Trouble learning!

[Deleted Member]

  10 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

yeah this is it - you're still asking strangers to give you their time.

that's entitlement

 

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I’m afraid I agree 100%

[ey****]

  9 minutes ago, Harryslamers said:

I asked what the difference was between B,D,S, and M, and I was told that I could have googled it.

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I mean - come on.  That's basic stuff

I mean, not expecting someone totally new to automatically know it - but absolutely, google will bring back a lot of consistent results - and you don't actually have to ask someone who is a woman for that answer

[Al****]

  2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

That ultimately, particularly if you are discussing with a stranger - then this is you asking them a labour of their time

and, I don't know your questions - but - it is frustrating when someone is asked questions that are either easily googleable or better served on the forum

but, also.  Why does it have to be from a woman?  Surely if you've questions then anyone can answer them.

While it's probably not your intention, it is difficult because you will be coming across lazy and entitled. 

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I'm not being lazy or entitled. I'm asking a woman for her opinion on what she enjoys sexually because she has the female anatomy that I'm trying to please. So I don't believe you as a man can relay that information unless you have a vagina. ?

[ey****]

  2 minutes ago, Harryslamers said:

I'm not being lazy or entitled. I'm asking a woman for her opinion on what she enjoys sexually because she has the female anatomy that I'm trying to please. So I don't believe you as a man can relay that information unless you have a vagina. ?

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do you think it's appropriate to DM strangers how they want to be pleased sexually?  

[Th****]

You may not *think* you're being entitled or inappropriate or have that as your intent but impact > intent and from your statements and general attitude here in this thread after receiving several pieces of good, constructive feedback I feel pretty confident saying that you're the reason for your struggles. 

[Al****]

  8 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

do you think it's appropriate to DM strangers how they want to be pleased sexually?  

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When a woman tells me that she has 10 years of fetish experience, I say that I have lots of questions, and she replies to ask away, I ask....

[Th****]

Rather than sending cold DMs to strangers post your questions here in the forum. Get feedback from multiple people, build a level of rapport and behave in a way that would have people be more inclined to *want* to help you. 

Many of us do like helping and guiding new people but not at their demand. You need to offer something in return be it enjoyable, intellectually stimulating conversation and friendship or pay for classes, of which there are a lot available. 

[Al****]

  1 minute ago, ThaliaVirago said:

Rather than sending cold DMs to strangers post your questions here in the forum. Get feedback from multiple people, build a level of rapport and behave in a way that would have people be more inclined to *want* to help you. 

Many of us do like helping and guiding new people but not at their demand. You need to offer something in return be it enjoyable, intellectually stimulating conversation and friendship or pay for classes, of which there are a lot available. 

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Thank for the advice.

[Mi****]

  6 minutes ago, Harryslamers said:

When a woman tells me that she has 10 years of fetish experience, I say that I have lots of questions, and she replies to ask away, I ask....

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Asking educational questions about kink and BDSM is not the same thing about asking a woman what she specifically enjoys sexually. The first one is a genuine inquiry for more knowledge and one that I would respond to. The second is only relevant to me (first lesson - women don’t ask like the same stuff!) and therefore the question is not genuinely looking for information to be applied to other partners. It feels like you are looking to get off and going about it in a way that you think is under the radar. If that’s not what you’re doing, then you need to change what kinds of questions you ask. If that is what you’re doing, knock it off.

[f1****]

  7 minutes ago, ThaliaVirago said:

Rather than sending cold DMs to strangers post your questions here in the forum. Get feedback from multiple people, build a level of rapport and behave in a way that would have people be more inclined to *want* to help you. 

Many of us do like helping and guiding new people but not at their demand. You need to offer something in return be it enjoyable, intellectually stimulating conversation and friendship or pay for classes, of which there are a lot available. 

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This. A million times this. Make it fun to be a teacher, and those of us who like to teach will do so with passion.

[ey****]

  9 minutes ago, Harryslamers said:

When a woman tells me that she has 10 years of fetish experience, I say that I have lots of questions, and she replies to ask away, I ask....

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yeah, she assumes you're going to ask about fetish, etiquette, etc

not either

a) something easily googleable

b) what you should do with her intimate parts 

[Sm****]

Responding to the initial post, ignoring my qualms with some of the replies:

This is the catch-22 of becoming a Dom/me. We’re expected to “know” it all, but we’re just starting out. And moreover, I think that expectation to “know” it already is reasonable—we’re the ones responsible for leading and managing the space, and most subs want to entrust that responsibility (and effort) to their Dom/me.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for help from a woman, but there’s a low probability she has the patience and personality type to teach you. Keep that in mind. That is normal. Most women want their partners to “get it” intuitively. This is a fact, not a complaint.

