MikkoLindstrom Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 Hi! im new on here, and there's this one thing kind of bothering me. My boyfriend bores the shit out of me in bed, he's pretty much all vanilla, no tying up, no dominating etc. I don't want to *** him into something he isn't into, but everytime i ask him to either *** me or just be dominant he says that he is either scared or that im asking him to be something he isnt. Is there any kind of way to maybe ease him into it without scaring him away? Or at least get him to try it? So far i have managed to get him to tie me up once, and i think he's into choking but he also has such a neutral opinion on everything that i can't even tell what he actually really likes. Any help for anything i've written in here?
ey**** Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 I think the truth told he isn't into it. If this was a reverse scenario with a male poster saying his girlfriend wouldn't try things with him we'd (rightfully) be suggesting he is coercing and she just isn't interested. and as well, if he does something he isn't into you won't get the desired results.
Short_Gothic_Elf Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Does he have much experience or knowledge of kink? He might feel he's walking into the unknown? Maybe suggest you both go to a fetish club in your area together & you both might find things you'll both enjoy. X x
Nickrs45 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Tell him what you really want your fantasies your desires tell him how much it turns you on
Ajay-247 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Sure there’s plenty of good guys to assist with pleasuring this frustration x
Deleted Member Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 First you need to understand the problem. Ask him why he seems so afraid. He might not have an answer beyond "it is scary", but if there is a specific reason then it will help to know what it is. Then you need to do some research WITH him. Do it together. Show him what you enjoy, and give him the knowledge to understand we much as he can. Once you are both on the same wave length, you can start with something as simple as him tying your wrists together. No sex, just the simplest bondage. See how he feels, maybe ask him to kiss you, and work your way up from there.
BigPolly Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Someone posted something along these lines the other day & asked where did he go from here & my answer was ......simply respect that your partner doesn’t share the same kinks as you. He’s made it clear ‘You’re asking him to be something he isn’t’ so the first place to start is via communication, expressing your desires & asking him if he has any kinks. If the answer is No then ‘No means No’
MikkoLindstrom Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 10 hours ago, Short_Gothic_Elf said: Does he have much experience or knowledge of kink? He might feel he's walking into the unknown? Maybe suggest you both go to a fetish club in your area together & you both might find things you'll both enjoy. X x As far as i know he pretty much has 0 experience with anything bdsm-related, i have tried showing him things but he doesnt really have an opinion of anything sadly
MikkoLindstrom Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 1 hour ago, BigPolly said: Someone posted something along these lines the other day & asked where did he go from here & my answer was ......simply respect that your partner doesn’t share the same kinks as you. He’s made it clear ‘You’re asking him to be something he isn’t’ so the first place to start is via communication, expressing your desires & asking him if he has any kinks. If the answer is No then ‘No means No’ I'm definetly not gonna *** him into it, if he says he doesnt wanna do something i wont try to make him do it anyway, but everything we do now is all the same. And since this is my first relationship i dont really know how to handle this either
MikkoLindstrom Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 2 hours ago, DanteReign said: First you need to understand the problem. Ask him why he seems so afraid. He might not have an answer beyond "it is scary", but if there is a specific reason then it will help to know what it is. Then you need to do some research WITH him. Do it together. Show him what you enjoy, and give him the knowledge to understand we much as he can. Once you are both on the same wave length, you can start with something as simple as him tying your wrists together. No sex, just the simplest bondage. See how he feels, maybe ask him to kiss you, and work your way up from there. I did ask for the reason why he's scared and he said that he doesn't want to hurt me, and he has never tried anything besides vanilla before. And i did look some things up with him but he has a super neutral opinion of pretty much everything in life
Deleted Member Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 I definitely recommend getting him to tie your wrists. This simple act will show him that he can dominate you without hurting you, and can act as a base for building up his confidence. I would even offer to talk to him myself, but I cannot message you
Ma**** Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 well the only thing I can say is easy does it, ask about different things , ask if he might like something, but again if he says no still don't push him about it, that might scare him away completely,
BigPolly Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 It does kind of sound like you’re just not matched in the bedroom. Maybe he doesn’t want to Dominate as he’d also like to be Dominated?! How would he feel if you had a Dom of your own that you could play part time with that wasn’t connected to your relationship if you didn’t want to split up? You do have to think of your own needs & sadly sometimes that means you’re not with the right person
Deleted Member Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Hey, I'm new here too lol. My husband is the same. What I do is I guide his hand when I want to be ***d. Everything else will take time. N I've learnt men are not mind readers , so discuss ur likes and fantasies with him too. Be honest. Or else it will build up n cause distance.
Vandalslut Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Hi, Mikko and Maeve, and welcome: All the advice offered here is very good. I have a question: did your BF have a very strict religious upbringing? Sometimes this can be a real stumbling block to a BDSM relationship as some fundamental religions regard anything other than vanilla to be 'sinful' or 'perverted'. And since this is your first relationship, maybe what you're suggesting is a bit too 'full on' for him or perhaps it's a bit too early in the relationship to bring it up. And is this his first relationship? On re-reading your post, I find the 'doesn't want to hurt you' answer sounding as if that's not the real problem he has with this. I think Dante has a good idea - ask him to start simply with tying your wrists and see how you both feel. Good luck - and by the way, you have good manners! You've been replying to people who've given their time, and not everyone on this forum does that.
MikkoLindstrom Posted October 16, 2019 Author Posted October 16, 2019 On 10/15/2019 at 5:09 PM, BigPolly said: It does kind of sound like you’re just not matched in the bedroom. Maybe he doesn’t want to Dominate as he’d also like to be Dominated?! How would he feel if you had a Dom of your own that you could play part time with that wasn’t connected to your relationship if you didn’t want to split up? You do have to think of your own needs & sadly sometimes that means you’re not with the right person I brought it up before, but he does not plan on sharing me at all. He's kind of the jealous type as well
MikkoLindstrom Posted October 16, 2019 Author Posted October 16, 2019 On 10/15/2019 at 11:49 PM, Vandalslut said: Hi, Mikko and Maeve, and welcome: All the advice offered here is very good. I have a question: did your BF have a very strict religious upbringing? Sometimes this can be a real stumbling block to a BDSM relationship as some fundamental religions regard anything other than vanilla to be 'sinful' or 'perverted'. And since this is your first relationship, maybe what you're suggesting is a bit too 'full on' for him or perhaps it's a bit too early in the relationship to bring it up. And is this his first relationship? On re-reading your post, I find the 'doesn't want to hurt you' answer sounding as if that's not the real problem he has with this. I think Dante has a good idea - ask him to start simply with tying your wrists and see how you both feel. Good luck - and by the way, you have good manners! You've been replying to people who've given their time, and not everyone on this forum does that. He was not raised religious, kind of the opposite. His dad was a marine and if someone was mean to him his dad just told him to beat them up, so he did that. And it is my first relationship, he has had multiple already. And we've been together for about 8 months now, but i started telling him about my interest in this kind of stuff after he asked why i looked so bored during sex. And yeah, i am gonna take smaller steps now so he doesnt feel cornered in anyway. And thanks! Whenever i ask for help somewhere and people legitimately try to help me i always think its the nice thing to do to at least respond d:
Vandalslut Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Thanks, Mikko. Well, religion isn't the problem - with his Marine Dad upbringing and the problem-solving methods he's learnt from that, he may have the idea that the solutions to problems are just that simple. It's about all I can think of and taking smaller steps is a very good plan. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Deleted Member Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Some people are into it and some not. It’s simple as that. Now if you carry on asking him you might put your relationship into a different motion and arguments will start to flow.
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