Honest communication

[Wo****]

My Dom LazyPirate is poly. He is, and always has been, completely honest and upfront about this. When he is with me, or whoever he is with, he gives 100 per cent of his time and attention.

I have only ever known mono relationships so it was, and is, a lot to wrap my head around.

Pirate and i believe that honesty and communication are vital otherwise it just doesn't work. Every question or concern i've had he has reassured me, understood where my head was, and explained stuff.

Recently he started spending more time online here so that whereas before i didn't see him here, i did and it was kinda weird. I couldn't put my finger on it. At the time I was seeing him in a few hours so i talked to him about it. He explained what was happening, he got the app and was catching up on the forum and messages. Mentioned he was chatting to a couple of people. We talked about it, honestly, and i felt totally fine with it. He told me again that he wants me to tell him any niggles i have rather than let them fester. 

Tonight we were chatting, i had a "moment" so i told him. I wasn't sure what it was so we talked. About how i felt about the whole poly/mono thing. That it was ok to have emotions, that it was ok to feel jealous. Poly is new to me. While we were chatting he kept disappearing (not unusual tbf, quite often he will message then need to go off to do something) and that got to me. I told him, i asked if he was talking to someone else. He wasn't. He was doing stuff he normally does, i'd just been "looking" for proof. We had mentioned before how if you look, you'll find "proof" i'd convinced myself he was.

Again, we talked. Again he reassured me not only by telling me it was all ok but by telling me why, explaining everything, that nothing between us would change. 

I have trust issues (my ex shattered my trust) but the paradox is i trust Pirate. Tonight reaffirmed that i'm right to. I now feel cared about, safe and happy about something that "irked" me before.

 

It was hard telling him, i was scared he'd think bugger this, don't need that...

His response to that was "absolutely not" and you know what? I felt the conviction he typed that with.

 

[Ar****]

I have so much love for this. Thank you, wholeheartedly, for sharing ❤

[ey****]

one of the best things about my relationship with my wife is that getting into the kink scene.  Having a form of poly relationship. Playing with and having relationships with others....

is it brought us closer

So there's a lot we talk about.  And sure there are emotions and sometimes there are struggles.  But ultimately we wanted each other at the centre of the relationship and that's brought us closer together.

Just, sometimes,  one of us has someone else contributing to overall happiness. 

[Deleted Member]

For our D/s and exploring the poly side we have both had to develop our emotional intelligence. Just because we are adults still doesn't mean we have worked out our emotions. They are very powerful and complex things. Esp the negative ones in which society doesn't allow us or give a safe space to visit them. Jealousy is a interesting emotion and actually some say that it is the negative energy to energy that's created when sharing some occurs. In our D/s we view jealousy as "The *** of being replaced" if you both can confirm and re-afirm the reason what keeps you together and attracts you both then this should become easier to understand. The *** soon goes and you start to appreciate that love is different between different people and is never the same. Imagine we had a world where we could only have one best friend. And that best friend had to lie or stop being friends because society frowned upon it. When you have other friends no friends are the same. And we love our friends for different qualities. This is the same view in poly.

[Wo****]

  8 hours ago, Redhotchillyfuckers said:

jealousy as "The *** of being replaced" if you both can confirm and re-afirm the reason what keeps you together and attracts you both then this should become easier to understand. The *** soon goes and you start to appreciate that love is different between different people and is never the same. Imagine we had a world where we could only have one best friend. And that best friend had to lie or stop being friends because society frowned upon it. When you have other friends no friends are the same. And we love our friends for different qualities. This is the same view in poly.

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From the depths of my soul, thank you for your post. You hit the nail on the head.

I don't doubt I'll have another wobble at some point but thanks to pirates (And others reassurance) I know I'll be ok x

[Phoenyx]

This is definitely a topic that needs more discussion.  Few seem to realize that, in The Scene, emotions are running on afterburners.  It's part of the allure.  But, with such raw power running freely, things can spin out of control at a moments notice, and become an emotional hell.

