Finding myself

[ot****]

I’ve been doing a lot of deep soul searching for well over a year now… much, much longer when I think about it, yet in the past twelve months I’ve been putting things into action which has helped me begin to open up to myself and others about who I really am and what I need from life.

At 45, I realize I’ve been unhappy for a long time. Following a path that society expects from us – get an education, find a partner, settle down, start a family… I have two *** and I love them more than anything, but in order to be the best dad I can be, I need to be at peace with who I am, I need to be happy with who I am.

I’ve always been drawn to sex, sexuality, intimate human connection, then later as I began to explore my desires, realized I was interested in things that I assumed or felt were wrong because of what I heard and was being told. A desire for all genders, to be open to my femininity as well as my masculinity, a need for kink, to control, to submit, to inflict and receive *** with pleasure, to humiliate and be humiliated, to feel safe and held… and even more. These desires aren’t wrong, they just don’t fit societies mold. I felt, and still feel, shame around the way I am, the way I feel, the things I want, and that’s made me unhappy, it’s made me angry. I’ve had enough. Enough of feeling ashamed, enough of not being able to talk freely about what I want. Because I’ve realized I need all this in my life.

What does that look like? It’s taken over ten years but I’m reaching a point where I’m beginning to understand. Right now I’m trying to be as honest with myself as possible in order to take full control of my life and that starts with being true to my desires. They’re not just desires, they’re part of who I am. We often talk about “the lifestyle”, and I realize now the importance of that. I want to live the lifestyle. I want to be the sexual deviant I know I am and not feel ashamed. I’m also a kind, caring, loving and romantic person, and I know it’s perfectly fine to be all of the above.

I’ve had three long term dynamics, where I’ve been the dominant, the caregiver, the sadist, the daddy. These are all roles I enjoy but they don’t always come naturally to me. I’ve not had opportunity to fully explore my submissive side, and I’m missing the balance. Ultimately these relationships have shown me it’s one of the most intimate connections two people can have. Yet, two people isn’t enough for me.

Recently I met someone very similar to myself who helped me realize I need the balance between being the one in control and the one who submits. I enjoy both sides far too much. I also need to be able to flirt and tease and play with multiple different people, exploring multiple different kinks and desires. But the romantic in me needs there to be one who stands above all others. One who shares in this journey, this life. One who knows me intimately and will keep me safe as I keep them safe. Who will talk to me and keep my jealousy at bay because they love me as I love them. This level of complexity shouldn’t be taken lightly, emotions can and will run high and we need to be able to talk about them without *** of shame. I need that safe space to always return to.

Will I find this? I thought I had, but it seems that’s not to be. One thing’s for certain, I will not live a lie anymore and I’ll be working hard to find the life I need and the person to share it with.