I am a new Dom and I accept that

[Deleted Member]

Today after receiving a very hot nude from a women I saw she had mentioned being a brat on her profile. She was acting bratty and told me to come fuck her because all I was saying was all talk.. it was hot for a second and then I went and voice messaged her how the girls I talk to will respect me and then I degraded her. I think I called her a little brat slut and told her how I would fuck her and her mouth and she responded really negatively. And said we had not talked about *** and haven't talked about things that could bring trauma. She then went on to say I had issues and that I just wanted to cyber bully women and I'm a fake Dom. So I guess I am just looking for some feed back and to also not be a fake Dom... Because I want to be a healthy real dom. Thanks if you read all the way through .. anything feedback helps, just know I was doing what I thought she would like as she said come fuck me in all caps before ...

[Re****]

Many women are make believe sluts/whores be careful in who you confide in! You maybe a New Dom but you need to be more confident, you can’t come across being a sissy if you are a Dom! I’m a true slut/whore who is actually frightened of my Master especially when he gets mad but I do look up to him and literally need his continuous guidance. He may not be able to handle me but I would be “Lost without him”! You Need to be Strong, Show that you are a True Master- Stop paying attention to these wannabe Brats! Always Video chat your prospective sluts/brats to make sure they are real, they have to stay on the video chat for at least 3-5 minutes! Good Luck!

[ge****]

So, you received a "hot nude" from a "woman"

[ge****]

Pressed send to early...ignore the above!!

So, you received a "hot nude" from a "woman" and a provocative message, and went straight to trying to dominate her without any discussion, negotiation, or understanding her limits? And did so without establishing "she" was genuinely a woman?
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Does that sound about right?
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If so, then I'm not at all surprised what happened happened!! You made assumptions and jumped to all kinds of conclusions and went in all guns blazing.
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Firstly, you should have checked she was genuinely who she said she was.
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Secondly and more importantly you should have had a level conversation with her to establish her limits and boundaries, likes, dislikes and what she was looking for etc.
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Thirdly having done all that you should have checked she event wanted to be "dominated" by you - until the point she says she does, you're not her Dom, and she's not your sub!!
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Basically you got *everything* wrong!!!

[CopperKnob]

Yeah, a big learning curve for you.

Not everyone here is into D/s. BDSM is a huge umbrella term.
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As Gemini said, you did no groundwork before you went in all guns blazing, at least from your description of what occurred.
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Yeah, she shouldn't have sent a, what appears to be, an unsolicited nude to a stranger. But, what if I decided to 'dominant' (quoted because that's not what you did) to every male that's sent me a dick pic? I'm guessing it wouldn't go down well for everyone.
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You also need to learn about what and who brats are (as does she from the sounds of it) and why they may brat.
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Rather than "think" or assume how others want to be treated from your misunderstanding of BDSM, learn about it from reputable sources and each person as an individual.

[CopperKnob]

Looking at your profile and realising that you also posted the OP re co-dependency, I'd suggest you stop interacting with anyone in a BDSM context until you actually know who you are and what it is you want from BDSM.

[Lo****]

19 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Pressed send to early...ignore the above!!

So, you received a "hot nude" from a "woman" and a provocative message, and went straight to trying to dominate her without any discussion, negotiation, or understanding her limits? And did so without establishing "she" was genuinely a woman?
.
Does that sound about right?
.
If so, then I'm not at all surprised what happened happened!! You made assumptions and jumped to all kinds of conclusions and went in all guns blazing.
.
Firstly, you should have checked she was genuinely who she said she was.
.
Secondly and more importantly you should have had a level conversation with her to establish her limits and boundaries, likes, dislikes and what she was looking for etc.
.
Thirdly having done all that you should have checked she event wanted to be "dominated" by you - until the point she says she does, you're not her Dom, and she's not your sub!!
.
Basically you got *everything* wrong!!!

All of this from a woman’s perspective and someone who is a brat at times.

#1 hard pass on trying to Dom right off the bat. However, since she had already sent a nude I can see how lines can get muddled.

#2 Discussions are very important. I had a very traumatic experience with an ex who failed to communicate his kinks properly. I felt ***d and pushed. Now I know how to advocate for myself and I'm not afraid to.

#3 Use this as a learning experience. If the vibe isn't right, don't play.

#4 As degradee, I make sure to tell any Dom in discussion that if he were to call me a slut or use an aggressive tone, I personally require more after care where they recognize I'm a person. Please note that I don't expect an apology for these words, just affirmation (I’d ask for more in person).

