Am I at fault here? (Advice needed)

[Deleted Member]

Scenario: my little and girlfriend loses her temper with me constantly. Multiple times now, daily. Yelling and screaming on the phone. I'd like to see some outside perspectives to honestly see if these are my fault as a Daddy or not, or if I just have a sub with anger issues? I'll be as honest and verbatim as memory allows me, please be fully and completely honest with me as well.

Example:
She tags me on Facebook. It's a song, I react to it and comment that "I love it baby!" and she replies that I'm handsome, to which I heart react the comment ❤
She gets upset about that over text. She texts me saying why didn't I reply back, and I said "to me, heart reacts are a reply and an acknowledgement of love. I've always done that for years on every social media."
She was not happy about that and got what I perceived to be angry over text, saying "I would really appreciate it if you took the time to appreciate my gestures of affection for you."
Wait what? Did I not? I did in my own way and I explained it right? Am I in the wrong on that one?

Example 2:
Something bad happened to me in my normal life. She comforted me, and when she said I'm always here for you" I texted "thank you." She said wow, to which I said what's wrong baby?
She said to me something along the lines of "Really? You're just going to say thank you? That's it?"
I keep saying I appreciate you but she said I didn't fully return the effort she gave to me and got really upset for a while. She seems to have this expectation of a perfectly mirrored love language. She is extremely verbal, I'm more action and affectionate based. She gets really REALLY mad when she gives well said verbal gestures to me and I return them in my own words and authentic ways. Usually a thank you baby 🥰 kind of text. I've been having to fully write out sentences that repeat what she said because this keeps happening... I figured that's what she needs so if I'm not used to it, I would adapt and do it anyways for my baby's sake.

Example 3:
On the phone, I'm doing the usual and much beloved by us both, Daddy and little talk. She loves and is comforted by me praising her, and I love it too. I really like doing this and I want to do it forevers 💞
Things take an ugly turn when during our conversation we go into sensitivity and I explain yeah, your daddy is an HSP, highly sensitive person, and I start to give some examples of how it works.
Now this is where I made a mistake.
I used one of our fights as the example(ouch, idiot me).
I said that's why those few times you were yelling at me over the phone and were very angry at what I did, that's why Daddy froze up for a few moments before I replied. It can be a lot to process and my high sensitivity from the intense emptions can kick in strong for a moment or two.
Well, this is where she says "wow, so you decide to use that and make that all about you huh? You take something that YOU did, causing me to react that way, and you now tell me the reaction from me that you caused paralyzes you? Tell me how that makes sense. You are so incredibly selfish, wow." (Almost exactly like that, that's not perfectly verbatim)
I'll admit and be honest, that was a shitty example to use. Which I said yeah, that was a bad example and I apologized on the phone. However, that reply from her felt very condescending and toxic, and its concerning me a lot... Is that how littles talk when Daddy's fail them or make mistakes? What do I make of that in this relationship?

These are some small examples of small and big fights that started with my little sub, and I'm very confused and frankly annoyed at how often they keep happening. Some of these which I won't share here that were 100% honestly my fault, like miscommunications, led to her completely and utterly losing it on me over the phone or text for long ammounts of time as I tried to damage control and actually had to stop everything I was doing to help mediate the situation.

I just need to ask, for all who are here, what are your thoughts on this? Am I at fault on these? I know I'm an asshole, so I'd like outside perspectives to really figure out why this keeps happening.


Most of our time together over the phone is spent romancing, fantasizing, Little playing, and the likes but every now and then, out of left field, I misspeak and my baby tone shifts on me and completely loses her temper on me.

Is this my fault? Where did me as a newer Daddy Dom screw up in these scenarios? Please be fully honest, thank you.

[CopperKnob]

I really hope you have her agreement to post such detailed personal interactions publicly because given her responses to the above, as you described, I can't see that going well if you haven't. I certainly wouldn't appreciate it.
.
Remove the dynamic element that's not at play here.
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It seems that you have two very different communication styles. In your examples, she's telling you that. You appear to have recognised it. Yet it's still not resolved.
.
No ones at fault or to blame, but I do feel that it's on you both to recognise and discuss what you need what you need from each other.

