Trying to remove shame

[Ki****]

I am recently out of a long term relationship where my partner wasn’t into anything non vanilla. This always created an issue for me and I felt shame for what I liked. I also lost myself within the relationship as I felt I was maybe trying to be what she wanted rather than being happy being myself. I guess she said when she left I’m not attractive to her anymore. I have always struggled with liking my appearance and mixed with feeling a bit of shame towards being into different things, I just wondered if anyone had a similar experience or advice for either myself or anyone else who may feel like this. Thanks for reading

[Deleted Member]

Hey, I'm going through a divorce right now. In the beginning of our relationship she said she "loved doing" all the stuff I was into and I really thought she was it. I thought: "Well, holy sh*t. I found my girl!" I was pumped and excited. She was everything I was looking for in and out of the bedroom.

Fast forward 4 years. To bring up she wanted a divorce, she told me that she was never into any of that and that we're not meant for each other partially because of it. So, she hid her feelings from me this whole time and then just expects it to be fine. Months before, she didn't want to do anything at all. Saying she was tired, or she was not in the mood, etc. etc.

When I found all this out and finally got the answer to why she was acting like this (because I tried and tried, but she wouldn't tell me), I felt so much shame and embarrassment. Here I was pouring myself out there, something I'm very private about, to someone who was never genuine about it.

I have been telling myself that liking the stuff I like doesn't define me 100% (she made it sound like that's all I wanted) and that I like what I like. I'm not willing to change that or give it up because I, and you, shouldn't have to. F**king own it. It's part of you. Find someone that is accepting of that, wants to do it, and makes you happy in all aspects of life.

I hope that helps, man. I feel for you.

[bi****]

Never feel shame because you know what you like. It's more shameful to not know, or act as though you don't

[no****]

If these things are a key part of who you are, you'll never be happy going vanilla. You'll only bring yourself more unhappiness if you try to *** yourself into a dynamic that doesn't work for you, and your partner will notice that unhappiness and be miserable from it as well.

It is better to be true to yourself about what you want and what you're looking for.

[mi****]

There’s no shame in being a bit kinky as long as it’s consensual and within reason, like no pedophilia or anything like that. As for appearance issues, I get it. You’re a handsome looking man though and you deserve so much more than what your partner was giving you.

[MasterKama23]

Dont beat your self up for being who you are, life is too short to not have your own authentic fulfillement in any relationship. I have come out of a 14 year relationship, which included 12 years marriage, and it ended because my leaning towards bsdm type dynamics. I was labelled in different ways. After extensive therapy and my own over a year of research, i have realized, nothing was wrong with me. My leanings were non vanilla, and its OK. Thats my learning, hope it helps.

[Th****]

Being attracted to someone isn't just about appearance. 

There are many many people who I find physically attractive but still wouldn't ever be attracted *to* them. I peeped your photos and you're adorable. It seems like a matter of incompatibility and that maybe wasn't handled in the best way which can be challenging to work through emotionally sometimes. 

[Ok****]

Mismatched libido is really dang difficult issue to deal with. My nesting partner is vanilla and it took years of up and down work for us to figure out what we needed in our relationship. We went the kitchen-table poly route, but it took a lot of discussion and self learning to get there and it's not right for everyone. For us, the big hurdle was realizing that, yeah, our attractions aren't what they were when we got married, but we still love each other beyond sex. So, we became comfortable enough in our relationship to be able to let us built more relationships with others. It enables us both to get our needs met and it helps us find those people who want to become an extended family.

[Ok****]

Be who you are and those who truly care about you will work to support you just; as you work to support them. Don't let someone else choose your sexual identity. There's other people out there who are like you and got your back.

[Ma****]

You should never be ashamed of who you are, or what you look like.

[mi****]

What a boring b*tch. You deserve better hun simply. Live your life freely and enjoy your bdsm fantasies hun x

[GodofPunishment]

I'm in the same boat you are right now.

