new Dom, facing unexpected issues

March 22, 2024

hey everyone :} so... im very new to the world of kink fetish bdsm... but my partner of 1+ year is very much a sub, and has placed me in the dom role. Its a role im happy to play, and have invested considerable time and *** into acilitating that relationship. (japanese bondage ropes, various restraints, vibrators dildos and toys, etc.) While i LOVE playing yhis role for her, im finding that as a result, im so focused on her that my sexual needs are being entirely ignored. im wondering if other doms have faced similar issues... where pleasuring/***ing their subs becomes the entire focus. how do you reintroduce your needs as a dom into the play?

kindest regards,

Amp'd

March 22, 2024

Firstly your failing at the starting gun
Your not a Dom....
Secondly you don't know your not a Dom

Thirdly you don't know why your not a Dom..

Hope that helps save you wasting your time.

March 22, 2024

welcome to the dominate world as a domme I did the same (as I sort of took on the role on here) I found it hard to start with aswel as my sub was my main focus, but I found communication was the best way. Find out what part of your body your partner enjoys and use that as a reward or punishment. Also I found that subs want to please their Master/Mistress so use that to your advantage aswel. My last sub had a thing for face sitting so if he did his tasks or did as he was told I would use his face as a seat as a way of a reward or he was big into feet as a punishment I was put my feet just infront of him just out of his reach, hope that helps

March 22, 2024

Agreeing with the above comment you are dominant or you are not it’s not a game it’s not play it’s not something you assume to simply for your other partners enjoyment
My subs reward me for my domination and giving them what they need

Please both yourself and your partner look into the bdsm test ( google it ) get yourself to a munch and talk to other kinksters in person
To me you are switch leaning sub and that is no criticism but subs need care to and if you are thrusting yourself into this role are you getting what you need out of it

Maybe it might be worth approaching a dom to teach or demonstrate/ try an event watch and take things in

March 22, 2024

Communication helps... I find that telling her what you want is awfully effective... A simple "suck my cock" works wonders.

March 23, 2024

If you don't derive pleasure from acting like a dominant, then it's healthy to ease up on that. Start simpler, taking things you did in your vanilla relationship and adapting them into Dom/sub stuff. One easy one is just commanding your partner to do things that you'd like her to do.

March 23, 2024

Commenting in hope that any of my D type friends might be able to help you.

I will say however that I hope you don’t listen to people who tell you you’re not (or conversely are) a Dom (or anything else for that matter). You are you and what works and is enjoyable for you (and your partner) is what you are.

There are many different styles of Dominant so for anyone to say you aren’t one is quite condescending. You’ve taken on a role instigated by something your partner enjoys, all credit to you. Do you enjoy the role you’ve taken on? Do you drive pleasure from it? Would you like it to continue but with a different focus (ie your pleasure)?

Well done for admitting you’re “struggling” somewhat with your role. That takes courage.

Well done for asking for advice. That does self awareness. And frankly there are a lot of self purported D types out there who could learn from this.

It’s really cliched but communication really is key. Talk to your partner about your needs and your concerns. She might also have ideas or things that she wants to be given permission to do for or to you.

Research, read, join your local community find out what you might like to try. Learning new things can be lots of fun and having kink friends is great.

When you know what you want/need/expect/crave you’ll be better positioned to bring this into your play.

As always though, consent is key and communication is paramount.

Hoping this helps somewhat x

Edited March 23, 2024 by FatefulDestiny
*

March 23, 2024

19 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Commenting in hope that any of my D type friends might be able to help you.

I will say however that I hope you don’t listen to people who tell you you’re not (or conversely are) a Dom (or anything else for that matter). You are you and what works and is enjoyable for you (and your partner) is what you are.

There are many different styles of Dominant so for anyone to say you aren’t one is quite condescending. You’ve taken on a role instigated by something your partner enjoys, all credit to you. Do you enjoy the role you’ve taken on? Do you drive pleasure from it? Would you like it to continue but with a different focus (ie your pleasure)?

Well done for admitting you’re “struggling” somewhat with your role. That takes courage.

Well done for asking for advice. That does self awareness. And frankly there are a lot of self purported D types out there who could learn from this.

It’s really cliched but communication really is key. Talk to your partner about your needs and your concerns. She might also have ideas or things that she wants to be given permission to do for or to you.

Research, read, join your local community find out what you might like to try. Learning new things can be lots of fun and having kink friends is great.

When you know what you want/need/expect/crave you’ll be better positioned to bring this into your play.

As always though, consent is key and communication is paramount.

Hoping this helps somewhat x

Expand

Excellent answer! I completely agree that the forcing of one person's concept of Dom or not Dom are too rigid on here sometimes.