[Deleted Member]

Of course it’s difficult to respond to these types of questions with only one side of the story but honestly this is concerning to me based on the information given. I will caveat this with pointing out that I’m new to kink and I don’t know anything about the D/L dynamic.

It seems to me you’ve tried to explain that you are a HSP and that you have different communication styles but you are the one being expected to change rather than compromise being sought.

Furthermore, being yelled and screamed at is not OK, ever. Not once, not multiple times. Obviously if that’s your kink or it’s part of role play then that’s different but I don’t think that’s what you’re saying here.

You say you’ve used “bad examples” when reflecting your feelings to her but why do you feel you are not allowed to share your true feelings as long as you are doing so in a calm way?

You also mention that you have begun to change your behaviour, at great effort (typing out long texts etc) in order to try and avoid doing the “wrong” thing.

Honestly there is just so much wrong about this situation and I would put the brakes on hard. Would she consider therapy? I’m assuming these reactions are genuine and not done for sexual gratification on her behalf? If the former then there must be a hella deep wound that triggers her that she may not even be aware of. You could try encouraging her to look into her attachment style if she’s open but it doesn’t sound like she would be.

You need to find a way to talk calmly about what you each need and maybe therapy is the best way to achieve that but I would not allow the situation to continue unchecked like this.

Why? Because this kind of mind fuckery is damaging often beyond repair. It is the worst kind of ***. Everyone loves to throw around terms like gas lighting and narcissism these days but you look them up and make your own decisions. Just be very careful, constantly being told you are not good enough, not doing things right and just not enough in all ways will do some damage for sure.

As for your girlfriend, there could be all manner of things going on from abandonment wounding to borderline personality disorder, hormonal imbalance or any number of other things but if she won’t talk calmly to you there’s little you can do. I would encourage you to seek mediation and above all keep yourself safe and treat her with compassion.

[Je****]

No no no no no. 

Run. 

 

This is not ok. 

No matter what you do or say she's picking a fight being aggressive and making you doubt yourself. Calling you selfish, for using an example of when she was last shouting at you, to explain how you feel to be attacked for it.

No. You have every right to explain your actions, freezing, when she did a thing that you didn't know how to respond. 

 

Her behaviour is not ok. I'd be running fast. 

 

And I don't agree with comments saying or asking for her permission... to put her responses. 

This is a safe place and this man has asked for advice and gave context to why he's needed it. It's his right and if I felt this way due to the behaviour described like hell would I ask permission to see if this is normal for a dynamic. 

Yeh he'd get yelled at and another argument. Which means he will no longer feel he can't reach for help or advice?

Nah. If this was a womans post people be telling her this is abusive and to get out. 

 

 

You need to weigh up if the dynamic and her reactions/behaviour is what you want and can manage. 

If you're having to change yourself, watch what you say and *** her not being happy with your communication,  or Yelling constantly, walking on eggshells etc,  then think it's best you run.

I would be. 

[Shilo66]

What @centralpark has said to you is good information and advice.  The only thing I could really add to it, is that both of you should seriously consider attending couples therapy / counselling.  

In the UK, we have an organisation called 'Relate' which deals with couples therapy, I know there is an American version but I'm not sure if it is also called 'Relate', too.  

It's good that you came here to the forum to ask for some advice about what to do, rather than just bottle things up inside yourself and making your mental health worse.

What you've described about your relationship, does not look in any way healthy, regardless of the fact that it's a kink one. If it was Vanilla, it would look just as alarming. So in my opinion, if she refuses to attend a couple's counselling session with you, then I think you should seriously consider moving on. Because, from what you've described, if true and correct, indicates that she does not see anything wrong in the way she is treating you and does not take any accountability for her actions. 

1 hour ago, centralpark said:

Of course it’s difficult to respond to these types of questions with only one side of the story but honestly this is concerning to me based on the information given. I will caveat this with pointing out that I’m new to kink and I don’t know anything about the D/L dynamic.

It seems to me you’ve tried to explain that you are a HSP and that you have different communication styles but you are the one being expected to change rather than compromise being sought.