I have seen it from more than one side.  My first experience was back in the early 80's, when a community-college classmate invited me to a play session.  She had noticed that I wore a lot of leather, and had assumed that I was a player.  But, I had yet to learn that such a world existed.  Further complicating matters, she was happily married.  Here I was, being invited to play with another man's wife---with his full blessing.  I felt like I was about to stick my hand or foot in a bear trap.  So much could go wrong with this.  Luckily, they both explained the limits involved, and I was eventually able to become comfortable with the idea.

My next great emotional trial seemed to come around 1990, when I began to attend much larger events.  It was like a free-for-all, with people swapping-off at will.  I felt profoundly left-out.  I was still trying to come to grips with my Autism/Asperger's.  More to the point, I still lacked the instinctive ability to read signals.  The emotional *** that I felt was unimaginable.  Luckily, I met folks who saw something in me, and I was able to turn it around.  With their help, I soon taught myself what I needed to know, and the rest is history.

Flash forward a few years, to an incident more in-tune with this discussion.  When I met my wife (now ex-wife) she knew what I was and what I did.  She also knew that I had strict limits on how far I would go in "play".  This helped her to feel more comfortable with the idea.  But then, one evening, at a dungeon event, I got pushed into stepping over my own line.  The incident almost brought my wife to tears.  Later, I told her that whole thing had been just as much of a kick-in-the-gut for me.  She could see my ***, and we were able to put the whole thing behind us.

As for what happened to my wife, she later became involved in ***.  It was the one thing that I couldn't tolerate.

Wow---deja vu!  I swear I've posted this before.

Even now, I get hit with ***ful doubts and "what-if's".  This list will sometimes go quiet, and I will start worrying about what damage I may have caused.  Rationally, I know that it is simply a quiet day.  But then, The Scene is not a very rational milieu (other than obvious safety concerns).

Anyway, I hope that I have been able to add some perspective.

[Deleted Member]

Absolutely love this. Well said and sounds like you 2 are great together x

[LazyPirate]

I’m so open about everything (with the only possible exception being the contents of messages, which whilst I have no issue about what they are, I think there is the respect of privacy allowed to everyone) because otherwise it is cheating rather than a poly lifestyle in my eyes.
 

It’s also been established from the start that I’m also only operating as an interim person due to Bounty’s LTR being located overseas and her permanent plans in the future, but it also doesn’t mean I have carte blanche to sleep/play with anyone and if something does occur or has the potential to develop into something then I will let her know. 

[Wo****]

  1 hour ago, LazyPirate said:

I’m so open about everything (with the only possible exception being the contents of messages, which whilst I have no issue about what they are, I think there is the respect of privacy allowed to everyone) because otherwise it is cheating rather than a poly lifestyle in my eyes.
 

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This is the only reason what we have works so well.

 

  1 hour ago, LazyPirate said:

It’s also been established from the start that I’m also only operating as an interim person due to Bounty’s LTR being located overseas and her permanent plans in the future, but it also doesn’t mean I have carte blanche to sleep/play with anyone and if something does occur or has the potential to develop into something then I will let her know. 

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The patience and reassurance you have shown along with your total honesty and willingness to discuss anything really, really helps.

 

I still have my insecurities but the more you reassure me and help me process how I feel, about everything, the more secure I am becoming.

Redhotchillifuckers hit the nail on the head, I think it was the *** that I'd be replaced. Which is nuts.. again though, you reassured me and I know that's not gonna happen.

Our last few conversations I started off feeling down, or confused, or jealous, or just "off" yet thanks to you, after the conversations, i felt so much better. 😍

 

[Wo****]

So tonight i get a message from a deleted member saying "bounty, i won't be sticking around but you need to know your Dominant is arranging meets."

I immediately chatted to Pirate about it, not because i gave the message any credibility but because we're honest.

He's chatted to a few people, there are possibilities that he will meet. I know this, he hides nothing from me.

Every conversation Pirate has he explains that he's poly and that everyone is aware of what goes on. If Pirate meets someone he'll tell me. 

 

I think we were trolled... and we don't care 😆

[Vandalslut]

Some people!  Nothing better to do than try and make trouble for others.  Good on you, LazyPiratesBounty, for not putting any cred in utter malicious nonsense.