This is an imperfect metaphor, but to answer the question “why is it so hard […] from a woman?” would you ask a fish how to catch it? It’s easier to talk to fellow experienced fishermen, take their advice, keep what sticks (test it yourself, of course, carefully and using your intuition). And each woman will have drastically different likes and dislikes.

Several people here have offered their minds for those who seek help. I commend them. Talk to people who are happy to help you, don’t bother the people who see it as “entitlement” or “taking”—after all, if you become a good Dom, you’ll possibly help in teaching others as well, passing along the baton of learning.

I got my first “baby’s intro to bdsm” via the KillYourInnerLoser website’s bdsm articles and podcasts, which are barely a scratch on the surface but helped me get definitions and get curious. (And yes, some of those podcasts and articles are written in part by a woman!)

[Mi****]

My (free) advice - put in some minimal effort to educate yourself first before expecting other people to give you their time. Read “The New Topping Book” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy for example. Watch videos on YouTube by Evie Lupine or Kink Academy. Hell, sign up for one of the classes offered on this platform. Go to a munch and talk to humans in real life. Listen to podcasts like “Conversations with a Dom”.

As for pleasuring your partner, ask them. Try things and pay attention to the way they respond. No one else can tell you what they want or like, regardless of shared anatomy.

[Ar****]

  5 minutes ago, Harryslamers said:

When a woman tells me that she has 10 years of fetish experience, I say that I have lots of questions, and she replies to ask away, I ask....

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Apologies for not being a woman so I'm sure my input must be void, but I'd say assuming a offering advice based on ten years of fetish experience means somebody has given you a green light to ask them how they like to pleased is a mis-step...

[Sm****]

  4 minutes ago, MinnesotaMinx said:

My (free) advice - put in some minimal effort to educate yourself first before expecting other people to give you their time. Read “The New Topping Book” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy for example. Watch videos on YouTube by Evie Lupine or Kink Academy. Hell, sign up for one of the classes offered on this platform. Go to a munch and talk to humans in real life. Listen to podcasts like “Conversations with a Dom”.

As for pleasuring your partner, ask them. Try things and pay attention to the way they respond. No one else can tell you what they want or like, regardless of shared anatomy.

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Bookmarking these!

[Th****]

  6 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Apologies for not being a woman so I'm sure my input must be void, but I'd say assuming a offering advice based on ten years of fetish experience means somebody has given you a green light to ask them how they like to pleased is a mis-step...

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I'm a woman and I endorse this message. 😉

[Mi****]

  3 minutes ago, ThaliaVirago said:

I'm a woman and I endorse this message. 😉

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As do I

[Du****]

It’s what the forums are for. That’s one of the most useful features about this site: check the forums for questions similar to yours, read the comments, join the discussion. Everyone taking part is there because they’re curious or because they’re happy to share their expertise. You’ll learn and you’ll likely make new connections too - wins all round! The great advice you’ve had here, from many contributors, is proof that it works.

Absolutely don’t, however, slide into anyone’s DMs just to ask them for advice. It’s an imposition, and it’s unasked for: by doing so, you’re immediately making demands on an individual’s time that they may not be inclined to fulfill. Save yourself a potentially negative experience (or find another reason to start a conversation, one that’s more welcome)!

[f1****]

Interestingly, for the sake of the argument, I used Google to search for “what does BDSM stand for “and the results that I was met with immediately gave me the answer in three different ways. At the very top, google itself had an inbuilt definition. It also linked to various images the first three of which were an infographics explaining exactly the answer, lastly literally, every search result on the first page, gave an answer within the text of the linked article

[Th****]

  27 minutes ago, Smore_Cracker said:

Responding to the initial post, ignoring my qualms with some of the replies:

This is the catch-22 of becoming a Dom/me. We’re expected to “know” it all, but we’re just starting out. And moreover, I think that expectation to “know” it already is reasonable—we’re the ones responsible for leading and managing the space, and most subs want to entrust that responsibility (and effort) to their Dom/me.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for help from a woman, but there’s a low probability she has the patience and personality type to teach you. Keep that in mind. That is normal. Most women want their partners to “get it” intuitively. This is a fact, not a complaint.

This is an imperfect metaphor, but to answer the question “why is it so hard […] from a woman?” would you ask a fish how to catch it? It’s easier to talk to fellow experienced fishermen, take their advice, keep what sticks (test it yourself, of course, carefully and using your intuition). And each woman will have drastically different likes and dislikes.

