Ze**** Posted April 27 Author Posted April 27 The word Fuck Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe ***, pleasure, love, and hate. In language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John),or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an interjection Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see there aren't very words with the overall versatility of the word fuck. Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations: 1. Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?" 2. Fraud............."I got fucked by the car dealer." 3. Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!" 4. Trouble..........."I guess I'm fucked now." 5. Aggression........."FUCK YOU!" 6. Disgust..........."Fuck me." 7. Confusion........."What the fuck....?" 8. Displeasure......."Fucking shit man..." 9. Lost.............."where the fuck are we?" 10.Disbelief.........."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!" 11.Retaliation........"Up your fucking ass!" 12.Apathy............."Who really gives a fuck?" 13.Suspicion.........."Who the fuck are you?" 14.Directions........."Fuck off." It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!" It can be used to tell time......."It's four fuckingtwenty!" It can be used as an anatomical description......."He's a fuckingasshole." Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshima~ "That's not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~ "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~ "Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~ "Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~ "Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~AlbertEinstein~ "It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~ "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" ?~Michaelangelo~ "Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~ "Houston we have a big fucking problem." ~The crew of Apollo 13~ Now send this to at least 10 people or you'll be fucked!
Ze**** Posted April 27 Author Posted April 27 One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny? Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon. Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon? Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and fuck off in the morning
Ze**** Posted April 27 Author Posted April 27 TRUST ME... I'M A LAWYER Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has £500 left."
Deleted Member Posted April 27 Posted April 27 I just laddered my tights, not to worry they were on their last legs anyway!
Ze**** Posted April 28 Author Posted April 28 She'll let you do anything Ron and Terry were chatting about football in the pub after work. "Are you going to the Arsenal v Spurs match on Saturday?" asked Ron. "No," replied Terry. "My wife won't let me." "It's easy to get out of that," said Ron. "About an hour before the game, what you do is pick her up, take her to the bedroom, rip off her clothes and make mad, passionate love to her. Then she'll let you do anything you want." "OK, I'll try that," said Terry. The following Monday, the two men meet up again in the pub. "How come you didn't make it to the game," asked Ron. "Well," said Terry, "I'll tell you what happened. About an hour before kick-off, I did as you said. I picked her up, took her to the bedroom and ripped off her clothes. And then I thought, Spurs haven't been playing that well recently." My wife should be a goalie "My wife would make a great goalie," one man said to his friend. "I haven't scored for months." (Q) Why do women make good goalkeepers ( A) They can stop two balls and a shot at once. It's all your fault At the height of Eric Cantona's fame with Manchester United, the manager buys a Bosnian striker for their second team. Although he plays well, he goes virtually unnoticed until Eric Cantona decides to return to France, leaving a terrible gap in the side. The manager decides to try the Bosnian out in one first team game and is delighted when he plays brilliant football and gets three goals. After the game everyone congratulates the Bosnian and the manager offers him a full contract and a huge salary. The Bosnian is thrilled and says, "I must phone my mother to tell her the. good news." When he gets through to his mother she says; "Well, son, I have bad news for you - your father was out foraging for food and was shot dead. Your brother went out after him to try to find out what happened and to seek some recompense - he was badly beaten and had both his legs broken, and this is ALL YOUR FAULT!" The Bosnian is shocked and says, "How is this my fault? I had nothing to do with it!" But his mother replies, "If it weren't for you, we wouldn't be in Manchester in the first place!" All you think about is football Wife: 'Football, football, football! That's all you ever think about! If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the house' work, I think I'd drop dead from the shock!' Husband: 'it's no good trying to bribe me, dear.' ______________________________________________________________________
Ze**** Posted April 28 Author Posted April 28 There are lawyers on the flight An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
Ze**** Posted April 29 Author Posted April 29 Who Wants To be A Millionaire ??? My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire While we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No!' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' 'Yes!' she replied. Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.' That's the last thing I remember. Darn woman, she has absolutely NO sense of humor!
Ze**** Posted April 29 Author Posted April 29 Maxims Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
Ze**** Posted April 29 Author Posted April 29 Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the *** bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'. The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterward, the sex and all that?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that........... Chuck was too tired.' God is good
Ze**** Posted April 29 Author Posted April 29 Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
Ze**** Posted April 30 Author Posted April 30 The Poor Widower A bloke walked into the local newspaper office looking a bit sad. 'My wife has just died and I wanted to put an announcement in the paper, how much does it cost ?' 'It`s a pound a word' replied the girl behind the desk. The old boy fumbled in his pocket and pulled out six quid, 'it`s all I`ve got, can I borrow your pen please ?' He walked away to a counter and came back with his £6 and a scribbled note. 'Wife died Wednesday night in sleep.' Feeling sorry for him the girl went away to ask her manager if she could allow him 5 words for a pound. Feeling compassionate the manager agreed. All of a sudden the old chap seemed to perk up a bit and went away to scribble again returning a few minutes later with a new note : Wait for it .... Hankies at the ready.... Wife died Wednesday night in sleep. Metro 1.3L hatchback for sale, full service history, lovely ***twork, alloy wheels, stereo, over-mats, seat covers, electric front windows and recent oil change. £1,250 ono !
