Conflicting Vanilla and Kinky Personas

[Ja****]

I try to always be respectful of others (which hasn’t worked out very well in my vanilla life btw haha). I’m generally a chill, laid-back person and wonder if that’s an issue or comes off like being a “fake dom.”

The thing is, I don’t think or see myself as a “dom” until someone agrees to be a “sub” and feel it’s disrespectful to immediately approach someone with that type of energy. I like to keep the “dark” side of my personality limit to times when it to come out to play in a controlled way so to speak. I would like any dynamic, kink or not, to build confidence in the other person and be a positive experience for both of us.

Thoughts?

[Deleted Member]

Well, I’m seeking this and it’s hard to find. So embrace it. I love the juxtaposition of the two. It makes the sexual experience much more erotic.
A dom side can show in your vanilla life through confidence or as I like to call it , quiet leadership. A fake dom is one who is bossy and demanding without understanding the true context of a dynamic. (Again, my opinion).

[yo****]

Sounds to me like you have the perfect balance! Everyone is different including Doms, continue to do it your own way in which you feel comfortable!

[Ba****]

Everyone is a critic. As long as you are authentically presenting yourself let the opinions be their problem. Be true to yourself. I’m timid in conversations because I lack confidence in word recall. I am confident in my abilities in the bedroom as a pleasure dom and switch. Best advice is to be flexible with potential partners. If you see loss of interest, challenge yourself to try something new while being respectful. Example I just went out to a Dive/gay bar by myself. Exposer therapy type of thing. I became comfortable alone and next time I will go chat with someone by themselves to practice my conversation skills. Also building confidence in myself. I hope this was helpful. Good luck ✌️

[wh****]

This has been my experience as well. I don’t want to “control” my sub non-sexually unless it’s in a playful teasing, building, sexy or playful way. Fun, sex, silly rules and tasks. Or they need help doing something. It does seem like most subs I’ve talked to are looking for a TPE 24/7 dynamic. I like my subs to have their own lives, friends, thoughts, opinions and expressions independent of me. But definitely don’t listen to others calling you a fake dom. You know yourself and many doms want to put other doms down because it makes them feel better.

[Da****]

My advice is to just be who you are, always. The more “roles” we try and play the more we lose ourselves. Being a daddy dominant is who I am, it’s a part of me. And while you’re right in not walking into things being demanding but I find when I am just being me it exhudes “daddy”. So I’ve found in being who I am, what you call the “dark side” seeps out, but is not intrusive. Because I’m not playing a role, I’m just being me

[Sh****]

Sounds like you’ve got the right idea. Honestly, stay true to yourself that’s the only way to live in my opinion. 

[KG****]

I wish that I could say the “fake dom” label will stop, but there will always be people who see respect and kindness as weakness. They are wrong, and it’s not worth the energy to try and prove them wrong. Continue being you; continue being confident in your respect and kindness. Those traits are irreplaceable.

[go****]

For me whether showing your Dom side or not, I find there is a demeanor that a Dom has.
There’s this confidence he exudes, that he can be a leader without having to say anything. If I don’t feel this within that first date/meeting I bc don’t think I will. Most real Doms aren’t bossy and demanding first meeting, but there are other ways that Dominance comes through. Ultimately if I’m meeting someone we most likely have talked about some non-vanilla things and need to feel that dominance. So there is a fine line, but wether kink or vanilla that demeanor doesn’t change

[Deleted Member]

  5 hours ago, goodgirlsobey said:

For me whether showing your Dom side or not, I find there is a demeanor that a Dom has.
There’s this confidence he exudes, that he can be a leader without having to say anything. If I don’t feel this within that first date/meeting I bc don’t think I will. Most real Doms aren’t bossy and demanding first meeting, but there are other ways that Dominance comes through. Ultimately if I’m meeting someone we most likely have talked about some non-vanilla things and need to feel that dominance. So there is a fine line, but wether kink or vanilla that demeanor doesn’t change

Expand  

I agree with goodgirlsobey, my Dom side may not be forefront in everyday life but it is absolutely there, I know and feel it and she knows and feels it, it can be turned up to max in an instant at anytime, or remain a gentle hum. It’s a good background tension which ebbs and flows in the same way as a submissive energy does. This energy flow *is* the connection between a Mistress/Master and her/his minion(s).

[Ki****]

  2 hours ago, little-boo said:

I agree with goodgirlsobey, my Dom side may not be forefront in everyday life but it is absolutely there, I know and feel it and she knows and feels it, it can be turned up to max in an instant at anytime, or remain a gentle hum. It’s a good background tension which ebbs and flows in the same way as a submissive energy does. This energy flow *is* the connection between a Mistress/Master and her/his minion(s).