I had an online relationship with a Dom for months. We regularly discussed consent, paused for temperature checks, talked outside of play, and debriefed as aftercare.

When you find the right partner, it’s eye opening.

[jo****]

One thing that screams red flag, you don't just claim being a Dom... that is a title you haven't earned. When you have a submissive, and you have earned that right by being a M.A.N. (Meets All Needs) that's emotionally, spiritually, mentally, monetarily, and physically to the god damn best of your ability that's when a Submissive GIVES you their Submission. If you have to *** it, or take it, it's not submission... it's ***... there are WAY too many fake doms on here who seen 50 shades and want to degrade and *** women because they don't understand and think it's cool. Those are B.O.Y.s (Burden On You) these are people who drain your bank account, use the submissive for their pleasure and leave then wanting, *** them for their own sadistic pleasures, you feel emotionally. Mentally, and spiritually drained just by interacting with them. In conclusion I would say you need to take a step back, and get a better understanding of the lifestyle, as it's very welcoming but extremely unforgiving. You don't want to cause trauma because you were nieve and ignorant due to a lack of education on the subject. Please don't take this as a personal attack, when I started in this lifestyle I made damn near every mistake there was. The best advice I can give you is find a local lifestyle group (club, munch, group, ect.) And find a mentor. Someone with a long term submissive, and see if they can mentor you in the lifestyle. I promise, you will run into this a lot less often.

[Wy****]

Glad you are posting and reflecting on the situation. Definitely something that should be applauded. There’s some good advice above to take into consideration, the only thing I’d suggest at this point is to really take a step back and figure out what it is that you want. Are you looking for a quick kinky fuck where you can just call someone a few names and call it a night or are you a Dom (in training) that is looking for a sub. If you are looking for a submissive, do you want someone that sends nude pics to random guys?

Just be honest with yourself with what you want, if you are looking for quick fixes you are likely to attract/come into contact with people that are different than if you are looking for a something/someone that takes more time or effort.

[adrenalina75]

2 hours ago, Real5819 said:

Many women are make believe sluts/whores be careful in who you confide in! You maybe a New Dom but you need to be more confident, you can’t come across being a sissy if you are a Dom! I’m a true slut/whore who is actually frightened of my Master especially when he gets mad but I do look up to him and literally need his continuous guidance. He may not be able to handle me but I would be “Lost without him”! You Need to be Strong, Show that you are a True Master- Stop paying attention to these wannabe Brats! Always Video chat your prospective sluts/brats to make sure they are real, they have to stay on the video chat for at least 3-5 minutes! Good Luck!

OP your sub does not need to be frightened of you. That’s absurd.

[ey****]

yep - the simple

you jumped into play (the voice note with *** etc) before discussing likes/limits or having an established dynamic

some may have found that hot if it is what they are into - but it was a gamble that disregarded potential boundaries 

[Pe****]

BDSM in 2024 is summed up in one word "fake". Everyone accuses everyone of being "fake". If someone does not meet someone else's expectations, the logical conclusion is not "we are not a match" but instead the other is "fake". In addition, the Gen X and Gen Z generations, "the so-called snowflakes on the blue planet", have not learned to socialize and communicate, due to, among other things, a screen addiction. Without good communication (cause) there is no thorough vetting (effect).

[ch****]

I would say well done for owning what’s happened, does sound like a bit of a fuck up your end but we’ve all been there and anyone who denies that is talking shite. I’m a Dom, less in training now but still learning. The best thing to do is as above, take a few steps back, try a little kindness and light flirtation? Don’t go straight to degrading with out consent, (consent is key!) and ensuring that they are into that kind of thing. Now, I mean after someone’s being bratty and pushing and pushing, it’s understandable. But take a slower approach my friend. Don’t jump the gun, I doubt you have any actual issues and I don’t actually feel it was cyber bullying, a big misunderstanding but 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.. she shouldn’t have pushed, and you shouldn’t have gone into degrading so quickly. Hope this is coming across as constructive and not negative 😬

[ms****]

It seems like there is a lot of feedback from men. So I figured I’d put my two cents in as well. Coming from a woman’s perspective. Before anything else people are very complicated. There’s always some kind of trauma associated that you may or may not be aware of.

Based on your message, it seems like your intention was not to trigger anything traumatic in this young woman. So I must give you kudos for acknowledging that that wasn’t your intent.

