Jokes and tall Stories

[Ze****]

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
Soren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855)

Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the *** and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons.
Will Cuppy

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Flannery O'Connor (1925 - 1964)

[Ze****]

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.  
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,   Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.   His father asked him three times what was wrong.  
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,   and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,  'And forgive us our trash baskets   as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her *** as they   were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'  
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.  
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.   Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.   'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,   'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'  
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,   ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his ***  
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,  
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.  
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.  
The boy thought a moment and then said,  
'Did God throw him back down?'  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,  
'Would you like to say the blessing?'  
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.  
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.  
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?

[Ze****]

MAKES ONE THINK .....

 

YEAR 1981 

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope died.

 

YEAR 2005

 

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope died.

 

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, WOULD SOMEONE

please warn the Pope. 

*****************************************************************

[Ze****]

Vis Classics

 

  I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner

 

  What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!"
  The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter

 

 I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts

 

  Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.

Christina Martin

 

  Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley

 

  Am I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail

 

  To the zoo okeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse:
  I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

 

  I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

 

  According to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website ww.heathermillsmccartney.com, perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds

 

  Professional footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.
T Harpic, London

 

  The thing that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have been?
T Thorne, London

 

 Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

 

  They say that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith

 

  I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise move.
Martin Mannion

 

  Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

 

  Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds

 

  My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel

 

  My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll get up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham

 

  When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty ***ager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull

 

  What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

[do****]

9 hours ago, Zeus2512 said:

MAKES ONE THINK .....

 

YEAR 1981 

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope died.

 

YEAR 2005

 

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope died.

 

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, WOULD SOMEONE

please warn the Pope. 

*****************************************************************

🤔🤔🤔😂😂😂

[Ze****]

When Women Get Together Over Drinks

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[Ze****]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the ***. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe ***."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

[Ze****]

Woof woof 
****************************************************

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no *** and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[Ze****]

A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Babe, your arse is getting so fat, it's looking like a washing machine."
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the man is asking for sex.
The woman says;
"I'm not starting the washing machine for such a small load.
You'll have to hand wash it!"

[do****]

4 hours ago, Zeus2512 said:

Woof woof 
****************************************************

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no *** and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

I need to see this movie. Is it on VHS or DVD? 😂😂

[Ze****]

5 hours ago, doubletrouble129 said:

I need to see this movie. Is it on VHS or DVD? 😂😂

 

5 hours ago, doubletrouble129 said:

I need to see this movie. Is it on VHS or DVD? 😂😂

I'm trying to find it myself. :):):)

[Ze****]

There were three men drinking at Pete's Bar

A Doctor, an Attorney, and a Biker.

As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."

 

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."

 

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go f **** herself!"

[Ze****]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road show.

   "Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the
celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century."
    Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good
condition?"

     "Sticks?" Paddy replied

[Ze****]

HOSPITAL BILL

 

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency

open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard

loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have *** in the bank?"

He replied, "No *** in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"

asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster ***, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Ze****]

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a *** that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[Ze****]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.                

'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, seester?' he asks.

 

'£10,' she replies.

 In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'

 'No' she says.

 'I pay you £20 to do Immigrant Style.'

 'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

 'I pay you £30.'

 'No', she says.

 'I pay you £50.'

 'No', she says.

 So finally he says, 'OK, I pay £100 to do Immigrant Style.'

 

 She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. 

 I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.   How bad could Immigrant Style be?''.

 

 So she agrees and has sex with him.  

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.  

Finally, after a long time they finish.

 

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. 

But that was good.   So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

 

The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'

[Ze****]

Better relationship

 

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

[Ze****]

£10 A Go

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best.
Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.

An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way, with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"

[Ze****]

21st CENTURY TEACHER APPLICANT

  Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of *** and T-shirt messages.

  I am to fight the war on *** and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job.

  I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.

  I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time summer and evenings at my own expense toward advance certification and a master's degree; and after school, I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my employment status.

  I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and to my current administration. I am to incorporate technology into the learning, and monitor all Web sites while providing a personal relationship with each student. I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being ***d, and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions.
  I am to make sure all students pass the state and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned. Plus, I am expected to make sure that all of the students with handicaps are guaranteed a free and equal education, regardless of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter and grade card.

  I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute more-or-less plan time and a big smile, all on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all? And you want me to do all of this and expect me NOT TO PRAY?

