Deleted Member Posted September 14, 2023 Posted September 14, 2023 Hi! I’m looking for some advice on how to accept kinks I know I have, but don’t want to have. I’m 28f and in a long term (7yrs) relationship, our sex life has always been vanilla and my partner has always found it upsetting that they can’t get me to get turned on. I had a very abusive childhood, so there wasn’t a time where I knew what my sexual preferences were before it started. My first orgasms were all in NC situations and I hated the fact I reacted, even though I know it wasn’t a choice. I know from my porn preferences now that I can experience sexual pleasure and get turned on, but only when its about kinks for a lot of elements of my NC experiences. Talked to my partner about it recently and they were super supportive, and happy to try out different stuff to see what works. Their red line is that they won’t do anything that leaves marks. Which was great because it made me feel less ashamed / wrong / awful. Which I logically get are things I shouldn’t feel, and I wouldn’t accuse anyone else with kinks of being any of those things. But it makes me feel like I got damaged in a way that I can’t change, and if I hadn’t had those NC experiences then I might not have had the kinks that I do. Guess I’m trying to say that it feels like I’m letting my ***rs win if I get pleasure out of similar acts to the ones they did to me. Probably worth saying up front that I’ve had lots of therapy and am still in therapy, but I don’t have CPTSD symptoms any more so I’m not worried about reliving. I’m queer so I already know how not good trying to suppress / change sexual orientation is, and I know the same logic applies to kink. But I still find myself wishing that I could. Hope that’s ok as a post re following the forum guidelines!
Ne**** Posted September 14, 2023 Posted September 14, 2023 Therapy is my first suggestion, my go to suggestion, my follow up suggestion. You can work to ‘rewire’ yourself/retrain, heal from trauma and function more appropriately and satisfactorily for YOURSELF. Partner also needs to get some assistance and perspective on dealing with you. It’s all possible. Good luck.
MsDrawers Posted September 14, 2023 Posted September 14, 2023 Hey, I'm no expert, but I understand its fairly common for people with simar experience to yours to feel uncomfortable and conflicted but to take great comfort and pleasure out of similar sexual scenarios but in which they are in control. In this sense - the important one - it's absolutely incomparable because you are in control and consenting. I don't know if thinking about it that way helps at all, and rationalising shame doesn't make it go away, but this has the potential to be healing and empowering. Only if that works for you of course. Either way, it doesn't have to have anything to do with your ***rs and everything to do with you taking back control of your body and your pleasure.
Li**** Posted September 14, 2023 Posted September 14, 2023 First off, I'm so sorry and gutted to hear that this is the way you feel about your kinks and, internally, yourself, which is still affecting intimacy now for you and your partner. (From what I've read and how I've internalised it) There are plenty of people, including myself, who are here and have sadly been through one or more of - SA, R*, Childhood Trauma, ***, Toxic relationships, and more. The one main thing I want to stress, is please don't let your bad experiences affect, intertwine with, and put you off, the good experiences of kink, intimacy, orgasms and so on! Sometimes, it is the bad that is a reasoning for our kinks, but never let it make you feel shame of yourself or your likes. You've done so well already taking therapy on and progressively trying to build a healthier mind with more understanding, healing, and peace. I prefer to think of this as overpowering any ***r. Because no matter the *** and long-term effects, you can still go out and find a partner to have such a pure, raw, sexual bond and connection with. That defies every ounce of what they potentially could have scarred for life. You should be proud of yourself for how you've dealt with this, continue to, for posting this, and still ask the questions when unsure to know best for you and your partner. You're doing good, and I hope it continues for you both✨️ (Apologies if any of this is repeated, confusing, misspelt, I'm typing extremely tired with sticky eyes hooked on a series before bedtime) 🌙😴
An**** Posted September 14, 2023 Posted September 14, 2023 It infuriates me to hear or see what they did to you, especially as a FUCKING KID, DAMNIT! - The difference now is your maturity and effort to heal. As hypocritical as I may seem, the best bet is Church. - There is a truth to "Religion is the Opiate of the Masses". That BIBLE Holds control and truth, giving you the sense of servitude whilst encouraging you to polish. You will find unimaginable solace there. - Failing that, CNC. *** play. - Surround yourself w/those who seek and value self-investment (not just fiscally). Make platonic friends who are harsh on their own selves and trying to do what is right. - This is not a call to befriend fellow M's, but a push to be w/people successful in life and always looking to fix individual/business/family shortcomings, even to be self-critical. - I don't know you from Adam or Eve, but I am sure you can polish yourself wonderfully. Get (in secret) a licensed therapist. There is no shame in that. Just get one that helps you set life goals. - If you can't afford it, BSF.org. I make no *** from this, but they helped me not put a .45 in my ear. If you aren't Christian, then a mosque. No? A Buddhist temple. Test every avenue, investigate them. Test the spirits, you will know them by their fruit. - I am not evangelizing, but providing a rubric for peace. - Know thyself and know thy enemy, you will win. -Lazy Sun Tzu - Try these tools and options, You are not alone,
De**** Posted September 14, 2023 Posted September 14, 2023 I’m so sorry you went through all those things. Have you worked with your therapist specifically on this? I think you can work to rewire your brain so that you can find other ways to get turned on. However, maybe you could try to think of it as then winning. My ex husband was terribly abusive to me. I don’t consider my submission to my Dom as letting me ex win. Rather I consider it as taking power over something that used to make me powerless. My submission is now a choice for a person who loves me and treats me well. In that way, I feel I’m the one that won.
