Overcoming trust issues

[CopperKnob]

You have to realise a few things about, not this app specifically/solely, but all online kink sites.

1. When you're new here, everyone will message you regardless of their interests/intent. These are the people who specifically look for newbies/less experienced individuals. They are skilled at the chat and it's easy to fall for it.
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2. When we're new, it's like a candy store. Everything is bright and sparkly, and we're keen to jump in, especially if we're only just getting to grips with a new side of ourselves. And, we can say we've vetted, but the first few times we do, we do not do it well, and we miss the glaring red flags. We can say that we're cautious/skeptical and don't jump in straight in away with both feet but, well, here we all are with our stories.
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3. This is no different from vanilla dating/ hookups. Trust your gut instinct. Ignore your heart and the excitement around a new connection/relationship. Do not 'play' on a first meet.
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4. Rather than going straight into meets with people, spend time here getting to know and learn from the community, not just about kink but yourself too.

[je****]

2 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Trust your gut instinct.

I literally whinced at this. Ouch. Lol. That, I did not do. At the time, I put it down to 'lack of trust'. Things felt off, but being been told xyz I like to take people at their word and I feel as though questioning further shows distrust.  

But, once again, I know why. Thankfully, in day to day, I've had a HUGE lesson in trusting my gut since then. At the time, it was something that I was very much doubting.

While incredibly frustrating, this has really helped. Thank you. 🙏

[je****]

3 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

we can say we've vetted, but the first few times we do, we do not do it well

This is weirdly comforting. Such a great way to explain it. I felt as though I did... but we don't know, what we don't know. It's not a fail, it's a work in progress. 💯🙏

[CopperKnob]

49 minutes ago, jess_may said:

This is weirdly comforting. Such a great way to explain it. I felt as though I did... but we don't know, what we don't know. It's not a fail, it's a work in progress. 💯🙏

If it makes you feel better, have a read of a post called 'how do new subs stay safe' in this forum. We've all learnt the hard way but isn't that the point of life?

[je****]

57 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

If it makes you feel better, have a read of a post called 'how do new subs stay safe' in this forum. We've all learnt the hard way but isn't that the point of life?

Correct! And generally the hardest things in life are the most worthwhile. I will definitely head over and read that now. Thank you, so much. 🙏

[Si****]

Always listen to your gut’s feelings…

[MasterDarcy1979]

It might sound antithetical but sometimes your issue isn't your issue.

I've literally lost count of the women who I've known who have had trust issues and then proceeded to tell me their life stories and told me things they only tell a shrink.

Why? Because, in order to Dom a woman, I first need to know everything about her. I require to know what makes her tick and how her mins works, etc..

I wouldn't even dream of being a Dom to a sub/slave if I didn't know all there was to know about her or if there was gaps in my knowledge of her.

So yes, you could say that my Dominant process naturally gets women to open up.

That being said, the very fact that you have these issues would say to me that you haven't met the right person.

This isn't a race. There's no prize for beating the clock. Take your time to get to know someone. Build a relationship. Forge trust.

The foundation of a healthy BDSM dynamic is always built on a solid foundations of vanilla.

As far as your experiences go with man A and man B.

Man A sounds like a perpetual ghosted, for whatever reason. Man B just sounds like a chore. He lied anout his name? If he can lie about something so trivial then he can lie about anything.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

So yeah, just calm yourself down. Allow yourself time to look around. Read posts and absorb experiences from others. Through reading about mistakes made by others your knowledge and wisdom will rise.

Enjoy yourself.

[je****]

2 hours ago, MasterDarcy1979 said:

It might sound antithetical but sometimes your issue isn't your issue.

I've literally lost count of the women who I've known who have had trust issues and then proceeded to tell me their life stories and told me things they only tell a shrink.

Why? Because, in order to Dom a woman, I first need to know everything about her. I require to know what makes her tick and how her mins works, etc..

I wouldn't even dream of being a Dom to a sub/slave if I didn't know all there was to know about her or if there was gaps in my knowledge of her.

So yes, you could say that my Dominant process naturally gets women to open up.

That being said, the very fact that you have these issues would say to me that you haven't met the right person.

This isn't a race. There's no prize for beating the clock. Take your time to get to know someone. Build a relationship. Forge trust.

