What makes a good Dom?

[DeviantInside]

15 minutes ago, GoodDaddy4GoodGirl said:

I think that perhaps we're intertwining things of different nature but calling them the same. And because everyone likes something different, I think that can cause confusion. There have been some comments made that brats can be submissive. Of course they can they can be brought sometimes and submissive at other times and of course there is lots of fun to be had for people who like disciplining brats. But not all submissives want to be brats and not all doms want to have Brats. I think it's important that when we all have these discussions and learn from each other that we keep in mind that we're coming from our place and our perspective but we're talking to a huge audience with each person having a different perspective. My post simply talked about the fact that when a submissive is acting submissive, then it makes sense that they are submissive. And it's not just important about what they say, but how they say it. It is huge.

Ok I think I mostly agree. I would argue that (generally) brat is just a different branch of submissive and that the idea of a “true” submissive is every bit as fallacious as a “true” Dom. But that was kinda the main point. I am NOT a good Dom for people that enjoy bratting. I don’t respond in the ways that would be reciprocal. I find it tiresome when someone spends time thinking of ways to get round things I have spent time and effort thinking of. For me I think it would be better to put that same effort into making it better for both of us. But… that’s me. For others that’s exactly what they want. They love that back and forth and mental challenge. Both are completely valid.

[DeviantInside]

16 minutes ago, GoodDaddy4GoodGirl said:

I think that perhaps we're intertwining things of different nature but calling them the same. And because everyone likes something different, I think that can cause confusion. There have been some comments made that brats can be submissive. Of course they can they can be brought sometimes and submissive at other times and of course there is lots of fun to be had for people who like disciplining brats. But not all submissives want to be brats and not all doms want to have Brats. I think it's important that when we all have these discussions and learn from each other that we keep in mind that we're coming from our place and our perspective but we're talking to a huge audience with each person having a different perspective. My post simply talked about the fact that when a submissive is acting submissive, then it makes sense that they are submissive. And it's not just important about what they say, but how they say it. It is huge.

I do completely agree that it is important that we talk and discuss these ideas though… if we never challenge our ideas we never grow or learn.

[NaughtyRuff]

35 minutes ago, GoodDaddy4GoodGirl said:

I think that perhaps we're intertwining things of different nature but calling them the same. And because everyone likes something different, I think that can cause confusion. There have been some comments made that brats can be submissive. Of course they can they can be brought sometimes and submissive at other times and of course there is lots of fun to be had for people who like disciplining brats. But not all submissives want to be brats and not all doms want to have Brats. I think it's important that when we all have these discussions and learn from each other that we keep in mind that we're coming from our place and our perspective but we're talking to a huge audience with each person having a different perspective. My post simply talked about the fact that when a submissive is acting submissive, then it makes sense that they are submissive. And it's not just important about what they say, but how they say it. It is huge.

Um no I'm not intertwining anything ... your statement was clear as my response is clear.

"We see for example on this site thousands of women claiming to be submissives, littles, etc. But the truth is that on the majority of those profiles, they also claim to be Brats. Can a individual truly be a submissive while also being a brat, acting out, refusing to submit?"

[Co****]

Tuesday at 09:23 AM, FatefulDestiny said:

There are many, many things I want to pick up on in this post however I’m tired and just finished nights short so I shall come back to the majority of it.

 What I NEEDED to say is that masculinity is NOT a/the problem it is toxic masculinity that causes problems. There is a very significant difference between the two. 

Reading through this thread THAT needed to be pointed out!
It is the perceived “Masculine programming” that mandates certain men to think that they have the mandated right to exert dominance and Controlling and entitlement behaviour's in all aspects of life inc. over women. Is the toxic masculinity all us “angry feminists” scream about
Unlike the D/s “Daddy/Dom” role of the person who made the comment - it is “masculine role” that is ***d upon not agreed upon.

On the topic of masculinity:

I am a dom female who (“quoting from response”) “enjoys being a woman“ I also enjoy male subs!
Can submissive men “exude masculinity”?
Yes of course they can and they are not hard to find.
Does that make them “feminised”?
No of course it does not.

“Feminisation of men” I could take this to a broader worldly comment but I’ll keep it in the context of kink.
If a man identifies as a “sissy sub” then that’s a personal choice though not appealing to me, it will be for another dom.