Li**** Posted September 14, 2023 Posted September 14, 2023 1 minute ago, DenverKitten said: I’m so sorry you went through all those things. Have you worked with your therapist specifically on this? I think you can work to rewire your brain so that you can find other ways to get turned on. However, maybe you could try to think of it as then winning. My ex husband was terribly abusive to me. I don’t consider my submission to my Dom as letting me ex win. Rather I consider it as taking power over something that used to make me powerless. My submission is now a choice for a person who loves me and treats me well. In that way, I feel I’m the one that won. Love this for you🖤💃🏽🥂✨️
Li**** Posted September 14, 2023 Posted September 14, 2023 Just now, LittleSoulTease said: Love this for you🖤💃🏽🥂✨️ *not the ex!! That's shitty and I'm sorry you went through that
gi**** Posted September 14, 2023 Posted September 14, 2023 So, I've been a bit hesitant to wade into the discussion because there have been such powerful female and non-binary voices contributing that I've appreciated the discussion. It is an important one, and I'm so glad that you were brave enough to reach out to others. Like others, I'm so sorry for the treatment in your past. It sounds like you have done a lot of work on much of it. I agree with the voices that are discussing working with this directly in therapy. You may have done so, although I know that it can be hard to discuss these types of things even with others that you trust. It was also brave of you to talk with your partner. It is natural that intimacy and connection would be different after the experiences you had. These can be worked on in therapy. Working on continuing to communicate and connect with your partner around your needs, as well as significant after care that demonstrates your value and their intimate connection to you is very important. Please know that you are not alone, and that there is a community to support you.
Deleted Member Posted September 14, 2023 Author Posted September 14, 2023 Sent you an extremely long, more personalized message.
Ae**** Posted September 14, 2023 Posted September 14, 2023 Have you talked with your therapist about your feelings regarding your kinks. You have a relationship with your kinks and you can make it positive via perspective. What happened to us. In the past, and our past reactions to it are not a choice. They are done. But our current reaction to it is our choice. Bit by bit babysteps, you can learn to love every bit of you, and also, yes, heal the parts of your mind that were altered by those NC experiences, and basically reset yourself back to healthy. But there's no pressing need to do so - having these kinks is fine, and if you'd like to explore "undoing" them, that's totally fine too.
sl**** Posted September 15, 2023 Posted September 15, 2023 Ketamine therapy. Not sure if it’s legal in the UK But if it’s available in a clinical setting there, I would highly recommend.
Ne**** Posted September 15, 2023 Posted September 15, 2023 23 minutes ago, slabdick said: Ketamine therapy. Not sure if it’s legal in the UK But if it’s available in a clinical setting there, I would highly recommend. Regardless of your personal experience, or any licensed personnel’s utilisation of such, it’s reckless as heck to just suggest any drug be used in such a manner! Wowsers.
ar**** Posted September 15, 2023 Posted September 15, 2023 I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. . You didn't specify what kind of therapy you had, but I believe EMDR could be very beneficial in dealing with past trauma. So if you feel like nothing helped, perhaps that's a lead if you're unfamiliar with it. . If you're a logically inclined person, you may benefit from using rationalization as a coping strategy. You mentioned feeling like your ***rs win if you get pleasure. What your ***rs did was wrong. You getting pleasure is good. It is not logical to deprive yourself of the loving goodness, just for the sake of irrationally thinking that somehow that relates to your ***rs. In fact, thinking just like that, is the way that they win. . Your pleasure in the present day, revolves around presentday experiences. Your journey in porn, and the love you share with your partner. Your ***rs should play no part in this - you may feel that what they did may be good in the sense that it gets you off now, but the act and way they ***d that onto you clearly wasn't good. If you can mindfully separate (the people from) that past experience, from your current loving embrace, and know there is no shame in experiencing pleasure (with those you love), and that is just between you and your partner, then I believe you will be better for it.