The foundation of a healthy BDSM dynamic is always built on a solid foundations of vanilla.

As far as your experiences go with man A and man B.

Man A sounds like a perpetual ghosted, for whatever reason. Man B just sounds like a chore. He lied anout his name? If he can lie about something so trivial then he can lie about anything.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

So yeah, just calm yourself down. Allow yourself time to look around. Read posts and absorb experiences from others. Through reading about mistakes made by others your knowledge and wisdom will rise.

Enjoy yourself.

"Experience is the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." — C.S. Lewis

You are 100% for the most part. Unfortunately, I think I just met a few of the 'not so great' people first up and had a skewed view from the get go.

It honestly all came down to me not trusting my gut so, that's on me also. But, I'm so happy to say it's all behind me. I've met some amazing people who have become great friends. Played with some super cool people with the most amazing stories.

You had the exact thought I had about Man B lying about his name. (See, I'm not silly. 😉😅) And, I am the type of person who believes there's an explanation (not an excuse) for everything but, being such common name's anyway let's drop them lol... said it was Dave but it was really Tim. Seriously? I fail to see a difference but, yup ok. 🤔🫣😂 The only thing more dangerous than a liar... a dumb one. Lol

Man A, quite simply, I think he wants to be the person he said he was. But, because he doubts himself, he judged a book by it's cover and treated me with the same respect he shows himself. Sad really. He definitely would've known how much thought I would've put into it. He 'knew what I was like' after all.

Everything aside I honestly believe everything happens for a reason, and I am ggrateful.

Man B made me appreciate the fact that I don't have any hangups about my wants to explore my kinks. I can't imagine having that internal battle on top of everything else. 

Man A helped me realise that while I'm an overthinker, I don't have anyone in my life that is optional, that behaves in a way that causes me to overthink and that's not about to change. 

Everything happens for a reason and luckily, I'm a quick learner. 🤗

[john-3255]

If you don't trust your partner, simply don't do it but if you can't trust him there's bigger problems in the relationship

[MasterDarcy1979]

On 7/5/2024 at 5:59 PM, jess_may said:

"Experience is the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." — C.S. Lewis

You are 100% for the most part. Unfortunately, I think I just met a few of the 'not so great' people first up and had a skewed view from the get go.

It honestly all came down to me not trusting my gut so, that's on me also. But, I'm so happy to say it's all behind me. I've met some amazing people who have become great friends. Played with some super cool people with the most amazing stories.

You had the exact thought I had about Man B lying about his name. (See, I'm not silly. 😉😅) And, I am the type of person who believes there's an explanation (not an excuse) for everything but, being such common name's anyway let's drop them lol... said it was Dave but it was really Tim. Seriously? I fail to see a difference but, yup ok. 🤔🫣😂 The only thing more dangerous than a liar... a dumb one. Lol

Man A, quite simply, I think he wants to be the person he said he was. But, because he doubts himself, he judged a book by it's cover and treated me with the same respect he shows himself. Sad really. He definitely would've known how much thought I would've put into it. He 'knew what I was like' after all.

Everything aside I honestly believe everything happens for a reason, and I am ggrateful.

Man B made me appreciate the fact that I don't have any hangups about my wants to explore my kinks. I can't imagine having that internal battle on top of everything else. 

Man A helped me realise that while I'm an overthinker, I don't have anyone in my life that is optional, that behaves in a way that causes me to overthink and that's not about to change. 

Everything happens for a reason and luckily, I'm a quick learner. 🤗

Great quote.

Yeah. No doubt that it does come down to luck, same with most things in life.

 

The Universe can smile on you or frown on you.  I think that's a pretty astute deduction.

 

There's a flaw in the concept of "thrusting your gut", though. Some people suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and because of this their instincts are dulled. 😜

 

He said that his name was Dave but it was actually Tim? Well, that's understandable... "Dave" is such an exotic, sexy and apowerful name. Whereas "Tim" is so dull. Three letters?! Ew! Totes different.😛 

 

Weird thing to lie about. I was recently involved with a woman who "lied" about her name, but my case was a bit different. In my case, the women was doing it to protect her identity as she was a very important person (Yes. Really). 