[Wo****]

As much as i am still figuring things out i know with absolute certainity that Pirate is utterly upfront about everything. That's who he is. 

Am i 100pc comfortable with a poly relationship? No. I'm still learning how they work and if they're what i want. Pirate knows this, understands this and helps me understand. Do i get jealous? Yes, of course i do. I've only ever known mono relationships.

I do know that i have never once felt anything less than the most important person in his life when i'm with him and that i can talk to him about anything, and that, that's special.

[Vandalslut]

You're doing great, LP Bounty.  You've got an honest Dom to complement your honest heart.

[LazyPirate]

  6 hours ago, Vandalslut said:

Some people!  Nothing better to do than try and make trouble for others.  Good on you, LazyPiratesBounty, for not putting any cred in utter malicious nonsense.

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I honestly find it more amusing than anything because I chat to people all over the place, and with current partners on an almost daily basis who I will tell if things are developing with anyone new, much the same as if they will with myself (it’s the only way things work otherwise you are cheating).

[Vandalslut]

  38 minutes ago, LazyPirate said:

I honestly find it more amusing than anything because I chat to people all over the place, and with current partners on an almost daily basis who I will tell if things are developing with anyone new, much the same as if they will with myself (it’s the only way things work otherwise you are cheating).

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So true.  The Vandal and I have had people try to make trouble between us - and of course, they don't succeed. Which proves a shed-load of things. 1. They obviously don't know us very well, or they wouldn't waste their efforts. 2. They're showing how malicious they are. 3. They're proving they've got nothing to do all day and all day to do it in.  4. Er - why do it at all? 5. It is funny, I do agree - I think because they're so  bad at it - either smirking or over-dramatising. We agree the best one ever was the Art-Fart I mentioned, I think, in the 'Body Language' thread, who came to me in all deadly and dramatic seriousness to tell me the Vandal was having it away with a local woman.  Which would've been a good trick, since he and another man were sub-contracting for a local independent business and they were together for the entire work-day. When he wasn't working, he was with me,  bar one Friday night each month, which was Rural Fire Service meeting night. So it became a in-house joke for years - the image of his work-mate waiting in the ute while the Vandal had a fif*** minute quickie?  The best part was, he didn't even know who this woman was.  He'd seen her around, but didn't know her name, and had never met her. But apparently, she'd told Art-Fart that she and the Vandal were having a rip-roaring torrid affair and even gave dates and times.  The particularly steamy date she claimed that really had us in stitches was the weekend he WAS on a particularly steamy date  - I ought to know, I was there!

[LazyPirate]

  10 minutes ago, Vandalslut said:

So true.  The Vandal and I have had people try to make trouble between us - and of course, they don't succeed. Which proves a shed-load of things. 1. They obviously don't know us very well, or they wouldn't waste their efforts. 2. They're showing how malicious they are. 3. They're proving they've got nothing to do all day and all day to do it in.  4. Er - why do it at all? 5. It is funny, I do agree - I think because they're so  bad at it - either smirking or over-dramatising. We agree the best one ever was the Art-Fart I mentioned, I think, in the 'Body Language' thread, who came to me in all deadly and dramatic seriousness to tell me the Vandal was having it away with a local woman.  Which would've been a good trick, since he and another man were sub-contracting for a local independent business and they were together for the entire work-day. When he wasn't working, he was with me,  bar one Friday night each month, which was Rural Fire Service meeting night. So it became a in-house joke for years - the image of his work-mate waiting in the ute while the Vandal had a fif*** minute quickie?  The best part was, he didn't even know who this woman was.  He'd seen her around, but didn't know her name, and had never met her. But apparently, she'd told Art-Fart that she and the Vandal were having a rip-roaring torrid affair and even gave dates and times.  The particularly steamy date she claimed that really had us in stitches was the weekend he WAS on a particularly steamy date  - I ought to know, I was there!

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I guess they have nothing better to do so therefore they think ‘let’s cause some trouble’ which if it was a mono thing/me being dishonest about things, then sure I get it, but it’s not

[Wo****]

  22 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

So tonight i get a message from a deleted member saying "bounty, i won't be sticking around but you need to know your Dominant is arranging meets."

