How can we make sure women feel safe in an online community?

[Se****]

Having read all the comments so far on this topic I really ought to be shocked. Sadly, I’m not.

Every time a topic like this raises its head it is almost guaranteed that there will be a group saying “but what about me/us” and yet another group saying “ridiculous, how can people not feel safe online”. Once again it’s happened here with the added joy of someone commenting that it is a woman’s own fault if she doesn’t feel safe - really! 🙄

I completely agree that everyone ought to feel safe at all times online or not however that is not the world we live in (which is sad but is another topic). When I first saw this post I had intended to reply stating my beliefs that we shouldn’t be looking merely for ways to make women feel safe but to make everyone feel safe - I then realised that actually it is, more often than not, the case that women receive offensive and/or abusive messages. It is generally women who receive unsolicited pictures they haven’t consented to and women who have to defend their right to say no. So as much as I believe EVERYONE deserves safety the fact of the matter is that women are generally not as “aggressive” or “confrontational” as men and ergo are more likely to feel unsafe.

There have been occasions where I have posted a writing or commented on a writing and derogatory comments have been made. I’m a big girl and as a as general rule I can stick up for myself and tell the person what I think. However, there is a *** in doing this that I will receive “black marks” from moderators and so, I tend not to defend myself. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the need for moderation and I don’t want to stoop to some peoples level but it would be nice on occasion to say what I really feel.

 In terms of messages, these days I have no qualms about hitting the block button or reporting someone. I hope that my reports actually do something but it would be nice to find out what the outcome of reporting someone is.

I was speaking with a lovely gentleman for a decent period of time which began through his comments on one of my writings. He moved the chat to messages because of a certain couple’s comments but he also reported them (you know who you are, thank you 😘). That is what we need. Community spirit and looking out for each other. I have also reported people for offensive comments made in threads/on images.

We all need to work together to make this a safe and happy place for everyone.

One thing I do think would be a very good idea would be to have an area where names of concern could be shared. No details or information given in this area but it would mean others could contact you to ask what the concern was  and allow them to make a more informed decision. This is something I’ve seen work very well on other kink sites. Unfortunately, there is the possibility of spite/nastiness/untruths to be told but I personally feel more information equals more power.

 

[yo****]

I've had some really, really disturbing and scary messages on this app. People threatening to r*pe me, slit my throat, stalk me... ive had to take breaks from the app to recover. Then you get the messages from people just being completely disrespectful - a common misconception is that by me simply being a member of this app I am giving consent to be name called and verbally ***d. I try to focus on the nice people and ignore/report the bad, I guess I've come to terms with it. I've found the majority of men that message me are polite and kind. So I try not to let the others ruin the experience for me.

[ItsSusan]

Why feel unsafe??? Just block ignore if not like something 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Alucard255]

Tteat them like people, its sad i cant have conversations with a lot of good people because most are being frighted by the shit part of the internet community

[Co****]

Shouldn’t everyone feel safe? I digress. We as people should take into consideration that other people have just as much feeling and emotion as you do.

[xz****]

Just be open and empathic about all females needs at all times... And Treat other's how you wana be treated regardless of gender... Plus just have no expectations and just do what comes naturally truly mutal and platonic times x stay safe everyone:)x

[Missiediax55]

I’ve already had to screenshot and report pushy and creepy messages from 7 different men in the past few days🤦‍♀️.

[Deleted Member]

They're in their own homes on a computer. How much safer can they feel?

[co****]

13 minutes ago, megbaby17 said:

I've had some really, really disturbing and scary messages on this app. People threatening to r*pe me, slit my throat, stalk me... ive had to take breaks from the app to recover. Then you get the messages from people just being completely disrespectful - a common misconception is that by me simply being a member of this app I am giving consent to be name called and verbally ***d. I try to focus on the nice people and ignore/report the bad, I guess I've come to terms with it. I've found the majority of men that message me are polite and kind. So I try not to let the others ruin the experience for me.