Ze**** Posted April 30 Author Posted April 30 Your Weekly Horoscope ARIES You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding TAURUS Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of ***. GEMINI Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet. CANCER You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making ***. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be ***ed. LEO The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare. VIRGO You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores. LIBRA You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral. SCORPIO You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small ***s and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet. SAGITTARIUS You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack. CAPRICORN You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy. AQUARIUS You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights. PISCES You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.
Ze**** Posted April 30 Author Posted April 30 Women (And Golfing) A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten." The woman said, For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful Woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. "The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world, The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack. Moral of the story - Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife, Moral of the story - Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. PS If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen. Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.
Ze**** Posted April 30 Author Posted April 30 Stella Awards. It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year: 7TH PLACE Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her ***rs after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son. 6TH PLACE : Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. 5TH PLACE : Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. ***d to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. 4TH PLACE : Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. 3RD PLACE : Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? 2ND PLACE : Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. 1ST PLACE This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set . The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?
Ze**** Posted April 30 Author Posted April 30 A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? --Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? -- It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge? -- No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean. What are your relations like? -- All my relations still in Poland. Is there any infidelity in your marriage? -- We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? -- No, I am always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? -- No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? -- She going to kill me. What makes you think that? -- I got proof. What kind of proof? -- She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at ***tore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
Ze**** Posted April 30 Author Posted April 30 Chat Up Line A man is alone in a very busy shopping centre. After a while he spots a beautiful young healthy-chested girl and asks her the time. When she tells him, he looks anxiously about and continues talking to her. The girl, although interested, says "Why do you keep asking questions? If you really want to get to know me better, then lets go for a drink!". The man looks sad. "its not that" he replies, "its just that I seem to have lost track of my Wife, and normally when I talk to a pretty girl, she shows up almost at once. Ah! Here she is now!"
do**** Posted May 1 Posted May 1 Yesterday at 05:46 AM, Zeus2512 said: Stella Awards. It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year: 7TH PLACE Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her ***rs after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son. 6TH PLACE : Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. 5TH PLACE : Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. ***d to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. 4TH PLACE : Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. 3RD PLACE : Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? 2ND PLACE : Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. 1ST PLACE This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set . The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...? 😲😲😲
Ze**** Posted May 2 Author Posted May 2 FEMALE POEM I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen all day long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I want him to be gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind, and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I want this man to love me to no end, And forever be my very best friend. MALE POEM I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
Ze**** Posted May 2 Author Posted May 2 Patents This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle." "A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?" "I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A farton." "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that." "In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
Ze**** Posted May 2 Author Posted May 2 PUNography.. some NEW ones! I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now . When chemists die, they barium . Jokes about German sausage are the wurst . A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran . I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time . How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it . I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me . This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore . I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down . I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words . They told me I had type A *** , but it was a Type- O. A dyslexic man walks into a bra . PMS jokes aren't funny, period . Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations . Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz . Energizer bunny arrested . Charged with battery . I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me . How do you make holy water ? Boil the hell out of it ! Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ? When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble . What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds . I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . Then it hit me ! Broken pencils are pointless . I tried to catch some fog . I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus . England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest . I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx . All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on . I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough . Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes . Velcro - what a rip off ! Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy . Venison for dinner ? Oh deer ! Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault . I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love means nothing.
Ze**** Posted May 2 Author Posted May 2 THE WRONG LESSONS A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!" He never even had a chance to duck.
Ze**** Posted May 4 Author Posted May 4 *** or ***? YOU BE THE JUDGE A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge.... so they stopped and parked their Harleys. Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit ***," she says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does.... And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss. After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit ***?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."he authorities think she may have been pushed…
Ze**** Posted May 4 Author Posted May 4 Would you believe it! Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and this was also before commercial fertilizer was available, so large shipments of manure were common. It was dried for shipping, because it weighed a lot less than fresh, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and restart the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T", (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.............
Ze**** Posted May 5 Author Posted May 5 Cannon Balls It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on six***. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys. Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the Monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a Brass Monkey. And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few unsuspecting friends.
Ze**** Posted May 6 Author Posted May 6 MORE QUESTIONS FOR ENQUIRING MINDS Q: Why did the King go to the dentist? A: To get his teeth crowned. Q: What do you call a three legged donkey? A: A wonkey. Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? A: It barked with de-light! Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk. Q: why are fish so smart? A: Because they live in schools. Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white? A: A zebra caught in a revolving door. Q: What do dogs eat at the cinema? A: Pup-corn! Q: What's a snakes favourite subject in class? A: Hissssstory. Q: Why do monkeys have big noses? A: Because they've got big fingers. Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: a bulldozer!
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