Communication is key?

[Deleted Member]

I am not certain I am in the right place, but I have a rant coming. I have become very annoyed with people saying things like “Communication is key.”, and then acting as though they have laid a holy grail of advice upon you. That sentence is no mic drop moment. It becomes so broad that it becomes meaningless. There is so much nuance to communication. For example, was it sarcastic or straightforward? Could it be perceived as either or? Does it account for verbal and non verbal? Was it just an onslaught of words or was it meticulously crafted? How did it make you feel? Did you ask if that was the intention while explaining the outcome?
I may be slightly overdoing it here. In my eyes, communication is key boils down to a broad conversation. For example, “What is the key to your healthy dynamic?”…….”ohh, the key is Dom/sub!”.
If these are keys, then what was the lock? I would rather you just say you don’t want to talk about it, or say nothing haha.

I know I rambled a bit here. If you made it here, thank you for your time. Please feel free to say if this resonates or if you disagree entirely.

[Deleted Member]

I think that people just like to "impart wisdom" at great length here. And receive glowing praise for doing so. Maybe it's their kink. I tend to walk on by.

[Submarkg]

But it is a fundamental truth in life ..personal and indeed professional ….that good communication is key … And without it most things fail ..

[Deleted Member]

52 minutes ago, Submarkg said:

But it is a fundamental truth in life ..personal and indeed professional ….that good communication is key … And without it most things fail ..

We are all adults capable of seeing that on our own.

[St****]

I know we think this is obvious and everyone should get it but there was a threat a couple weeks back about how women can stay safe online.

 So many of the comments were but what about Man how do they stay safe online and why can't a woman just feel safe she's at home and just block the person.

And then an 18-year-old chimed in saying that so many men have come up to her and say that she looks like their daughter and they would like to Fuck her.

 I think the barrier is very low for someone to come on here and say they're a dominant but it seems the stories that women will tell say otherwise.

[Ja****]

It is a generic statement which I agree with you on that. But I personally see that as more of a green flag on profiles because to me it’s synonymous with saying “direct, caring, open communication is what I give and what I expect from you”. Just in a few shorter words! Now I may also be reading into it a lot and putting my own spin on what I think and want it to mean but to even mention “communication is key” at least identities that the person is interested in being open and wants to explore each others thoughts and is willing to learn, share, and grow together. I guess it’s just short hand for that at the end of the day. I will usually discuss with someone on a first date how they like to communicate, and ask them to be completely upfront and talk about anything they want with me as I want them to feel safe and not judged regardless of what they want to say. I value honesty incredibly highly and I think that and communication are two peas in the same pod. At the end of the day if you’re not sure what “communication is key” means to that person - just ask.

[Ve****]

I’ve said this so I’m glad you brought it up. A better statement would be: taking about difficult and/or uncomfortable topics with your person is more important than anything. More important that any advice you will ever receive is being willing and able to talk about the desires, dislikes, emotional and physical status, and what happened with the person you are playing with. Especially the things that make you wonder, worry, or want to run away.

[LitSwitch]

I appreciate this because being autistic makes it hard for me to communicate how I’m feeling and what I want to so a blanket statement like communication is key is hard for me to understand

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, inconceivable said:

I think that people just like to "impart wisdom" at great length here. And receive glowing praise for doing so. Maybe it's their kink. I tend to walk on by.

I think you’re right, I may need to work on developing legs for that kind of walking.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Submarkg said:

But it is a fundamental truth in life ..personal and indeed professional ….that good communication is key … And without it most things fail ..

I’m not saying it’s not a fundamental truth, but so is “you need water”. I would think that in a place like this we can specify if we want seltzer, tap, or coconut water. Everyone’s got a thirst, question becomes will anything quench it? I think I am rambling again haha.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Storyteller05 said:

I know we think this is obvious and everyone should get it but there was a threat a couple weeks back about how women can stay safe online.

 So many of the comments were but what about Man how do they stay safe online and why can't a woman just feel safe she's at home and just block the person.

And then an 18-year-old chimed in saying that so many men have come up to her and say that she looks like their daughter and they would like to Fuck her.

 I think the barrier is very low for someone to come on here and say they're a dominant but it seems the stories that women will tell say otherwise.