I immediately chatted to Pirate about it, not because i gave the message any credibility but because we're honest.

He's chatted to a few people, there are possibilities that he will meet. I know this, he hides nothing from me.

Every conversation Pirate has he explains that he's poly and that everyone is aware of what goes on. If Pirate meets someone he'll tell me. 

 

I think we were trolled... and we don't care 😆

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Later on that night, after we had said goodnight, i got the wobbles so logged in here, Pirate was online. That threw me so i messaged him. Yet again, he reassured me. Explained why he was on here. Pirate, you have infinite patience. He understands why i felt/feel a bit insecure and this is the kicker, he doesn't dismiss my feelings, at all but still manages to show me that they're not necessary.

This morning we chatted and he told me that he'd messaged someone who had questions about poly stuff. That cemented it for me, he had absolutely no reason to tell me but he did.

I'm not gonna lie, this isn't easy, there are a lot of conflicting emotions and recent events are making me evaluate a lot of things but the more i learn, the less insecure i become.

It helps that not once has he been impatient with me.

My past influenced me to be suspicious, and yes i am. I see him online and my default is to think of all the negative things that might mean. Then it hit me.... he's either reading stuff on here, posting stuff, or messaging someone. All of which, if they affect me in any way at any stage, he'll tell me. 

Seeing him soon too, that'll help. Kinda know in the flesh that it's aĺl ok. Which it is. In fact, it's absolutely ok.

 

 

[Wo****]

Part of it is, i think, that i am a very emotional person, Pirate less so, so it means i can unload all this emotion onto him and he can just absorb it, and make me feel good about it.

I had/have so much *** still,  and Pirate is wheedling it out of me with every stroke and lash of his whips. With every question he answers. With every hug, and with his unending honesty.

 

[Deleted Member]

  2 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Later on that night, after we had said goodnight, i got the wobbles so logged in here, Pirate was online. That threw me so i messaged him. Yet again, he reassured me. Explained why he was on here. Pirate, you have infinite patience. He understands why i felt/feel a bit insecure and this is the kicker, he doesn't dismiss my feelings, at all but still manages to show me that they're not necessary.

This morning we chatted and he told me that he'd messaged someone who had questions about poly stuff. That cemented it for me, he had absolutely no reason to tell me but he did.

I'm not gonna lie, this isn't easy, there are a lot of conflicting emotions and recent events are making me evaluate a lot of things but the more i learn, the less insecure i become.

It helps that not once has he been impatient with me.

My past influenced me to be suspicious, and yes i am. I see him online and my default is to think of all the negative things that might mean. Then it hit me.... he's either reading stuff on here, posting stuff, or messaging someone. All of which, if they affect me in any way at any stage, he'll tell me. 

Seeing him soon too, that'll help. Kinda know in the flesh that it's aĺl ok. Which it is. In fact, it's absolutely ok.

 

 

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been there, it gets easier

[Wo****]

It's already getting easier.

I think my *** stemmed from the fact that Pirate and I have been able to spend a lot of time together and shared so much. I was afraid we'd lose that. The opposite is true as it turns out, this whole thing is having a positive effect on me. The poly thing still may prove not to be what I want but it's showing me that it's not just someone "being greedy" it's someone who has a lot of love to give to people, and I feel incredibly lucky that I'm one of them.

I knew very little about poly relationships so yeah, I had some issues, all of which have been and are being dealt with by Pirate with patience, honesty and love.

 

[Wo****]

@Fredddy Meeting you was absolutely wonderful. Everything you've done and said is helping me understand how all this could work. 

I've never really experienced a poly relationship so this is a learning curve for me. How i feel about you, and Pirate is different, i share different things with you both. That you get what i'm feeling because you feel it never occured to me before and it's given me a new perspective.

@LazyPirate What can i say? You enrich my life, i'm glad you're in it.

[Deleted Member]

Well I’m just the newcomer round here. To this site and to your relationship dynamics, at least. Thank you for inviting me into your life, Bounty. I’m still in awe of you and feel very privileged to have met you. But thank you for your gracious sentiments.