 

I see. I was going to suggest that Man A was "A" married "Man", but maybe not. It sucks when people play games. But it is what it is. You just have to roll the dice and hope that you come up with a good combination.   Cool. It's a healthy way to look at it. Experiences are meant to be learning tools.

 

As long as you take something from an experience then the time hasn't been wasted.   

 

There ya go! Always try to take something positive from a bad experience. And I'm glad you took that from Man B. Plus, knowing how much he lies about minutae things, it should teach you that you must always be truthful (not that I'm saying honestly hasn't always been your policy).  

 

Trust is a massive pillar of any BDSM relationship. Attempting to build trust with a person who lies about such stupid things would be impossible.   Nice. Also, being an overthinker is a good thing. Certainly beats being an underthinker: "Fools rush in", etc.  Good for you. It's great that you've used the aforementioned experiences and took positives from them. 

 

Time is precision. Only select people who are worthy of being in your life to stay in your life. Life is short, it becomes shorter if you surround yourself with toxic influences.

[je****]

On 7/7/2024 at 1:19 PM, MasterDarcy1979 said:

Some people suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and because of this their instincts are dulled. 😜

This literally made me LOL. Quite possibly with a slight snort. You are hilarious and anytime I feel my gut might be letting me down I'll be thinking of IBS. 😜 

 

On 7/7/2024 at 1:19 PM, MasterDarcy1979 said:

I was going to suggest that Man A was "A" married "Man", but maybe not.

No. He's not married. But that was my initial thought though too. 😉 

Always, always take the positive from every situation. I choose a life of peace and happiness. And the only way to achieve that is a whole lot of positively while you sidestep the drama. Be truthful. Not for others, but for you. Why make life harder than it is for yourself?

Honestly, I feel both men think so little of themselves and because of this theyvfeel like they have to pretend to be someone that they're not.

One of the reasons people lie is to gain something they know they don't deserve. The funny thing? I'm actually one of those people that know I'm no better than anyone else on this planet. That is an absolutely disgusting view to have but I feel these men believe that they are lesser and/or unworthy and therefore feel the need to lie.

But Darcey, look, let's both be thankful that we are people of substance and excitement with more than 3 letters to our names. 🤣😜🤗

And, thanks for the laugh! 😂🫶

[MasterDarcy1979]

On 7/8/2024 at 11:16 PM, jess_may said:

This literally made me LOL. Quite possibly with a slight snort. You are hilarious and anytime I feel my gut might be letting me down I'll be thinking of IBS. 😜 

An lol + a snort? Nice combination. 😉 

It's true, though. When you think of the many masses of people who make such outrageously awful decisions of the heart, it's definitely the work of IBS. There's a pandemic of IBS and it definitely pre-dated Covid.

On 7/8/2024 at 11:16 PM, jess_may said:

Always, always take the positive from every situation. I choose a life of peace and happiness. And the only way to achieve that is a whole lot of positively while you sidestep the drama. Be truthful. Not for others, but for you. Why make life harder than it is for yourself?

Honestly, I feel both men think so little of themselves and because of this theyvfeel like they have to pretend to be someone that they're not.

One of the reasons people lie is to gain something they know they don't deserve. The funny thing? I'm actually one of those people that know I'm no better than anyone else on this planet. That is an absolutely disgusting view to have but I feel these men believe that they are lesser and/or unworthy and therefore feel the need to lie.

But Darcey, look, let's both be thankful that we are people of substance and excitement with more than 3 letters to our names. 🤣😜🤗

And, thanks for the laugh! 😂🫶

Couldn't agree more. The quote "to thine own self be true" has always resonated deeply with me. The vast majority of the populace gladly sacrifice or drop their own values and/or morals in order to be paired off. Such a thing is a recipe for unfullfillment and unhappiness. 

Interesting. And I agree. The common denominator with people who lie is they have low self-esteem, so they to wear their lies as a mask. Unbeknownst to them, though, the mask always slips.  Personally, I've never ever had any self-esteem or self worth issues. A massive part of that is that I've always been comfortable in my own skin.

lol. Agreed. The more than three letter thing is a blessing that *** cannot obtain.😛 

You're very welcome.🙂

[er****]

An some people r just down right nasty,mostly girls with 5 letters in there name that begins with a t an ends with an a..true scumbags that strive on attention from the worst dudes an kids..sickos