Furthermore, being yelled and screamed at is not OK, ever. Not once, not multiple times. Obviously if that’s your kink or it’s part of role play then that’s different but I don’t think that’s what you’re saying here.

You say you’ve used “bad examples” when reflecting your feelings to her but why do you feel you are not allowed to share your true feelings as long as you are doing so in a calm way?

You also mention that you have begun to change your behaviour, at great effort (typing out long texts etc) in order to try and avoid doing the “wrong” thing.

Honestly there is just so much wrong about this situation and I would put the brakes on hard. Would she consider therapy? I’m assuming these reactions are genuine and not done for sexual gratification on her behalf? If the former then there must be a hella deep wound that triggers her that she may not even be aware of. You could try encouraging her to look into her attachment style if she’s open but it doesn’t sound like she would be.

You need to find a way to talk calmly about what you each need and maybe therapy is the best way to achieve that but I would not allow the situation to continue unchecked like this.

Why? Because this kind of mind fuckery is damaging often beyond repair. It is the worst kind of ***. Everyone loves to throw around terms like gas lighting and narcissism these days but you look them up and make your own decisions. Just be very careful, constantly being told you are not good enough, not doing things right and just not enough in all ways will do some damage for sure.

As for your girlfriend, there could be all manner of things going on from abandonment wounding to borderline personality disorder, hormonal imbalance or any number of other things but if she won’t talk calmly to you there’s little you can do. I would encourage you to seek mediation and above all keep yourself safe and treat her with compassion.

 

Edited March 15, 2024 by Shilo66

[Shilo66]

9 minutes ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

No no no no no. 

Run. 

 

This is not ok. 

No matter what you do or say she's picking a fight being aggressive and making you doubt yourself. Calling you selfish, for using an example of when she was last shouting at you, to explain how you feel to be attacked for it.

No. You have every right to explain your actions, freezing, when she did a thing that you didn't know how to respond. 

 

Her behaviour is not ok. I'd be running fast. 

 

And I don't agree with comments saying or asking for her permission... to put her responses. 

This is a safe place and this man has asked for advice and gave context to why he's needed it. It's his right and if I felt this way due to the behaviour described like hell would I ask permission to see if this is normal for a dynamic. 

Yeh he'd get yelled at and another argument. Which means he will no longer feel he can't reach for help or advice?

Nah. If this was a womans post people be telling her this is abusive and to get out. 

 

 

You need to weigh up if the dynamic and her reactions/behaviour is what you want and can manage. 

If you're having to change yourself, watch what you say and *** her not being happy with your communication,  or Yelling constantly, walking on eggshells etc,  then think it's best you run.

I would be. 

... Absolutely.

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

No no no no no. 

Run. 

 

This is not ok. 

No matter what you do or say she's picking a fight being aggressive and making you doubt yourself. Calling you selfish, for using an example of when she was last shouting at you, to explain how you feel to be attacked for it.

No. You have every right to explain your actions, freezing, when she did a thing that you didn't know how to respond. 

 

Her behaviour is not ok. I'd be running fast. 

 

And I don't agree with comments saying or asking for her permission... to put her responses. 

This is a safe place and this man has asked for advice and gave context to why he's needed it. It's his right and if I felt this way due to the behaviour described like hell would I ask permission to see if this is normal for a dynamic. 

Yeh he'd get yelled at and another argument. Which means he will no longer feel he can't reach for help or advice?

Nah. If this was a womans post people be telling her this is abusive and to get out. 

 

 

You need to weigh up if the dynamic and her reactions/behaviour is what you want and can manage. 

If you're having to change yourself, watch what you say and *** her not being happy with your communication,  or Yelling constantly, walking on eggshells etc,  then think it's best you run.

I would be. 

I had the same thought about what response a woman might get to this same post Jeneral

[Je****]

Just now, centralpark said:

I had the same thought about what response a woman might get to this same post Jeneral

We rarely see men ask for advice and describe alarming situations. It's usually women, but me personally,  will offer advice on the info given to men or women. And I am glad this man felt able to reach out. 

I hope he can get more advice and not feel wrong for asking for some feedback on his unsure mind, when facing these things. 

I encourage more men to do the same. 

