when he is lying or merely telling the truth. Believe your interpretation of what he is telling you.

Then you can look at what is suggested in the comments that might help you. You’ve lived with this situation for a long time. I doubt very much he is just a pervert.

I think you can only try what you know you could live with. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made, if no compromise is possible. I’d advise you keep talking.

[Li****]

Peonycharm,  yes sex workers should also be viewed in a positive way. 

[Th****]

Ehhh tbh I’m not hearing a fetish- I have an absolute obsession with bjs, and the vibe I’m getting is that you don’t do it for him, orally, and he doesn’t know how to tell you or perhaps instruct you on how to give him what he’s wanting. Moreover- Tbh I’d imagine there’s a need to “prowl” built in there somewhere. The only helpful advice I can offer, I’m afraid, is that it’s likely time to tell him to just be brutally honest with you, as it doesn’t sound like you’re getting past whatever built in shame he has for this.

[ol****]

I am firmly with those who support the fact the OP is having the conversation. I also agree that finding the perfect unicorn is going to be difficult and the paid sex worker route might be viable.

[Deleted Member]

I agree with Oldfellow with paid sex worker. There's no miscommunications, misunderstand, all the searching, or anything else. You got needs met, their gone, and nothing changed in the marriage. The only recommendation is for you. Pick a sex worker that is bi as well, so you have a good experience. Alot will do it only to get paid.

[DarkArts1066]

  Saturday at 02:20 PM, seonny said:

I agree with Oldfellow with paid sex worker. There's no miscommunications, misunderstand, all the searching, or anything else. You got needs met, their gone, and nothing changed in the marriage. The only recommendation is for you. Pick a sex worker that is bi as well, so you have a good experience. Alot will do it only to get paid.

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This is good advice. I believe it is important that you both obtain something from this situation… perhaps treat this as an opportunity for you both .. moving forward.