I’ll be honest. If everyone just said safety is key, I would internally have the same reaction while thanking them for their time and moving on.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Jason_Bristol said:

It is a generic statement which I agree with you on that. But I personally see that as more of a green flag on profiles because to me it’s synonymous with saying “direct, caring, open communication is what I give and what I expect from you”. Just in a few shorter words! Now I may also be reading into it a lot and putting my own spin on what I think and want it to mean but to even mention “communication is key” at least identities that the person is interested in being open and wants to explore each others thoughts and is willing to learn, share, and grow together. I guess it’s just short hand for that at the end of the day. I will usually discuss with someone on a first date how they like to communicate, and ask them to be completely upfront and talk about anything they want with me as I want them to feel safe and not judged regardless of what they want to say. I value honesty incredibly highly and I think that and communication are two peas in the same pod. At the end of the day if you’re not sure what “communication is key” means to that person - just ask.

I like that Communication is key can be synonymous with so many positive words for you. I see it more as a blanket statement that needs to have meaning imprinted on the blanket by the receiver.

I would be so happy if someone said “Communication is a lockpick! It requires tact, skill and patience to open the lock. The lock is free flowing conversation and a happy place.”
There is so much to work with and understand from something like that. Questions could be easily asked. It does not roll off the tongue though.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Velicious said:

I’ve said this so I’m glad you brought it up. A better statement would be: taking about difficult and/or uncomfortable topics with your person is more important than anything. More important that any advice you will ever receive is being willing and able to talk about the desires, dislikes, emotional and physical status, and what happened with the person you are playing with. Especially the things that make you wonder, worry, or want to run away.

Thanks Velicious, I like the way you put that. I enjoy using the word “talking as well” because I feel as though it takes away the big word often used as a crutch.
I have had troubles with free flowing conversations before. I agree with uncomfortable topics needing discussion. I like to think communication is a lockpick. Trial and error, repetition, consistency, and much more. I appreciate your perspective!

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, LitSwitch said:

I appreciate this because being autistic makes it hard for me to communicate how I’m feeling and what I want to so a blanket statement like communication is key is hard for me to understand

I’m glad I said something that could be appreciated. I don’t know much about autism. I know I do not like blanket statements much. To me it’s like saying, “Hey, the sky is blue!”. I respond with “ohh, thank you!” Haha.

[lo****]

What I think many are overlooking here is, good communication skills are learned. So many people think they have good communication skills,  but they don't. Not really.

Those new to this lifestyle usually need to do a bit of work on them. Not all, but most. My own communication skills have gotten so much better since I started having D/S dynamics. I used to keep everything that was bothering me bottled up and not say anything until I was ready to just walk away. Now, even tho I find it difficult, I express things that are bothering me in a relationship so they can be acknowledged by the other person and worked on. It leads to a deeper connection, deeper trust, etc.

Many people are blind to their own short comings. It's a human nature thing.

I am sure every single one of us has room to improve in the area of communication skills. To think you don't is pure ego. It's something you never stop working on, or should never stop working on.

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, locketheart said:

What I think many are overlooking here is, good communication skills are learned. So many people think they have good communication skills,  but they don't. Not really.

Those new to this lifestyle usually need to do a bit of work on them. Not all, but most. My own communication skills have gotten so much better since I started having D/S dynamics. I used to keep everything that was bothering me bottled up and not say anything until I was ready to just walk away. Now, even tho I find it difficult, I express things that are bothering me in a relationship so they can be acknowledged by the other person and worked on. It leads to a deeper connection, deeper trust, etc.

Many people are blind to their own short comings. It's a human nature thing.

I am sure every single one of us has room to improve in the area of communication skills. To think you don't is pure ego. It's something you never stop working on, or should never stop working on.

That’s a good point. I believe I was overlooking the learned aspect. I was expressing my pet ***ve. Glad to hear you have positive experiences honing your communication skills.
I agree that self awareness can really be eye opening. Reflecting and consistently working to improve is fulfilling to me.

[sardonicus87]

6 hours ago, inconceivable said:

I think that people just like to "impart wisdom" at great length here. And receive glowing praise for doing so. Maybe it's their kink. I tend to walk on by.