And if you ever feel any partner,  male or female is being unfair or verbally attacking you, never ever feel you need their permission to seek help or advice. 

This could add fire to the flames either way sure but least he can have opinions to help ease his mind, or make it up 

 

Good luck to you OP.

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

We rarely see men ask for advice and describe alarming situations. It's usually women, but me personally,  will offer advice on the info given to men or women. And I am glad this man felt able to reach out. 

I hope he can get more advice and not feel wrong for asking for some feedback on his unsure mind, when facing these things. 

I encourage more men to do the same. 

And if you ever feel any partner,  male or female is being unfair or verbally attacking you, never ever feel you need their permission to seek help or advice. 

This could add fire to the flames either way sure but least he can have opinions to help ease his mind, or make it up 

 

Good luck to you OP.

I agree, we should be encouraging men to feel safe to seek help. Especially in this sort of situation, speaking from experience, psychological *** does way deeper and more lasting damage than physical. I’m not saying one is worse than the other but mind games are awful and it often takes much longer for victims to understand they are being ***d by which point a lot of damage has been done already.

[Je****]

To add... I see the potential person is amongst the profile, "in a relationship with" and if the case, may indeed see this. 

However I've also seen OP has potentially said they are autistic? Which can be hard ❤, but also partner added to status on profile 6 days ago.

If that's the case and the above information true and alarming you, it's not too late to leave, being early days. And this many instances so soon.. isn't good. 

Hopefully though, if anything, and partner sees the post they can reflect on your feelings and advice you've been given and maybe see how you feel and their behaviour and how it affects you, potentially changing for the better.

If its a massive blow up... probably best to run. 

I'd be leaving based off what you've said in the initial post regardless.

[ol****]

Well there is potentially more than a hint of narcissism  here if the OP has reported correctly.

But the problem is you get one perspective on the relationship (the OP's). It's difficult to judge without knowing both sides.

I wonder what the OP discussed on the way in by way of boundaries, mutual needs and rules?

[Je****]

1 hour ago, oldfellow said:

I wonder what the OP discussed on the way in by way of boundaries, mutual needs and rules?

We would hope so. Be interesting to know how their partner took being given boundaries and so on. 

[Deleted Member]

I have had a feeling that something is extremely wrong here, and it is quite literally impossible to tell her that it is unreasonable for her to raise her voice so much at me and so often and for so LONG when I have never raised mine at her yet, nor am I going to.

I've tried to tell her this, and all I get is explosive volcanic eruptions and nonstop "you're always making this about you" phrases and the like.

Something is seriously wrong with that, I know it deep down.

Baby I HOPE you see this post and all these replies. What you are doing to me is not ok and I hope outside perspectives can help you see that. If I make a mistake you need to stay calm and be gentle about it. Exploding on me nonstop like this is wrong and I hope these replies show you that.

I love you. We need a therapist.

[Deleted Member]

That or I just may need to run 🤦‍♂️
Ugh. I thought I found someone perfect, a love of my life.
Do I seriously have to flee from this one too?
All I ever get, is nonstop rejection, ghosting, scammers, men pretending to be women, and when I DO finally meet someone and fall in love, I discover low and behold, that that woman is taking advantage of my autism and naivety, and is either abusing me or walking all over me.

There seems to never be an in between. 🙄

I must be a horrible person because all I ever get is rejection, and the ones who do give me a chance are psychotic or something. This kind of thing must be hopeless for me or something, I'm just not built for this dating shit am I?

[ca****]

Hi YLD

How long has this relationship been going please?

Kinda comes down to the expectations and the discussions / agreements 9alignments) and of course the play out of the 'dynamic' itself.....

Edited March 15, 2024 by callipygian

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, callipygian said:

Hi YLD

How long has this relationship been going please?

Kinda comes down to the expectations and the discussions / agreements 9alignments) and of course the play out of the 'dynamic' itself.....

Hey there. About two weeks. We never met in person but we did phone calls and video calls so it was almost exactly the same. She for personal and very understandable reasons did not want to meet in person immediately and I respected that boundary.