Deleted Member Posted September 15, 2023 Author Posted September 15, 2023 Thanks for all the advice! Really helpful and appreciate it. On the therapy side, agree EMDR is super helpful, I did that first and then moved onto trauma informed CBT. And I do talk to my therapist about my kinks, they’re great about it and are trying to encourage me to embrace/celebrate them. Which is partly why I joined Fet and posted on here, helps to know that I’m not the only one experiencing / feeling this sort of thing :)
Ne**** Posted September 15, 2023 Posted September 15, 2023 1 hour ago, london623895 said: Thanks for all the advice! Really helpful and appreciate it. On the therapy side, agree EMDR is super helpful, I did that first and then moved onto trauma informed CBT. And I do talk to my therapist about my kinks, they’re great about it and are trying to encourage me to embrace/celebrate them. Which is partly why I joined Fet and posted on here, helps to know that I’m not the only one experiencing / feeling this sort of thing :) Super glad you’re not on this app looking for the***utic advice from non qualified weardos, heh. You seem very positive and together and doing all the right things and I hope you get all that you need to function the best ways possible for You. Thanks for sharing.
Ne**** Posted September 15, 2023 Posted September 15, 2023 4 minutes ago, slabdick said: Weirdo calling people weirdos. It was a lighthearted wording and included myself since I too am on this app. What is your problem with me? Can’t handle me speaking MY MIND about something you suggested that I still feel wasn’t the most responsible thing to suggest? Geezus dude move on
sl**** Posted September 15, 2023 Posted September 15, 2023 You feel so confident about this. Or are you tired of being totally unimportant in your everyday life that this is your outlet that you gain some sort of validation that your opinion counts.
gi**** Posted September 15, 2023 Posted September 15, 2023 4 hours ago, london623895 said: Thanks for all the advice! Really helpful and appreciate it. On the therapy side, agree EMDR is super helpful, I did that first and then moved onto trauma informed CBT. And I do talk to my therapist about my kinks, they’re great about it and are trying to encourage me to embrace/celebrate them. Which is partly why I joined Fet and posted on here, helps to know that I’m not the only one experiencing / feeling this sort of thing So good to hear you are talking about this with your therapist. You are not alone at all in experiencing/feeling these things.
Andrew-7028 Posted September 26, 2023 Posted September 26, 2023 Sorry to hear about that. But I am not an expert, and I am not able to offer professional advice. I think it is better to ask someone professional for help. All I can say is try to love yourself, and tell yourself everything is permissible.
Dryoni Posted October 9, 2023 Posted October 9, 2023 On 9/15/2023 at 5:13 PM, arnhem961 said: I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. . You didn't specify what kind of therapy you had, but I believe EMDR could be very beneficial in dealing with past trauma. So if you feel like nothing helped, perhaps that's a lead if you're unfamiliar with it. . If you're a logically inclined person, you may benefit from using rationalization as a coping strategy. You mentioned feeling like your ***rs win if you get pleasure. What your ***rs did was wrong. You getting pleasure is good. It is not logical to deprive yourself of the loving goodness, just for the sake of irrationally thinking that somehow that relates to your ***rs. In fact, thinking just like that, is the way that they win. . Your pleasure in the present day, revolves around presentday experiences. Your journey in porn, and the love you share with your partner. Your ***rs should play no part in this - you may feel that what they did may be good in the sense that it gets you off now, but the act and way they ***d that onto you clearly wasn't good. If you can mindfully separate (the people from) that past experience, from your current loving embrace, and know there is no shame in experiencing pleasure (with those you love), and that is just between you and your partner, then I believe you will be better for it. EMDR is a great tool for single traumas, complex may need other interventions, it is worth noting I am a Gestalt Practitioner, and that will not suit everyone, the same as CBT works for some but not all, finding a therapist you can resonate with, and can create your safe place is very important, sometimes, more important than modality.
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