I’ve written before somewhere on the forum post about the fact that the Greeks had six different words at least for love. There’s different types of love for different situations. So the love you will feel for a sexual partner is very different than that you would feel for your ***, for example. I remember having a conversation many years ago with a trusted friend where we discussed the complications of love. We both agreed, in the end, that it’s perfectly possible to love two people equally as much, but for completely different reasons. Different people have different attributes and characteristics, and the partners to these people can receive completely different benefits from their relationships with them.

I think also, though, that the same person never has the same experience with two different partners. Different dynamics work differently with different people. from my experience, I have to say that the most rewarding relationships I’ve ever had have required the most amount of work. I was in a relationship many many years ago with a lady that was most definitely my soulmate at that time. What we shared was incredible and I’ve mentioned before on here about the out of body experience that I enjoyed. But that relationship was very hard to keep going and required an immense amount of work. It was definitely high maintenance! If your relationships are easy and you don’t have to work hard at them, it’s very easy for them to become stale and you will quickly revert to vanilla as the default. I’ve come to the conclusion that one way or another, you have to work very hard at a relationship that’s exciting and interesting to you for it to stay that way. It may be that one of the partners has a fiery temper and the other has to give a lot because of that, or it may be that you are separated by some distance and one of the partners has to make a great effort to travel to see the other person. Or it may be something completely different, but whatever it is, the best relationships, in my opinion and experience are those that require both parties to work hard at them.
having a dynamic where a relationship is “open“ or one partner informs the other right at the start that they are poly, brings about a whole new set of challenges for one’s emotions. It takes a special kind of person to be able to cope with all of that and not feel at least some sort of jealousy.

I’m quite relaxed with the fact that Bounty and others that I’ve enjoyed play sessions with have other partners, indeed, I too have another partner on a full-time basis: my wife. But it’s kind of weird that I feel a little jealousy over Bounty when she speaks about Pirate, even though it’s not a nasty or vindictive jealousy. And yet in my own head, it’s perfectly okay for me to spend time with a play partner and then go home to my wife! Why is that? What is the dynamic that is going on in one’s head that allows it to be okay one way, but you feel jealous if it’s the other?

So I think it takes time to get to a point in your life where you’re really comfortable with who you are, being happy with the skin you’re in, being relaxed about partners having other partners and all of those things. It’s natural to feel some sort of jealousy even after you reach this level of peace and acceptance. I certainly do, but it’s not nasty. and we come round full circle to the whole point of this thread: honest communication. Having good communication with everybody, keeping everybody informed is the key to not letting things turn sour or nasty, I think.

I’m not going to go into details here publicly, but it seems highly likely that at some point in the not too distant future, I will get to meet Pirate in person and we will have amazingly different perspectives to share with each other, hopefully all to the benefit of us all, including Bounty. I’m really looking forward to it…!

 

[Deleted Member]

Further to all that I wrote earlier on, I had a very long chat with Bounty on the phone tonight and we covered a huge amount of ground. The result of this hour and a half conversation is that we are both in a much better place now than we were earlier on today and we have both reached a point where there is acceptance, understanding and peace.

A week has gone by since our liaison and so many questions that had arisen needed to be answered. There was part of our activities that were just a blur to me, because I disappeared into some sub space place that I’ve never been before. So Bounty was able to fill me in on the details and explain what had happened and how, because I just couldn’t remember. To discuss and relive some of the events has been incredibly the***utic. And it’s been an affirmation for me, hearing from her how she felt about the whole situation. To know that what we shared is important to her, as it is to me.
We discussed the fact that everything that we’ve written about this on this forum is very much playing out a real life scenario in public for all to view, something of a soap opera, almost. But it is a catharsis for us and an inspiration for others. I know this, because others have told me directly that it’s so good to read about this and it helps them to understand the dynamics, as they themselves have had similar situations that they have played out. So if this helps others, then so much the better.

 

[Vandalslut]

When it's real, real events, real people, real feelings...it's no soap opera, Fredddy.

[LazyPirate]

Bounty just wants me to let anyone who has been messaging her on here that she’s taking a few days out, as with a few things that have happened in terms of accusations from others and what-have-you, she is taking a bit of a break but she will be back next week

Edited December 26, 2019 by LazyPirate