Deleted Member Posted January 16 Posted January 16 When it comes to vetting for a potential Dom or sub, how long should a vetting process be in terms of a LTR? Should it be a specific time frame or when it feels right?
St**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 02 trust and submission are earned. Then freely givin. Only when you truly trust can you truly love.
Re**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 Good question, I bet them as long as possible, ppl want to live a certain life style but are to afraid to admit it. Or they want to waste your time by asking serious of questions and they already know the answer
Lu**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 Definitely when it feels right. There's not a specific time frame. Some you may connect with quickly, some night not ever click at all, and that's okay. Just because someone is a Dom doesn't mean they are a Dom for you.
Deleted Member Posted January 17 Author Posted January 17 Personally, I wouldn’t jump into anything. If there is a connection, the person should be consistent in their attempts to spend time getting to know you. Radio silence is a turn-off and usually means they have lost interest anyways. That’s why I don’t meet people in person fast.
Sh**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 I will echo the sentiment here, it’s probably a case of when it feels right. It’s the right time. It’s very important, not to rush into things, especially on wine, where the unfortunate truth is some people are going to use the D/s dynamic to try scamming folks. Just talk and get to know them. Don feel like you have to dive headfirst into a dynamic, just because someone has started a conversation. 
D-**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 LTR - as long as it takes FWB - until you feel comfortable with each other NSA - immediately or ASAP
mo**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 I think it's really important to keep communication open and transparent. I recently had a sub that was shy about what she was capable of. The relationship didn't end bad, we're still friends but I was too intense and I wasn't even being that intense. I didn't recognize that she was trying to please me and pushing her limits. The communication really needs to be open and honest and if one person is less experienced take more time. I think open honest communication is one of the big benefits of BDSM. You get to vet the fantasies and turn one and do it safely. I think it's less about time and more about trust and communication, which of course sometimes takes time.
CheekiCheshire Posted January 17 Posted January 17 I won't consider it anything less than 3 months....no matter how I feel. I might make a temporary agreement after that... But I am generally thinking 6-12 months
Deleted Member Posted January 17 Author Posted January 17 As long as you need too, never compromise what you need for you while also staying compassionate, empathetic, good and polite to those around you.
ge**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 There's no specific timeframe - more when people feel comfortable to take that step - I've had situations where we've met almost straight away and ones where we've taken a little longer and in both cases I've had great experiences - equally I've had similar in both scenarios that haven't worked out. . Essentially you can only truly know if someone/something is right in person but that doesn't mean you should rush into it necessarily.
Sl**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 I would be careful and cautious, remember a that if someone is willing to drop out early than they probably wasting your time
Ki**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 Purely personal for me I do not have a maximum length, agreed you wait til you feel comfortable. Tho I do have a minimum time frame, to explore and get to know eachother likes, triggers and so on.
Ky**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 When it feels right both for ltr and casual play Of course that's still no guarantee I was talked to someone who claimed to be a D for 7 years and even had a public meeting before he got angry and revealed he wasn't a Master or a sissy trainer, he was a trsnsphobe who hated trans people and just wanted to hurt us because we were pervert fantasists So be careful, take as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable, particularly watch out for ppl who ignore your limits in conversation, they are more likekly ***rs
bl**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 I don’t think you can apply a rule in terms of length of time - different people communicate in different ways and the amount of time it takes to get to know someone will vary. In addition to this Doms and subs will usually have some sort of baggage which makes them cautious - this may mean they feel suspicious of new people and it takes longer to trust, or may take a while opening up. You have to go by how it feels really and listen to your instincts and what feels comfortable for both parties
kimutu72 Posted January 17 Posted January 17 I personally dnt think there is a time frame, get to know someone by messaging if you are both looking for the same thing, have the same kinks, understand each others limits and it feels right then arrange a meet, my first meet I prefer to meet for a coffee in a public place then see how it feels after that. Ive spoke to guys for a few weeks before to make sure we are on the same page before anything has happened. Go with your gutt feeling, if your still not sure then keep messaging until you do feel comfitable. Good luck
Da**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 Since it should be about connection, honesty, openness, trust there is no timeline. When you feel comfortable that the person has earned your submission, and you’re connected then I’d have the discussions that need to be had and then turn yourself over. You should feel safe and comfortable… But no one can tell you what that looks or feels Like except you
Rainydaye88 Posted January 17 Posted January 17 Following. I only have experience vetting new people to be potential play partners, but I would like to hear others' experience with making the leap from play partner to ltr. Hopefully, it will be from an FLR perspective, but I am open to hearing out others.
Deleted Member Posted January 17 Author Posted January 17 When it feels right is really the key here. But what feels right for each of us can vary greatly, and in some cases can also be determined by a specific vetting timeframe. I would argue that the vetting is never really complete, even once you decide that you want to engage in a D/s dynamic with someone. It’s important to keep checking in with yourself and your partner, keep asking the uncomfortable questions, even when things are good. Or maybe especially then. We are dynamic beings and are constantly changing, so our needs and boundaries are constantly changing too. Trust yourself, do the inner work, and communicate constantly.
co**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 It’s all up to what you are comfortable with.. I’m learning after chatting to make sure and talk on the phone and video chat so you can actually see the person.. and yes meeting in public. Dinner or coffee or something..
pe**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 I take many months to vet a Dom. I find after 3 months the infatuation wears off and you begin to see their true character. Especially impatience. I refuse to meet in person in that 3 month period because of infatuation. Many are good at lying and hiding who they are. Take your time. Time and patience is your friend. This person ultimately has your life in their hands. For that reason alone you should not rush the vetting process. Me personally, I take more than 3 months before I will me a possible interest in person. I did not meet my last dominant in person until 6 months in. Video chat was done after a few months. No physical touching happened until almost 10 months into our relationship. The dynamic moved forward a few weeks after that. Any interest should not push you on this and should want you to feel comfortable and secure in the vetting process. Hope this helps.
Deleted Member Posted January 19 Author Posted January 19 I find many I chat to here are desperate to meet. Wayyyy too desperate, and it can be off-putting. Don't let anyone pressure you. You will know when the time is right! Trust your gut 🥰
Ro**** Posted January 20 Posted January 20 For everyone, the amount of time differs. What's important is that YOU feel comfortable with them. Maybe this is just me, but I like meeting in person as soon as possible as I need a read on basic personality vibes. Their body language and suble responses will tell me if their actions match their words. I also make it clear that there are to be no expectations beyond just meeting and talking. I don't like to waste weeks or months talking to a person, only to not have it pan out.
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