Sometimes I feel that when I hear about Dom ‘s it is only the idea of them getting exactly what they want from a woman. And often times they forget that they are also responsible for that woman or person that they’re engaging with rather. This person is allowing you to experience them in capacities that you get to decide. You are allowed access to them to fulfill your fantasies. However, before that truly can be accomplished you do need to understand who that person is. Based on what you wrote that you got excited at the opportunity to fulfill some of your desires. Which there is nothing wrong with. However, in your excitement, you perhaps forgot to make sure that she was OK with that.

Also hearing it through someone’s voice versus just a text carries so much more power. It’s intimate and hearing strong words from someone you have not met yet to a woman can be intimidating. Based on her perspective you haven’t even earned the place to degrade her in such a manner.

I hope this was helpful to you. Just remember as the Dom you do indeed lead. However, being the leader means that you need to study your subject. Especially if you’re looking for something healthy.

[adrenalina75]

I also would like to say that the woman (brat) didn’t seek consent before bratting either, so she’s equally in the wrong.

[Th****]

2 hours ago, adrenalina75 said:

I also would like to say that the woman (brat) didn’t seek consent before bratting either, so she’s equally in the wrong.

*If* she was even actually bratting, then yes. However I see way too many people calling a spunky personality "bratting" as well as from the other side people calling themselves a brat when they're just rude.

Without knowing exactly all the details we can't really pass judgment in either direction. 

[adrenalina75]

8 minutes ago, ThaliaV said:

*If* she was even actually bratting, then yes. However I see way too many people calling a spunky personality "bratting" as well as from the other side people calling themselves a brat when they're just rude.

Without knowing exactly all the details we can't really pass judgment in either direction. 

If she was just being rude, that still makes her in the wrong though.

[De****]

Do you know what you want out of a BDSM relationship? That would be the first question to answer. You may not know right now, it’s a work in progress. Once you find that, I would suggest you vet. Which means, among other things, getting to know each other, discuss limits and boundaries, talk about what you both like, giving feedback on scenes. Nothing works without lots of frank and open conversation. Trust, respect, communication.

[ey****]

4 hours ago, adrenalina75 said:

I also would like to say that the woman (brat) didn’t seek consent before bratting either, so she’s equally in the wrong.

depends on how we define 'acting bratty' when this may have been a perception based on him reading this in her profile.  

[Deleted Member]

*** and bratting are both things you would discuss with a potential before entering a dynamic with them. So for me in my rules I'm not allowed to brat at 5.30am or before Sir has had his coffee and he has certain rules he has to follow when it comes to degrading me. I think personally from reading your post your mistake is don't engage with anyone even in word play if you are not at the stage of using honourifics with them, and of course make sure you've vetted them as much as possible and also do your research on sub frenzy too. Wish you all the best in your search

[Po****]

You got trolled, it was probably a man. Don’t take anyone here too seriously.

[qu****]

Oh lordy. All the stuff above making my head spin. Some good stuff mixed in there tho. Ultimately there is a whole lot of communication that should happen before someone does dominant or submissive actions, including bratting and degredation. Errybody wants to skip the boring, dry steps. But they are where maturity in this community is. Because we have learned to pause and not just jump in head first. Too much of this stuff can be traumatizing or harmful if we don’t know each other well and establish a strong communication pattern. And it’s on the dominant caregiver figure to lead that (but the submissive role has responsibilities there as well).

[qu****]

It can be helpful to mentor with a more experienced dominant.

[Deleted Member]

Wow thank you all for all the advice I love this community

[do****]

20 hours ago, johnholmes2001 said:

One thing that screams red flag, you don't just claim being a Dom... that is a title you haven't earned. When you have a submissive, and you have earned that right by being a M.A.N. (Meets All Needs) that's emotionally, spiritually, mentally, monetarily, and physically to the god damn best of your ability that's when a Submissive GIVES you their Submission. If you have to *** it, or take it, it's not submission... it's ***... there are WAY too many fake doms on here who seen 50 shades and want to degrade and *** women because they don't understand and think it's cool. Those are B.O.Y.s (Burden On You) these are people who drain your bank account, use the submissive for their pleasure and leave then wanting, *** them for their own sadistic pleasures, you feel emotionally. Mentally, and spiritually drained just by interacting with them. In conclusion I would say you need to take a step back, and get a better understanding of the lifestyle, as it's very welcoming but extremely unforgiving. You don't want to cause trauma because you were nieve and ignorant due to a lack of education on the subject. Please don't take this as a personal attack, when I started in this lifestyle I made damn near every mistake there was. The best advice I can give you is find a local lifestyle group (club, munch, group, ect.) And find a mentor. Someone with a long term submissive, and see if they can mentor you in the lifestyle. I promise, you will run into this a lot less often.

Love the acronyms 👍🏿