[ki****]

Yes nothing wrong with it just some ppl don't like that dynamic. And in order to make them feel good they say there some thing wrong with ppl that like this

[ki****]

My hubsand just walked out on me begining of April been with him almost three years he wasn't into this lifestyle. So I am starting to get my feet wet again so to say

[Kr****]

In life you need to understand you come first, your happiness and well being. Then family and friends. I was told this many years ago( several decades) and it stuck with me. How can you love someone else if you don't love yourself. Truest words to get shot down by a woman.

[Vi****]

I do know what it's like to be in a previous relationship where we were just not sexual compatible. We loved each other very much in every other aspect and remained friends. We both tried to change for each other and it did get very rocky but we looked at it with logic. Everyone say that communication is key in any relationship and I agree with thay but also sexual compatibility is a very close second. I was fortunate that things happened the way they did... but lesson learned and lesson conveyed. Never let anyone hold you back from liking what you like.

[bt****]

just went through exact same thing. it sucked. bad. still sucks. lots of emotions and feelings. shame wasn't one though. No one should have to feel ashamed for what they like.

[my****]

2 hours ago, winterboo said:

Hey, I'm going through a divorce right now. In the beginning of our relationship she said she "loved doing" all the stuff I was into and I really thought she was it. I thought: "Well, holy sh*t. I found my girl!" I was pumped and excited. She was everything I was looking for in and out of the bedroom.

Fast forward 4 years. To bring up she wanted a divorce, she told me that she was never into any of that and that we're not meant for each other partially because of it. So, she hid her feelings from me this whole time and then just expects it to be fine. Months before, she didn't want to do anything at all. Saying she was tired, or she was not in the mood, etc. etc.

When I found all this out and finally got the answer to why she was acting like this (because I tried and tried, but she wouldn't tell me), I felt so much shame and embarrassment. Here I was pouring myself out there, something I'm very private about, to someone who was never genuine about it.

I have been telling myself that liking the stuff I like doesn't define me 100% (she made it sound like that's all I wanted) and that I like what I like. I'm not willing to change that or give it up because I, and you, shouldn't have to. F**king own it. It's part of you. Find someone that is accepting of that, wants to do it, and makes you happy in all aspects of life.

I hope that helps, man. I feel for you.

I’m sorry to hear this. I went through something similar with my first long term sub. In the beginning it was all fun. Then little by little things began to slip away and she would fight and argue with me over basic protocols then the sex tapered off and we went along as a kinky couple with no kink. It turned out she was cheating on me, but I learned that after the fact. For me now, a dead bedroom with no outside factors like stress or family constraints heralds the end of the relationship. Two weeks without your partner initiating sex is a red flag. After a month, it’s time to weigh options.

Sex is an important part of an adult relationship. Without it you’re just roommates who care about each other.

[kimutu72]

You should never be ashamed of who you are, everyone has kinks and curiousities alot just keep them buried. As long as you are happy with yourself be strong and maybe concentrate on yourself, your desires and your kinks

[BrownStar69]

I feel you here. I would love to share something but I may do in cognition. 😂

[Ma****]

Can confirm after a 7 yr vanilla partnership turned into "roommates who care." You can have all the inter and intracommunications skills, best ability to compromise, stick it through hard times, build huge trust, and it still not be enough to remain sexy life mates.

[Qu****]

I feel like many people have reached your same conclusion, no shame in wanting to be your full self

[Oralhog]

Women aren't mainly attracted to looks like men. Women will be with an ugly a** dude and show him off like he is a king. Just because she isn't attracted to you anymore doesn't mean it's your physical appearance. Move on and pick a partner who is a better fit.

[Pe****]

She did you a favor. Now you can both find what you actually desire. And you got time to get solid in the gym, build a small group of bros, get your mental right. This is the start of someone great!

[Sl****]

Sex is a part of the relationship. To be happy in a relationship you also need to be attracted by your partner and sharing the same sex leaning. It's important for everyone to know if you're okay in a vanilla relationship or no, in an open relationship (to get your kinks) or no... For me It's the same than "Do you want kids or not?" Both partners have to be honest with themselves and with the other.

But there is no shame to be kinky.