That’s scary! Sorry you had to go through that

[Jmacfrank]

Being honest here myself I think if the majority of members contacted the app provider or moderators if for the amount of complaints received should result in a permanent ban and notify other users of the abusive individuals to safeguard them from this and also stamp out the unacceptable behavior really

[co****]

12 minutes ago, Missiediax55 said:

I’ve already had to screenshot and report pushy and creepy messages from 7 different men in the past few days🤦‍♀️.

Wow! That’s frustrating.

[Su****]

I’m very young and new to this sort of thing and the amount of guys telling me I look like their underaged daughters and want to hook up with me gross me tf out!

[Mi****]

As a man, I wish I had the answers for you. I couldn’t imagine the insane shit you have to filter through in your inboxes.

[Cr****]

8 minutes ago, Subbrat18 said:

I’m very young and new to this sort of thing and the amount of guys telling me I look like their underaged daughters and want to hook up with me gross me tf out!

Wait actually? Wtf

[yo****]

16 minutes ago, Subbrat18 said:

I’m very young and new to this sort of thing and the amount of guys telling me I look like their underaged daughters and want to hook up with me gross me tf out!

Omg be careful love! I find this app heavy, and I'm 30! If you ever meet up with anyone from here make sure you tell a friend who you're meeting & where you're going! Stay safe :)

[Th****]

The fact that this post is being moderated and comments must be approved by a mod yet some of the comments that have still made it through are an example of the moderation issues. 

[Se****]

I'm lucky that I haven't encountered any for those men, but men need to understand that Dom/sub needs to have consent on both sides by jumping into anything. They can't immediately start talking sexually or calling me out of my name before having a communicate about that. I immediately blocked them if they started doing that because they were paying attention to themselves.

[Deleted Member]

We begin to make women feel safe by making it so they are not the only ones speaking out about bad behavior. We continue the process by listening to them when they say they feel unsafe. We keep pushing to change the culture until a visible shift begins, at that point we re-asses. Every step of the way, we seek to protect those that speak out from being targeted and silenced. How do we do all this while hiding behind screenames and anonymity? By creating safe public spaces, by exhibiting this behavior out in the open, and then finding a way to translate that to the internet. Banning people is a great temporary step, but changing the culture that gives people permission to be this way is the end goal yes? All the whole realizing that a kink to be objectified or restrained doesn't give permission to do so.

[Pi****]

The reason it’s so hard to find women on apps like these is because of the predatory comments and messages, even worse when someone takes a chance and tries to take it offline only to be victimized. Men complain that they can only find sex workers and treat every woman they talk to like a sex workers. That’s why that’s all your finding sweetheart. Because the real women got sick of it and left.

[ca****]

I quit this site for a while as I was tired of young men coming at me calling me Mommy … while I respect women who do , as a Mother it’s not for me

[Ol****]

Hi
Why only women even for men’s are the same rules of the game, from the moment that we expose our selfs in a community there’s no 100% guarantee that the person that is chatting with you has good intentions, it’s a risk that we all take, the only thing that we can do is expose at the admin the scammers, so the admin can block them.

[jb****]

1 hour ago, Missiediax55 said:

I’ve already had to screenshot and report pushy and creepy messages from 7 different men in the past few days🤦‍♀️.

I have been on the app for 2 days and I already had so many

[L_L_]

I tend to ask a man to prove he’s himself by sending a specific selfie, ie put a finger on your temple, your hand on your head etc
any hesitation usually means he’s bullshit OR he’s posting very very old pics

[Er****]

Wow. I am very shocked to read all the bad comments about women and safety
Well, being in the IT field there are few options. 1) Don't use your real name, location, phone number. 2) Block or report the creeps. 3) Take a screenshot of any communication threat that you received. 4) Mental health is real so try to perceive if your contact is stable or not. If their first message is a threat don't hesitate and report them.
5) If you are under 18 that should not be your playground.
6) Report any sex trafficking offer to the authorities 
Be safe and act wisely

[Deleted Member]

Start by not sending unsolicited penis pics right off the bat