This, this, this, this, 1,000 times this. I think this happens a lot in general. People like to sit online and give advice, but don't themselves actually ever do anything. I see WAY more talk than I do action.
.
It's particularly annoying when you're someone like me (who isn't an inexperienced novice) and make a post or comment only to have someone that doesn't appear to have ever left their computer chair, to quote or @ you with the same tired generic advice as if you're some kind of newbie. Which isn't to say the advice is bad or anything.
.
That kind of crap has gotten so bad, it makes me not want to post or comment on anything. It's like I can't ever say anything without someone @'ing or quoting me with advice I don't need and didn't ask for, often times that's not even relevant to what I said. That or someone messaging me to ask about "what's that like" or whatever, as if I'm some other object that only exists for them to sponge knowledge off of.
.
Sometimes, it feels like this is 99% of all people online, like nobody does anything real anymore.

[Az****]

Your on the right track, the majority will to truly believe that they are communicating. But in fact, they’re hiding behind a Apps on the Internet. It’s been hard to fine somebody that can communicate, completely communicate and follow through with actions. I feel the most truly want to communicate, but afraid I’ll put themselves out there. And then they want to complain. The other person do not listen or they didn’t communicate. In fact, it’s no more and their perception of what true communication is.

[ey****]

11 hours ago, SkyPriest-28 said:

I have become very annoyed with people saying things like “Communication is key.”, and then acting as though they have laid a holy grail of advice upon you

absolutely

I've had similar rants before

it's... a throwaway phrase that, by irony, is poor communication.  That someone wants to say something for the sake of answer (maybe to get some points towards a membership or an upvote or some such) rather than actually saying what the communication issue is

 

[ey****]

1 minute ago, eyemblacksheep said:

That someone wants to say something for the sake of answer (maybe to get some points towards a membership or an upvote or some such

I appreciate the irony based on my own post count (but I have been here over 5 years) 

[Deleted Member]

Perhaps I've read it wrong, but my take on the OP was the problem with "generic advice" which sardonicus mentioned. Not that advice is so dreadful, but that discussion forums aren't designed for (AI?) essays. I'd even suggest that posting essay level posts with generic advice is often ego-driven.

They work best with posing questions, asking for help, seeking clarification, looking for support and engaging with other perverts. Isn't that what forums are for?

[Redbottom***]

What a great topic .. thank you for raising.
Absolutely agree communication is key but it's something takes work I feel. Whether in long term or new ... You have to put effort in.

In my real life I am an extremely skilled communicator, adjust to any audience and situation. Because of this I was arrogant in this area as a newbie sub, when in fact I was really shit at it in this world, the topics, needs , wants.

I am better but still need to work at it. I use a journal. What I liked and didn't like. What learned . This has helped me communicate much better

I also can only be honest and say to potential new partners. This is an area I struggle in. Sometimes I need time to process, or maybe use texts to start a conversation I may get embarrassed by. My previous Dom learned me and new when to push or when to leave it.

I think the best advice is asking and learning about each other communication needs. I think this question is priority with limits and aftercare discussions too

[Submarkg]

12 hours ago, inconceivable said:

We are all adults capable of seeing that on our own.

I disagree …Many relationships fail ..many projects ..things in life due to failure of communication sonclearly people are not capable of seeing it or are incapable of communicating .. 

[Submarkg]

8 hours ago, SkyPriest-28 said:

I’m not saying it’s not a fundamental truth, but so is “you need water”. I would think that in a place like this we can specify if we want seltzer, tap, or coconut water. Everyone’s got a thirst, question becomes will anything quench it? I think I am rambling again haha.

Againill just say ..so many people fail in life in their personss as l relatiinships and in their professional lives because they dont communicate well .. Dont make themselves clear … actually dont have thre simple skill to communicate well .. 

[lo****]

1 hour ago, Submarkg said:

Againill just say ..so many people fail in life in their personss as l relatiinships and in their professional lives because they dont communicate well .. Dont make themselves clear … actually dont have thre simple skill to communicate well .. 

That's the thing, it's a SKILL it needs to be learned/trained/developed and many many never get that training, never put in the work to be good at communicating. Once you learn it, then it DOES become simple, but there can always be hiccups, and you always need to keep on top of it. With any skill it needs developed and occasional if not constant refinement.

Too many over look that part.