Several people here have offered their minds for those who seek help. I commend them. Talk to people who are happy to help you, don’t bother the people who see it as “entitlement” or “taking”—after all, if you become a good Dom, you’ll possibly help in teaching others as well, passing along the baton of learning.

I got my first “baby’s intro to bdsm” via the KillYourInnerLoser website’s bdsm articles and podcasts, which are barely a scratch on the surface but helped me get definitions and get curious. (And yes, some of those podcasts and articles are written in part by a woman!)

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Nobody expects anyone to "know it all". In fact many knowledgeable and experienced kinksters will actually say that anyone claiming to is waiving at least a yellow or orange flag. Beware of anyone claiming they have nothing to learn. 

 

But yes, many of us also prefer to see that someone has put forth some level of effort towards educating themselves on the bare minimum basics. If they don't know where to begin then they can be honest and just say so, lots of us will offer resources, go off and check them out then return for discussion. 

 

In addition to Evie Lupine's youtube channel I also like Morgan Thorne and Loving BDSM. For podcasts there's Loving BDSM. Morgan and Loving BDSM also have websites with educational materials. Resources for classes and webinars are Wicked Grounds and The Eulenspiegel Society (TES). A friend of mine is an educator and general genius nerd person that I adore and they've put together an enormous index of resources on Fetlife in a group format. I'll have to go double check the group name for search purposes but it's something like index of resource indexes or some such. There's also a group for online class listings. 

* Index of Fetlife Writings, Educational Information, and Index Writings

*Kink classes available to ALL, online, forever! 

Edited November 27, 2023 by ThaliaVirago
To add group names

[ey****]

at the very simplest, we've long since left school and the only person responsible for our learning is ourselves.   And a lot can be daunting. It really can. 

And luckily... there is a lot of info out there.

Yes, google.  Blogs, podcasts, videos, so on.  And yes, some information is more reliable than others so it's why it's good to look at a range of stuff, at your own pace, in your own time.

If you are wanting someone else's time, then most people will want to see some form of effort and will only be able to give you any support on their time.  It's also why the forums are good because the people who reply are people who are available and happy to help on a community level.  Without micromanging or handholding

And that also, on an open forum, we can be challenged.  And you can get different viewpoints.

Likewise, again, if you attend a munch you're in a social setting where others have already committed a few hours out the house. 

But, you know. If you want to learn about BDSM - a lot of the basics are googleable and you can take things from there.   And if you are talking from basics, then asking strangers sexual questions is rarely appropriate and hardly first steps into the world of kink.  

But nobody owes you their time for your learning.  If you make friends, then sometimes friends might help.  If you pay someone then they might give you their time.  But asking strangers is.... well... emotional labour

[Th****]

  4 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Yes, google.  Blogs, podcasts, videos, so on.  And yes, some information is more reliable than others so it's why it's good to look at a range of stuff, at your own pace, in your own time.

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This is important. Where one sources their information and knowledge matters. Don't just pick sources at random, research them a bit, check reviews if available and always cross check information between several different resources to see that they're generally saying the same things. If taking a class check into the person and/or organization offering the class.  

[Submarkg]

  19 hours ago, Harryslamers said:

Why is it so hard for a man to get help learning about kink/fetish/BDSM from a woman? I'm new here and want someone to show/teach me about this lifestyle. All I want is someone to take time and be there to answer my questions for me. I recently have been told that I could find my answers on Google. It makes all the difference in the world to me when a woman takes the time to actually teach me by answering my questions, no matter how "Stupid" they are.

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Hmm maybe your plea for help might be heard if you did not use the “stupid” word to describe the woman that you would be prepared to allow to  teach you …The level of condescenion in that single word in your final sentence possibly alienates you from most in the opposite sex …well maybe that is the basis of your problem …too much dismissive  mysoginy perhaps ..

[Du****]

  2 minutes ago, Submarkg said:

Hmm maybe your plea for help might be heard if you did not use the “stupid” word to describe the woman that you would be prepared to allow to  teach you …The level of condescenion in that single word in your final sentence possibly alienates you from most in the opposite sex …well maybe that is the basis of your problem …too much dismissive  mysoginy perhaps ..

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Um, Harry means he worries his questions might sound stupid, he’s not referring to the people who answer them in any way whatsoever.

That did make me giggle a bit though 🤭

[Ye****]

Cruel intentions Duchess i love it