Jokes and tall Stories

[Ze****]

Answers:

1.  The third room.  Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.  That one was easy, right?

2.  The woman is a photographer.  She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3.  Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4.  Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5.  The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

[Ze****]

Safe Word

 

My new girlfriend is worried about the sexual side of our relationship, particularly because she knows that I am more experienced than her and I have a bit of a reputation for being kinky.

I've done everything I can to reassure her that I will never make her feel pressurised and I've given her a 'safe' word so she can get me to instantly stop if I'm doing anything that is going too quickly or that she feels uncomfortable with.

Unfortunately for her, the safe word is "yes".

[Ze****]

How to get permission to play golf...

 

   Four married guys go golfing.  During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
 
First Guy:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.  I had to promise my wife that I will ***t every room in the house next weekend."
 
Second Guy:
"That's nothing:  I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
 
Third Guy:
"Man, you both have it easy!  I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
 
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
 
So they ask him.  "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.  What's the deal?"
 
Fourth Guy:
"I just set my alarm for 5:30am.  When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the arse and said:  "Golf course or intercourse?"  She said:  "Wear sun-block".

[Ze****]

The Little Inventor

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

[Ze****]

Diaries

 

HER DIARY

  Sunday 13th June 2004
  Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
  He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed.
  I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

HIS DIARY

  Sunday 13th June 2004
  England lost to France. Absolutely Gutted. Got a shag though

[Ze****]

Mick And Paddy

  Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'
  'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked.
  'Because,' said Mick, 'the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'
  Paddy said, 'Stupid bastards, the laugh's on them ... I wasn't home yesterday.'

[Ze****]

Oy-vay. 

  A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon!  All he wants is anal sex, and my arsehole is now the size of a 50p piece when it used to be about the size of a 5p.'

 

Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get £1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 Pence?'

[Ze****]

The Pregnant ***ager

 

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari Stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey Hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry Her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a Townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him..

"You shag her again."

[Ze****]

Upset is unhealthy

 

  The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
  On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
  "Yes," the boy's mother answered.
  "And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
  "Who cares?" the mother replied.

[Ze****]

A Guy Enters His Favourite Ritzy Restaurant

 

    A guy enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
    The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
    Her note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
    The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back
    to her.
    His note reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage. I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK!!!"

[Ze****]

Definition of Life (Very Well Said)

Boy, does this seem true…..!

Life is....
"Leaving the house in the morning, dressed in clothes that you bought on credit card for work, driving through the traffic in a car that you are still paying for, putting in fuel that you cannot afford, in order to get to the job that you hate but need so badly so that you can pay for the clothes, car, fuel and the house that you have to leave empty the whole day, in order to live in it."

[Ze****]

Results of damage testing

  It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the s***d the plane flies.
  The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the French were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, s***dy locomotive they're developing.
  They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The French were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

[do****]

1 hour ago, Zeus2512 said:

Definition of Life (Very Well Said)

Boy, does this seem true…..!

Life is....
"Leaving the house in the morning, dressed in clothes that you bought on credit card for work, driving through the traffic in a car that you are still paying for, putting in fuel that you cannot afford, in order to get to the job that you hate but need so badly so that you can pay for the clothes, car, fuel and the house that you have to leave empty the whole day, in order to live in it."

Facts 😑

[Ze****]

BEYOND ALL TRACK RECORDS

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[Ze****]

No Nuts Pllease

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, ***fully, up onto a stool. 

 

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

 The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts? No he replied, arthritis.

[Ze****]

Little Johnny! (Bless the little bastard). 
"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence." 

"Jane, you go first..."



"Dough; D O U G H.... Italians make pizza with dough."

"Very good, Jane, now let's hear from Mary."


"Dough; D O U G H... My brother makes things with play dough."
 



"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

"My mum says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's ***y hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

[Ze****]

The Priest and The Politician - Never Be Late

 

  Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little s***ch at the dinner.
  However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
  "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen *** from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal ***, and gave VD to his ***. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
  Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
  Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late.

