Jokes and tall Stories

[Ze****]

Golf Club

 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

 

Everyone else in he room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello"

 

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 

MAN: "Yes"

 

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

 

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked." 

MAN: "How much?"

 

WOMAN: "$65,000"

 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and! give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

 

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

 

 

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Ze****]

  Bank sorry for 'insult' cash card
 A high street bank has said sorry to a customer after sending him a debit card containing the words "Dick Head". NatWest said it had launched an inquiry after Chris Lancaster, 18, of Tiptree, Essex, received a cash card with the wording: "Mr C Lancaster Dick Head".
  A NatWest spokesperson said on Wednesday: "We have apologised unreservedly to Mr Lancaster."
  The spokesperson added: "This is completely unacceptable and we have launched an investigation."
  The Solo card was a replacement for one Mr Lancaster had lost. He said he saw the insulting words as he was about to hand over his new card to pay for goods in a supermarket and was so embarrassed he put the card back in his wallet.
  As well as apologising, he said NatWest had promised to pay him compensation.

[Ze****]

What is the time?

 

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

[Ze****]

Blonde And Frog

  A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.  The sign says:  "Sex Frogs! Only £5-00 each!  Comes with complete instructions." The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.  She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one.
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."  The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
  As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.  She does exactly what is specified:  1. Take a shower.  2. Splash on some nice perfume.  3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.  4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens!  The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the blonde calls the pet store.  The man says, "I'll be right over."
  Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.   The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:  "Listen to me!  I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[Ze****]

Subject: Bra Sizing!! For The Girlies

 

What Religion is Your Bra?

  A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
  "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
  " Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
  "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
  "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."
  Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
  There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
  Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..
  The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

 

  Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

  They forgot the German bra.

  Holtzemfromfloppen