Need Advice- Here's my Story

[BooplesnootGrl]

So honestly I came here looking for advice. I have a major conundrum. I have been with the same woman for nearly 8 years (this is NOT a "well I am having second thoughts" post)... We started our relationship as somewhat switch. We both wore collars, however I somehow stupidly agreed to be the dominant.... call it stars struck that my transgender ass found a person to be with (there is some more detail in that but I will not bore you with that stuff)- I guess we were more switch than I knew

ANYWAY! We have been together 8 years. AND WE GOT MARRIED! I am indeed happy with that decision, I love her more than ever. I could not imagine myself being with someone else.
So my conundrum is that for at least 6 years solid I have been the dominant, things have evened out and we are UNFORTUNATELY not practicing anymore (not that I do not want to- no that SHE does not want to). We both crave BDSM, but I... feel I am more the submissive than she is. It has been a slow decline... it is why I feel I fell short as a dominant. I felt more like the submissive.

She has a dominating presence, but at the same time, she has always been the submissive.

I need advice on HOW TO tell her that I am indeed the one who wants to be the submissive... I have always been... envious (dont even really want to use that word but its how I feel) I have always been envious of her wearing the collar. I know in my heart of hearts that I am a submissive, and I do NOT want our relationship to end with me telling her that...

So I ask, does anyone have any advice?

[Deleted Member]

Humm since u both started as switches, maybe try suggesting if to spice up your lives, you should change rolls to remind one another what it felt like to be a switch and relive the BDSM you both crave perhaps? Don’t demand. Simply bring it up in casual conversation one day and take it from there. Hope u find that spark that has faded out.

[Al****]

I’m transparent with myself and my experience shows me no matter how much I don’t want to talk with the person that I’m intimate with if I don’t speak with them I won’t really know how they are feeling and I could be having all these pre conceived beliefs that aren’t true and they have no idea what I’m honestly feeling so it’s my own experience that I don’t have to talk with them but I can’t be bothered with my own feelings if I’m not honest with them. I hope this helps you and think about what’s best for both of you and I don’t have all the answers I go with my own experiences. Be safe out there and be true to yourself 😊

[Am****]

Not much advice but if she love you she try and understand. Ever thought of being a third woman or man into the picture that can be the dominant for both of you. That way you both can watch each other being dominated and you get to be the submissive one like you always wanted. Just a suggestion from the fly on the wall.

[Deleted Member]

  27 minutes ago, Aman94 said:

Not much advice but if she love you she try and understand. Ever thought of being a third woman or man into the picture that can be the dominant for both of you. That way you both can watch each other being dominated and you get to be the submissive one like you always wanted. Just a suggestion from the fly on the wall.

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I also agree. Great idea. Looks like a win-win situation.

[Riverfire5]

Suggest her to take turns, as you find the idea exciting to be a switch.

[ol****]

Well talking - honest talking is a good start. Perhaps it's no more than re-setting boundaries. If you both started out switching then maybe that's the place to go back to. Maybe her dominance is a message to you?

[DarkArts1066]

The short, and potentially easy answer to this is to bring in a third party - to Dominate you both…. BUT -that brings with it its own set of potential issues.

You could try sitting your partner down and reminding her where you both started - as switches, and that, for whatever reasons, you have fallen into the Dominant role regularly…. And that isn’t who you feel you are - on a permanent basis.

Ask them if they would be willing to explore their own more Dominant traits… and give you the opportunity to sub to them, and see how that works ?

Sometimes, peoples’ roles do change. It does happen. If they are willing, you have a way forward - initially.
If they aren’t willing, then you could suggest bringing in a third party at that point ?

I wish you good luck, and hope you can resolve your situation satisfactorily for both of you.

[A_****]

Remember that your needs are valid. If you don’t speak up for them then you’re invalidating them.
Never be afraid to talk transparently with your partner, and don’t be afraid of your needs. You obviously trust this person, so put trust in that they will listen to you and handle the information as an adult.
Don’t demand anything, but come into it with “I” statements, such as “I need to be submissive sometimes” rather than “you should Dom me”. “I need”, “I feel”, etc. without saying anything involving “you” in it. That way it’s just a conversation sharing information, and nothing that they can take as a failure on their part, so they don’t get defensive.

[Do****]

  22 minutes ago, A_Brit_Kinky said:

Remember that your needs are valid. If you don’t speak up for them then you’re invalidating them.
Never be afraid to talk transparently with your partner, and don’t be afraid of your needs. You obviously trust this person, so put trust in that they will listen to you and handle the information as an adult.
Don’t demand anything, but come into it with “I” statements, such as “I need to be submissive sometimes” rather than “you should Dom me”. “I need”, “I feel”, etc. without saying anything involving “you” in it. That way it’s just a conversation sharing information, and nothing that they can take as a failure on their part, so they don’t get defensive.

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While a small "i" is self expressive and "You" can be mistaken for finger pointing. I would also try "we " as in "we could try" promoting inclusivity and sharing.

[Kirri]

Your needs are valid too. Relationships need to evolve and adapt or they won't succeed. You need to sit down and talk to them. Even if there is no solution. So they are aware of how you feel. Or the envy may turn to resentment.