Also ampd have you heard of Dom/Domme burnout. It can happen sometimes when we focus too much effort and attention on looking after our subs needs and ignoring our own. You can do a couple of things in your scenario I think.
First make a list of your sexual needs and desires that you feel you are missing out on. As mentioned above these can be used as rewards or punishments for your sub.
A second thing that I find use during a stressful or difficult day or weekend is just having my sub spoil me rotten without giving any sexual release to them. Massages, bathing me, kissing me all over, making me dinner in just an apron, kneeling for me just to be admired, and lots of other little things. All of these things make me feel empowered but with no demands on me and it's so much fun to watch a sub squirm while staying horny and happy. And it still allows my sub to worship and serve me.
A weekend like this can be a balm. 🥰

March 23, 2024

Some seem to be missing the point of my earlier comments.
Being a Dominant (just as bring a Submissive) isn't a choice to be made it's made for you by your own authentic nature.
Sure anyone choose to act ...just as a actor acts on a stage.....and anyone can Act a Dom or Sub..
Better to be slapped with the truth don't you think that have your ass kissed with a lie

March 23, 2024

Typos I bothered with

March 23, 2024

2 minutes ago, SIGMA- said:

Some seem to be missing the point of my earlier comments.
Being a Dominant (just as bring a Submissive) isn't a choice to be made it's made for you by your own authentic nature.
Sure anyone choose to act ...just as a actor acts on a stage.....and anyone can Act a Dom or Sub..
Better to be slapped with the truth don't you think that have your ass kissed with a lie
Expand

People can change though, especially for the ones they love. We're not saying he's gonna become a dom overnight either, it takes time. But that's time he seems to be willing to put in, and we're trying to advise him on how best to use that time.

March 23, 2024

2 minutes ago, SIGMA- said:

Some seem to be missing the point of my earlier comments.
Being a Dominant (just as bring a Submissive) isn't a choice to be made it's made for you by your own authentic nature.
Sure anyone choose to act ...just as a actor acts on a stage.....and anyone can Act a Dom or Sub..
Better to be slapped with the truth don't you think that have your ass kissed with a lie
Expand

You're are so open minded and eloquent. Your point of view must be accurate as you are self identified as a "SIGMA" (all caps too lol) 😉

March 23, 2024

18 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Commenting in hope that any of my D type friends might be able to help you.

I will say however that I hope you don’t listen to people who tell you you’re not (or conversely are) a Dom (or anything else for that matter). You are you and what works and is enjoyable for you (and your partner) is what you are.

There are many different styles of Dominant so for anyone to say you aren’t one is quite condescending. You’ve taken on a role instigated by something your partner enjoys, all credit to you. Do you enjoy the role you’ve taken on? Do you drive pleasure from it? Would you like it to continue but with a different focus (ie your pleasure)?

Well done for admitting you’re “struggling” somewhat with your role. That takes courage.

Well done for asking for advice. That does self awareness. And frankly there are a lot of self purported D types out there who could learn from this.

It’s really cliched but communication really is key. Talk to your partner about your needs and your concerns. She might also have ideas or things that she wants to be given permission to do for or to you.

Research, read, join your local community find out what you might like to try. Learning new things can be lots of fun and having kink friends is great.

When you know what you want/need/expect/crave you’ll be better positioned to bring this into your play.

As always though, consent is key and communication is paramount.

Hoping this helps somewhat x

Expand

I agree with this comment, do take it on board.

As for reintroducing your needs, you are going to have to learn to be firm. Grab a hold of the control. It's great that you are seeing to her needs, but not that you are neglecting your own - and if I'm honest I'm a little anxious for you that somebody you've been with for so long doesn't seem to be doing anything to ensure you are being satisfied. Most dynamics are two-way and your post reads as though you've got the short end of the stick here.

My suggestions? If she has put you in the Dominant role, take it and use it. *** your focus away from just her needs and over to what you need as a couple. You say your needs are being entirely ignored? Then either she is unaware or you are being used - whichever is the case, she is YOUR sub and you are not her kink dispenser. If my needs were being ignored by my partner then I would desist gratifying them until the situation were resolved - you need to either talk to her or take the lead.

March 23, 2024

You can't change...that's my point
And why should he change for someone he loves if they don't accept him as his nature dictates it's not love anyway

March 23, 2024

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit
The truth ***s no questions
And I can choose my nature I can only work with it to mine and others advantage

March 23, 2024

2 minutes ago, SIGMA- said:

You can't change...that's my point
And why should he change for someone he loves if they don't accept him as his nature dictates it's not love anyway
Expand

You raise a good point, in a roundabout way. OP, don't give a mile just for her to give an inch, you have to communicate with her. The key to any relationship, be it vanilla or kinky, or even a business or platonic relationship, is good communication. Make sure you're both able to compromise on some things, and negotiate with her as to what you can both do for each other, and to each other.

March 23, 2024

Can't choose typo....

March 23, 2024

1 minute ago, SIGMA- said:

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit
The truth ***s no questions
And I can choose my nature I can only work with it to mine and others advantage
Expand

Does someone need a hug? 🤗

March 23, 2024

On Pink ...
I don't self identify ...that's for the woke crowd....
I've simple recognised my own nature and use a word that from awareness best defines that nature ...

March 23, 2024

Oh christ he used the word woke as an insult.
OP, at the end of the day it is your relationship. Navigate it how you wish to, and while you shouldn't be an asshole neither should you be a pushover. Make sure you're doing what's best for BOTH of you, not just your partner or yourself.