Hoping to grow partner’s domme side

[Deleted Member]

I love to be submissive and so too does my partner. But I’m the only switch. I’m looking for advice on how to introduce her to the ways of taking a more dominant position in our love life. Though I enjoy whips and bondage, it’s clear that is not the way to jump in. She is comfortable choking me but stops when it gets intense. I’m looking for her to become more dominant but that doesn’t mean aggressive. Just assertive and confident.

Anything helps <3

[Wy****]

Is it something she wants for herself? I know plenty of submissives who are very uncomfortable when they have to do dominant things. If she wants it, then there are plenty of ways to go about it but it needs to come from a place within her.

[do****]

I've always thought of bondage as a good stepping stone to switching if someone actively wants to change. Not a switch myself, but my thought process with bondage is that it can be very doting and performatively loving for your partner.

You can dress it up in different ways. "Oh this person is trouble (like sexy dangerous), so I have to tie them down to make sure we have the kind of sweet play that I prefer." "If I'm good and I learn this rope technique, I can give my partner a sensation of being held tightly that will make them feel loved and valued." You could also use more cutesy bondage gear, like she's traping you in her binds of prettiness; then she could still play up a cute or somewhat little kind of interaction while dabbling in restricting you and ultimately being more assertive and decisive, but in a different way.

[Je****]

She has to want it. And get enjoyment from it. Otherwise it won't happen

[ge****]

Agree completely with @WyldKatt - but perhaps another way to approach it, which still needs your partners buy in and desire, is by maybe removing the "dominant" element - coming at it as more "mutual kink play" where you encourage each other without the constraints (pun intended) of a dominant or submissive "role".
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So for example you agree you're going to spank each other one evening - with each of you having an equal voice and able to say "more" or "less" to encourage the other.
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Can apply that to any number of activities and it may even help bring out the inner dominant in both of you.

[SinsAndLust]

As others have said, she needs to WANT to be dominant, and if she doesn't, it'll be very difficult to get her to take a top/dominant role and you need to respect that.

You can try topping from the bottom and guiding her, but that's still you being the dominant and her the submissive no matter how you look at it.

[Re****]

I tried and spoke to an ex about it, but it just wasn’t the same. The person has to want to do it.

[an****]

Her desire must be there. If the subject comes up often by you it’s only going to be perceived as pressure. That will not spark but in fact kill any confidence in being one. And it depends on a lot of other things too, like to what level are you submissive? Is it still in a manly way, manly and sensual way? That saying no expectations is cliche and never true cuz everyone expects something to happen- not just stare at one another waiting for nothing to happen lol- so I am gonna modify it here, when it comes to her debut or trial run- absolute non disclosure of your expectations. Don’t tell her she has to be a certain way but allow her to attempt without disapproval or negative body language.. act like you like it.. she will feed off of it…You allude to your expectations I can bet *** she will never feel confident enough in the moments to feel like has executed her duty. Cuz she is still sub to you, and probably compares herself as dom to your dom and in her mind, it just doesn’t seem like it could ever be compared.

[an****]

15 hours ago, adorabledoll said:

I've always thought of bondage as a good stepping stone to switching if someone actively wants to change. Not a switch myself, but my thought process with bondage is that it can be very doting and performatively loving for your partner.

You can dress it up in different ways. "Oh this person is trouble (like sexy dangerous), so I have to tie them down to make sure we have the kind of sweet play that I prefer." "If I'm good and I learn this rope technique, I can give my partner a sensation of being held tightly that will make them feel loved and valued." You could also use more cutesy bondage gear, like she's traping you in her binds of prettiness; then she could still play up a cute or somewhat little kind of interaction while dabbling in restricting you and ultimately being more assertive and decisive, but in a different way.

I like your response, I’ve was pressured by my dominate and domestic lover and it was very hurtful to me. I would attempt and feel either silly and want to laugh - which is not good- or feel like this is not who I wanna be and cry. Also, not a good experience for either person.

[kinkster_dom959]

Remember exploring kinks starts with curiosity or feeling the need to explore. So communicate and drop hints, which I think you are already doing. But ultimately, your partner has to feel curious, have a open mind and willingness to be dominant and try new things. A lot of times, they may not be dominant at all or may only like certain kinks which may not be all of them that you want. One cannot turn on or turn off the kink switch!

So be patient, let her figure out organically if she wants to try. Enjoy the time spent with her and grow with her. Hopefully you will figure out with trial and error what she likes or doesn’t. Pushing her will only create challenges because someone is trying to change for another person and it will be ***d, awkwardness. The fact that she likes to *** you, shows that she is willing to explore. Give her space and time to explore. All the best in your journey and I hope you both are able to figure out a happy balance😊

[MasterDarcy1979]

It's innate. The role that you are is innate.

I'm a Dominant. I couldn't imagine what would happen if someone tried to make me submissive. It would probably turn my Dom dial up to 11.

There are lots and lots of people out there who want to turn their Dom partner into a sub or vice versa.

I've never heard of an instance where it's worked.

Sure, you can teach people to do this and act that way, but you can't teach love. If someone is doing something and going through the motions, they might as well not do it.

[RainbowTea]

IF she has even a little bit of a domme side, then all you can really do is gently encourage it. But she may not have a domme side, in which case you'll just have to accept that, especially if you love the person enough to stay with them. Either way, you can't make someone into something they're not. A D type or an s type is someone who feels that fits them deep down, and it may or may not include a desire to switch sometimes. Doms and subs choose those roles because they genuinely love those roles not just in the bedroom, but outside of it as well. And if someone only enjoys a dominant style of role/activities in the bedroom but not outside of the bedroom, then they're probably not really a Dominant but more of a Top. Which is fine too, but Dominance almost always includes being Dominant outside the bedroom, not just in it. So even if she does find herself enjoying topping you in bedroom activities, that may only be as far as it goes for her.

 

Even if she enjoys some Topping activities in the bedroom she may not enjoy actually being Dominant outside the bedroom, in which case you're not really going to get an actual Domme, but a sub who is also a Top/bottom switch. If you need more actual Dominance outside the bedroom and she doesn't have a Domme bone in her body, then you may not be compatible. I don't have any other advice than that though, since I've never had a situation like that in my own life