Expand  

I really like this explanation. With my last dominant, I could definitely feel that energy all the time. Mostly at that low background hum level whenever we were just talking, hanging out doing normal things, or if he had me top him. But then his strong dominance would just snap in at any second. It was blissful. 
We are all normal people with different energies and personalities. I don’t think anyone is high intensity 24/7. I find the dominants that I am most attracted to are the calm quiet type. You can feel their dominance through their calm confidence. 

[lo****]

As a sub myself, I kinda find it funny that respect and kindness are getting you called a fake.

Like by who? Wanna be Dom's who think that they have to go in "guns blazing" and try to dominate a submissive they may be into without having a dynamic already?

I have quite a few friends who are subs too.

I can tell you that those I know and talk to on a regular basis would give respect and kindness a conversation no matter what, and block/ignore the second without a response, again, no matter what.

Take that life experience as you will.

[Su****]

We are all a mix of things in my opinion.. you don',t need to stay the same way... The same as we don't eat the same type of food everyday, or wear the same outfit! Our sexuality/preferences should change as human beings naturally change! Just enjoy how you feel at any point... Do what feels right and nice! 😊

[R_U_Hell_Yes]

I understand where you're coming from. I definitely wouldn't call that "fake dom." Real know one should be "dom" to a "sub" until they agree. Being a dom or have someone submissive to you takes respectful communication to negotiate. It can feel awkward in the beginning when flirting turn to D/s and a potential submissive is itching to submit but haven't yet worked out the parameters out the power exchange.

SSC/RACK should be fundamental to Dominants. I take them seriously and tell the submissive that we will have discussions about desires, limits, and consents before proceeding in earnest to build trust and comfort. This signals to the submissive that you respect their submission and boundaries while signaling your desire to be dominant over them after negotiations.

[Ca****]

I'm literally minutes in to this app and I see this post. I'm immediately drawn to you. If I'm reading this correctly you're close to me too. I have no idea what I'm doing on this app but I feel a connection immediately. What you wrote spoke to me. I'm very assertive in my life but I would really love a respectful Dom. I would love to grow and find a connection with someone who could understand the balance I seek. I have this feeling you and I could really connect...

[Kn****]

I often find myself in the same boat, I'm a decent and respectful person but have no issues with bringing out the other side when necessary but I'm not one to DM something crude and disrespectful so I feel like I'm often categorized as a fake. What's the middle ground we seek? It's claimed they dont respond well to disrespect but respect gets us no further than a greeting. My apologies for my rant if it doesn't make sense

[Do****]

I understand what you mean. I am an extremely mellow person until...I'm not. But I also think I lean more towards a caring dom in general. I'm also pretty new to exploring this side of myself, and I'm currently testing the waters with my first potential sub. It def requires open and clear communication to make this work. I want my sub to have full trust in me. Gl to you!

[Deleted Member]

Women on these apps contradict each other all the time. Be you. If it's not enough or too much then move on.

[pl****]

I had the delightful pleasure of talking with someone for weeks on great in-depth topics. Tells me he's a Dom, told him I was intrigued. He was a delight out of the bedroom mostly but boy.... he just hid behind the 'dom' status to be a disrespectful pig.

Be yourself. Seek consent especially till you're really familiar with each other.

[Mu****]

I don’t think it’s being a fake dom. I like the split personas. I like the normalcy of a kind chill laid back man, and then my sexual dom to slap me after he cums on my face. I would never ever allow or tolerate that outside of a sexual experience. I think it really just depends on who you are experiencing what with.

[Ja****]

What everyone’s saying makes sense. The irony is that I’ve sensed it more with potential subs I’ve encountered. Almost like if I don’t just start barking commands immediately, I’m not dommy enough lol.

[Deleted Member]

Nah I’m with ya. I don’t like bossing people around until they get to know me and my intentions.

I’ve had convos with Doms, I’ve actually asked to be trained a slave or sub, and they go right into the nitty gritty with no conversation about limits etc stuff like that. It would actually be harmful to my mental health to just start taking commands from a STRANGER. It makes no sense. I agree with you

[ro****]

I completely agree. In my personal life I am a psychologist and I deal with everything including sex and sexual relationships and it is shocking how many times I have to go over safety and boundaries before a dom relationship is started and when to say no and have a safe word.

[Ca****]

As a sub, that's the most respectful way to approach a relationship. Much appreciated.

[le****]

I think I am similar to you. I am a very laid back person until someone wants to be dominated and then I am a different person lol