Back to the original OP, I agree with the opinion. I have been in the game a long time and no 2 subs or my encounters (good and not sometimes not so) are alike.

Back to the topic of Feminism….

[NaughtyRuff]

The basics are what makes a good Dom .. has nothing to do with the way they perform the role or the style in which they Dominate but everything to do with the fundamental basics ... 

Communication - clearly identifies what they are after and NEVER uses communication as a weapon or punishment!

Trust - builds this and never expects it comes easily, for without trust there is no submission

Honesty - I'm not talking white lies saying you woke up at 0800 when it was really 0810 ... im talking proper honesty! Again without this you can't have trust 

Respect - not just for the submissive but for the relationship, whatever type that is. And most importantly respect for themself, so very hard to find these days 

 

Edited August 22 by NaughtyRuff

[Go****]

3 minutes ago, NaughtyRuff said:

The basics are what makes a good Dom .. has nothing to do with the way the perform the role or the style in which they Dominate but everything to do with the fundamental basics ... 

Communication - clearly identifies what they are after and NEVER uses communication as a weapon or punishment!

Trust - builds this and never expects it comes easily, for without trust there is no submission

Honesty - I'm not talking white lies saying you woke up at 0800 when it was really 0810 ... im talking proper honesty! Again without this you can't have trust 

Respect - not just for the submissive but for the relationship, whatever type that is. And most importantly respect for themself, so very hard to find these days 

 

Yep. It starts with good communication. It's what makes a good Dom and it's what makes a good sub. To be honest, that's what makes any good relationship and any good friendship. When we communicate in a way that is received well by the other party. Through that good communication, notwithstanding nefarious acts, trust and respect will be built

[DeviantInside]

3 minutes ago, NaughtyRuff said:

The basics are what makes a good Dom .. has nothing to do with the way the perform the role or the style in which they Dominate but everything to do with the fundamental basics ... 

Communication - clearly identifies what they are after and NEVER uses communication as a weapon or punishment!

Trust - builds this and never expects it comes easily, for without trust there is no submission

Honesty - I'm not talking white lies saying you woke up at 0800 when it was really 0810 ... im talking proper honesty! Again without this you can't have trust 

Respect - not just for the submissive but for the relationship, whatever type that is. And most importantly respect for themself, so very hard to find these days 

 

This. What makes a good Dom (in my ever so not so humble and egotistical opinion)) are the same things that makes a good Domme. Same for sub. Masculine and feminine are irrelevant.

[Se****]

32 minutes ago, Coco_De_Leche said:

Reading through this thread THAT needed to be pointed out!
It is the perceived “Masculine programming” that mandates certain men to think that they have the mandated right to exert dominance and Controlling and entitlement behaviour's in all aspects of life inc. over women. Is the toxic masculinity all us “angry feminists” scream about
Unlike the D/s “Daddy/Dom” role of the person who made the comment - it is “masculine role” that is ***d upon not agreed upon.

On the topic of masculinity:

I am a dom female who (“quoting from response”) “enjoys being a woman“ I also enjoy male subs!
Can submissive men “exude masculinity”?
Yes of course they can and they are not hard to find.
Does that make them “feminised”?
No of course it does not.

“Feminisation of men” I could take this to a broader worldly comment but I’ll keep it in the context of kink.
If a man identifies as a “sissy sub” then that’s a personal choice though not appealing to me, it will be for another dom.

Back to the original OP, I agree with the opinion. I have been in the game a long time and no 2 subs or my encounters (good and not sometimes not so) are alike.

Back to the topic of Feminism….

I was planning to come back to everything else I wanted to say however I couldn’t be bothered with (what I presumed) would likely end in an argument with the person who posted the comment (not the OP). Sometimes it simply feels to draining to try 🤷🏼‍♀️

[DeviantInside]

5 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I was planning to come back to everything else I wanted to say however I couldn’t be bothered with (what I presumed) would likely end in an argument with the person who posted the comment (not the OP). Sometimes it simply feels to draining to try 🤷🏼‍♀️

Entirely valid. It is a community. And you are only responsible for you. I post infrequently and only if I feel I have something to add that isn’t rehashing thing and only if I have the capacity to do so. So fully support “if it it feels draining… don’t”.