[Ze****]

4 Letter Words

 

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
   "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
   "Oh, ma," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
   Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, ma, as soon as we returned, he started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MA!"
   "Sweetie," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out.
 Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
   "Please don't make me tell you, ma," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too
 awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
   "Sweetie, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter
 words!"
   Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Ma..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
   I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

[Ze****]

A college student picked up his date at her parent's home. He'd sc***d together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetisers, lobster, champagne . . .the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."

[Ze****]

ABORT, RETRY, IGNORE

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals block the door, wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more

Deep into the morning ***ring, long I sat there wond'ring, ***ing.
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed bore! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the Monster answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some weird illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, some I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping naught would still be pending.
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with that cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, why not try a combination,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless, as before...
Cursor blinking, madly winking, blinking nonsense more and more.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
Just then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my prior data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I bet that no one ever knows, the place to where lost data goes.
What demonic nether world exists where all this data finally rests,
beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the stars, to blackened holes?
But as sure as there's a Billy Gates, an Ashton-Tate, and more,
Soon we will wander far away, to some remote Plutonian shore,
As you plead and beg, and then implore, your answer is forevermore,
Your choices have not changed old boy, they are "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

[Ze****]

Ahhh Bad Or What

"I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife,
best trade i ever made.

What did the mummy sardine say to her *** when they saw a submarine?
Don't worry, it's only a tin of people.

If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland.

What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
Show me your mussels.

How do you kiss a pike?
Very carefully.

Fly-fisherman's wife: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend."

What kind of sea creature eats its victims two by two?
Noah's shark.

Mother: Have you given the goldfish fresh water today?
Son: No, they haven't finished the water I gave them yesterday.

Mummy why can't I go swimming in the sea?
Because there are sharks in the sea.
But Mummy, Daddy is swimming in the sea.
That's different he is insured.

What happened to the fishing boat that sank in piranha fish infested waters?
It came back with a skeleton crew.

What is said             We got a lot of fish!
What it really meant   The rest of the guys caught all of these - I got nothing.

What is said             This fish put up a great fight.
> What it really meant It cost me a fortune at the Market.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi were out for a day of fishing. After getting into the boat they had just pulled away from the dock when the rabbi said stop the boat I forgot the coffee, the pastor who was driving the boat said I will turn around and take you back to the dock and the rabbi said oh no need I will be right back. The rabbi quickly jumped out of the boat and ran across the water to shore and then to his car to fetch the coffee and then ran back across the water and got back in the boat. Well the pastor not wanting to be shown up by the rabbi said oh my I forgot the sandwiches and quickly jumped out of the boat to attempt running across the water like the rabbi but instead sank quickly to the bottom of the lake. With that the priest looked angrily at the rabbi and said you should have shown him where the rocks were.

A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys. When the babies were side by side, they always looked in opposite directions, so they were named Forward and Away. Years later the fisherman took his sons fishing, but they didn't return. Months passed, and the wife finally spotted her husband plodding sadly up the beach. He explained to her that during their trip, Forward had hooked an enormous fish. He had struggled for hours, when suddenly the fish pulled Forward into the water and they never saw him again. "That's just terrible! his wife said. "It was terrible all right," said the fisherman. "But you should have seen the one that got Away

[Ze****]

AN ENGLISHMAN, AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.

The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.

The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"

[Ze****]

John is the kind of guy you love to  hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive  to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply,  "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there  telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the  situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went  up and asked him, "I don't get it!

You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do  it?"

He  replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two  choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can  choose to be in a bad mood.  

I choose to be in a  good mood."

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a  victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from  it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can  choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the  positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah,  right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he  said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk,  every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations.  You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a  good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you  live your life."

I  reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry  to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about  him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to  it.
Several years later, I heard  that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet  from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and  weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods  placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the  accident.

When I asked him  how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna  see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask  him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.  

"The first thing that went through my mind was the  well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I  lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could  choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."  

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.  

He continued, "..the paramedics were great.

They kept  telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the  ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses,  I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew  I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I  asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions  at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I  replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for  my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."

Over  their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me  as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill  of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I  learned from him that every day we have the choice to live  fully.

Attitude, after all, is  everything .

Therefore do not worry  about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has  enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.

After all today is  the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.