[Ze****]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
  She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on  14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
  When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and  asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.  As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
  "I'm in sales."
  He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
  She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
  He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
  He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
  She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
  He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

[Ze****]

Extra Office Work

 The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.  He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"  The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

[Ze****]

GRY Riddle

There are three words in the English language ending with g-r-y. Hungry is one word that ends with g-r-y. Every body knows what they mean and every body says them every day. If you have listened carefully you would have heard me tell you the third word.

What are the three words?

Scroll down for the answer. Remember that it is a riddle and not some sort of calculation or word search puzzle. Therefore the answer that you will be looking for will have some sort of twist, as riddles go.

Answer to the GRY Riddle:

Well there are just not three words in the English language ending g-r-y, certainly not common words that would be said every day. Angry and hungry are the only two words that end in g-r-y. Hungry may be said every day but I doubt whether or not angry would be said every day. Somebody said that the word 'gry' is a proper word meaning the dirt under your fingernails. If it is a proper word then it certainly doesn't fit the clues.

The biggest clue in the riddle are the words 'listened' and  'heard'.  This tells you that the riddle is meant to be spoken and not read from written material.


Looking at the words in the riddle, something therefore starts to stick out. The words 'every' and 'body'. The riddle could have been written incorrectly and 'every' and 'body' could have been written as 'everybody' and still have sounded the same when the riddle was spoken. This would have caused more confusion and made the analysis for the solution just one step further away.


The two words 'every' and 'body' as 'every body' mean something quite different to the word 'everybody'.


So what word or 3 words ending with g-r-y does every body know so well that every body says them every day? Just have a quiet think on this and you may come up with the answer.

Does a body say words? Out of the mouth comes words, the mouth is part of the body. Does the body tell you things without saying words. Does the body say things to you, without speaking?


When you put your hand on a hot stove does your body tell you "Ouch, get your hand off that stove it hurts!" I think that it does.


When you are hungry does your body say to you "I am hungry!". I think it does. I think that everybody's body says that every day and I think that that is the answer to the riddle.


"I am hungry" fits all of the clues:
3 words ending with g-r-y
already heard the third word
every body says every day
every body understands what they mean.
English language


"I am angry" or "You are hungry" or various other combinations just do not fit all of the clues.

[Ze****]

IN SEARCH OF A GOOD MAN

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings.

She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Ze****]

The cook’s tricks

An Admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he is impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He goes to the cook to ask how this feat is done so it can be used on other ships under his command. The cook replies, "Well Admiral, after each biscuit is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia." Horrified, the Admiral exclaims "Damn it sailor, that's not very hygienic!" The cook shrugs and replies "Well, if you feel that way sir, I suggest you steer clear of the donuts."

[Ze****]

Irish Medical Dictionary

 

 

Artery: The study of ***tings.

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

Barium: What you do when patients die.

Benign: What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome .

Catscan: Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker than someone else.

Fibula: A small lie.

Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

Labour ***: Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

Node: I knew it.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Nearly killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour: One plus one more.

Urine: Opposite of you're out.

[Ze****]

My New Lexus

I just got my new Lexus RX400H and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated "Watch this"! He said "Nelson"!
 
The Radio replied "Ricky or Willie?" Willie"! He continued. and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
 
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say Beethoven" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said "Beetles" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
 
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled "ASSHOLES!".
 
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar , Al Gore on drums, Bill Clinton on sax  and Ted Kennedy on booze.  Man, I LOVE this car!

[do****]

20 hours ago, Zeus2512 said:

Irish Medical Dictionary

 

 

Artery: The study of ***tings.

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

Barium: What you do when patients die.

Benign: What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome .

Catscan: Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker than someone else.

Fibula: A small lie.

Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

Labour ***: Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

Node: I knew it.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Nearly killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour: One plus one more.

Urine: Opposite of you're out.

This is just cold 😂😂😂