[NaughtyRuff]

1 hour ago, GoodDaddy4GoodGirl said:

Yep. It starts with good communication. It's what makes a good Dom and it's what makes a good sub. To be honest, that's what makes any good relationship and any good friendship. When we communicate in a way that is received well by the other party. Through that good communication, notwithstanding nefarious acts, trust and respect will be built

Exactly the point ... some how the misconception of what BDSM relationships are these days is misguided when in reality they are simply a normal friendship / relationship between the parties involved. Technically a "vanilla" relationship is still somewhat a D/s one as there is always some form of power exchange which is the true nature of D/s. There is rarely a completely equal relationship. The only difference between a vanilla relationship and a D/s relationship is level of kink and fetishes that are engaged. Hence the term Bondage & Discipline / Dominance & Submission /  SadoMasochism = BD DS SM or BDSM 

Edited August 22 by NaughtyRuff

[CopperKnob]

9 hours ago, DeviantInside said:

I love the discussion of feminism. And although it was a male derived term I like egalitarianism (for all its faults). It’s about being equal… or rather equally valued with being expected to have the same qualities. As a woman or feminist you should absolutley want to support those that have the capacity and drive to explore the traditionally “male” realms… and we know that so much only exists because women have… but it should also be supported if women want to fulfil supposedly “traditional roles”. Both are valid. As they should be for men. Bother are every bit as important regardless of who fulfills them. Sub Dom Male Female NB Switch all have something to offer which isn’t the same but equally valid… everyone you ever meet has something to offer that you have never experienced and can learn from.

I'm not sure that I said anything contrary to that?
What I said was, it's shocking that there are some that do not believe that feminism and submission can be/are mutually exclusive because, the whole premise of feminism is that everyone, regardless of gender or protected characteristics, have the same opportunities and choices.
.
For me, the difficulty with egalitarianism (because it does have its faults, just like any of the social theories) is that it does nothing to challenge pre existing inequalities/injustices and so, when people and their circumstances differ, because they do, we dont all have the same qualities, there has to be a trade off between treating people equally and treating them as equals.
The analogy of giving everyone the same height box to enable them to look over a fence regardless as to their height is a good example. Whilst they were treated equally by receiving the same thing, they weren't treated as equals by taking a person centred approach and considering individual needs. As a consequence, they do not all achieve the same outcome of being able to look over said fence.

[DeviantInside]

6 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

I'm not sure that I said anything contrary to that?
What I said was, it's shocking that there are some that do not believe that feminism and submission can be/are mutually exclusive because, the whole premise of feminism is that everyone, regardless of gender or protected characteristics, have the same opportunities and choices.
.
For me, the difficulty with egalitarianism (because it does have its faults, just like any of the social theories) is that it does nothing to challenge pre existing inequalities/injustices and so, when people and their circumstances differ, because they do, we dont all have the same qualities, there has to be a trade off between treating people equally and treating them as equals.
The analogy of giving everyone the same height box to enable them to look over a fence regardless as to their height is a good example. Whilst they were treated equally by receiving the same thing, they weren't treated as equals by taking a person centred approach and considering individual needs. As a consequence, they do not all achieve the same outcome of being able to look over said fence.

I think we are pretty much saying the same thing. That’s what I meant by equally valued but not the same.

[ja****]

What makes a good Dom in my opinion, good at what? Training, play, socially? So many facets to address in this question.
A good Dom in my opinion is able to lead and at the same time listen, should be stern and also will show compassion, sets boundaries and also knows when to make changes where the line is, Can communicate and at the same time make a safe space for there partners to do the same, understands the rules set fourth and does not waiver on making sure they are followed, Never ever raises there hand out of anger, is very much a leader but always remembers to be polite and courteous, so many more to add.
But one of my rules I live by, Good Dom or top will always leave there partner wanting/craving more. By this I mean if it’s a play date, a social interaction or private time with a partner. When that interaction has come to a end there partner wants more

[Deleted Member]

As a submissive, what I value in my D is communication, understanding, being a good leader, pay attention to my *** sides and to not use them against me (unless there is consent ofcourse). Someone who doesn't ghost but can be open when they are going through their own challenges.

[Di****]

A good Dom is good at articulating to the sub is doing and can reprimand accordingly.
But if the sub is doing a great job listening about exceeding expectations to give praise.

Clear instructions basically