So this was over text and phone calls and lasted about 2 weeks total

[Je****]

1 hour ago, YourLovingDaddy said:

Hey there. About two weeks. We never met in person but we did phone calls and video calls so it was almost exactly the same. She for personal and very understandable reasons did not want to meet in person immediately and I respected that boundary.

So this was over text and phone calls and lasted about 2 weeks total

It's absolutely not the same. And 2 weeks? Seriously? And these issues already?

You would be mad to continue if this behaviour you've described of her is true... and 2 weeks in. 

I'd say get out while you've not met because if this got worse and in person what will you do? 

 

Blown my mind. 

I've been with my partner off here for 3.5yr.

Hes never behaved this way with me once. Nor I with him. If he had, he'd have been gone a long time ago  

2 weeks is 🤯🤯🤯🤯

[TheRigger]

Seems you have a needy one there and you not going to meet her expectations. Would recommend reading the book "Why men don't listen and woman cat read maps 

[kree90]

I wouldn't tolerate this. There are so many red flags to me that unless otherwise stated in your agreement would cause me to run. 

As an HSP myself, I learned to really appreciate my boundaries. If you've set them and she's running over them, it's time to go. No more talking.

 

<3 I wish you luck. Remember you and your mental health matter here just as much.

[Deleted Member]

How do you keep getting into these situations? I think that she's looking for you to be aggressive to her or is trying to find a way out unfortunately. You keep being reasonable and patient but she's trying to make you be hostile. It happens sometimes. Is there any limit where you will fight back? Some women and bratty subs don't like someone who doesn't have a limit. It's unfortunate to be baited like that but some people are like that.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, HardArts said:

How do you keep getting into these situations? I think that she's looking for you to be aggressive to her or is trying to find a way out unfortunately. You keep being reasonable and patient but she's trying to make you be hostile. It happens sometimes. Is there any limit where you will fight back? Some women and bratty subs don't like someone who doesn't have a limit. It's unfortunate to be baited like that but some people are like that.

I keep finding myself in these situations because the only girls who text me back seem to be ones like this -_-

I spank, like and say hi ALL the time on here, but all I ever get is read messages, you've been visited notifications, and then nothing. I don't know, it must be my area. All I get is rejections 🙃🫠

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, kree90 said:

I wouldn't tolerate this. There are so many red flags to me that unless otherwise stated in your agreement would cause me to run. 

As an HSP myself, I learned to really appreciate my boundaries. If you've set them and she's running over them, it's time to go. No more talking.

 

<3 I wish you luck. Remember you and your mental health matter here just as much.

Thank you, I appreciate this

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

It's absolutely not the same. And 2 weeks? Seriously? And these issues already?

You would be mad to continue if this behaviour you've described of her is true... and 2 weeks in. 

I'd say get out while you've not met because if this got worse and in person what will you do? 

 

Blown my mind. 

I've been with my partner off here for 3.5yr.

Hes never behaved this way with me once. Nor I with him. If he had, he'd have been gone a long time ago  

2 weeks is 🤯🤯🤯🤯

This is very useful thank you. I must have been blinded by love not to notice the toxic tones of voice she was giving me, or I thought it was my fault every time. This is rough...

[Gr****]

That’s not right at all. She cannot expect everyone, including you, to react and respond exactly how she wants. I’m sorry but she’s giving narcissist. I’m a brat/ sub myself but I’ll never disregard my husband/ Dom’s feelings. It’s hard enough for men to express emotions, and for her to throw that in your face is unacceptable. Even in normal relationship dynamics.

[Je****]

11 hours ago, YourLovingDaddy said:

This is very useful thank you. I must have been blinded by love not to notice the toxic tones of voice she was giving me, or I thought it was my fault every time. This is rough...

Sorry, and maybe it's just my opinion, but you cannot love someone after 2 weeks. Especially if you haven't even met. 2 weeks is not enough to know someone in and out and learn their habits and behaviours and observe patterns in it. 

Perhaps don't throw L bombs about and vet vet vet. People can take weeks to vet never mind love. 

Time and patience perhaps is the way to go. Vetting also before committing to a dynamic. Dynamics take time and have to be earned and 100% trust before playing and getting involved. 

Anything else is a high risk for failing. Some work bit usually it's just not enough time.

My opinion.