Newbie’s question

[Pi****]

Unless you have experience or knowledge, it would be better to have someone to talk to and get ideas from. Someone could just bs their way and have you doing anything and everything and say this is the way things are done and you would have no idea. Knowledge is power. Don't let anyone take advantage of you. Know your worth.

[TP****]

I would suggest you make platonic friends, at least one or two, before you go looking for either a D or an s. There’s a lot of people who like to call themselves something that they’re not and a friend or two with some more experience than you can help you make better, safer connections than you might otherwise find on your own, especially when you’re brand new.

[ba****]

I believe friends in the lifestyle is important, particularly if you are new, someone to bounce ideas off and to discuss your interactions with.

[Ro****]

Build platonic first, get informed on potentials. Check out munches and such. You may find your dom within. Until then educate yourself

[am****]

Thank for all your helpful responses. I see that some of you mentioned reading up on things are there any books you recommend? I’ve read a couple but I wouldn’t mind more to read before I go further into any kinks. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m interested in trying so I’m all for whatever knowledge I can gain.

[Ki****]

It is not important to have friends in the community if that’s not something that you want. It is important to educate yourself. You need to feel safe. You don’t want to enter a dynamic with someone without understanding the risks. The forums are a great place to get advice if you don’t have a circle of kink friends to ask in person. Do what feels right for you. 

[am****]

Thanks for all the helpful responses. I have read a couple of books a forum but I’m always willing to learn more if anyone has any suggestions on books to read up on. There is a lot of things to read up on but it’s all someone else perspective. Although I feel this is for me I’m not rushing into anything. I just wasn’t sure if me doing my own research would be good enough.

[Ca****]

I recommend reading or listening to the 'new bottoming book' a few times, and other books you find along the way. Check out the subreddits bdsmadvice and bdsmcommunity and ask questions there as well. Go to munches and clubs and meet people there in safe spaces. Do not go to someone's house the first or second time or maybe even third or fourth time you're meeting them. When and if you go to someone's house, tell a close friend where you are going and ask them to check in on you at certain times, name sure to update these times if you know you will be unable to answer the phone at the designated time! If you meet someone and things are progressing but something feels off or you just want to double check and make sure this person is behaving safely, ask here, other people you meet at the events listed above or on Reddit. Get more than one opinion.

[Deleted Member]

Like what u say @Pink-Lady-

[Th****]

I recommend reading the following books from some of the most respected individuals within the community. Inside all these pages is a compendium of knowledge that is sure to give you a firm grasp on everything without risking being misled by someone inexperience but fancies themselves as an expert. Remember always that without willful consent and in most cases some form of formal or written agreement there is little that would differentiate play from ***. You don’t want to fall into the hands of an immature or inexperienced partner that could cause serious harm by not knowing what they’re doing or worse knowing full well what they’re doing. Always play safe and before play make sure you trust your partner. Books are as follows:

Leading and supportive love (Chris M Lyon)

Different loving(Gloria G Brame)

How to be kinky(Morpheus)

Playing well with others(Lee Harrington)

Screw the roses, send me the thorns(Phillip miller & Molly Devon)

Conquer me(Kacie Cunningham)

BDSM Basics for beginners(Michelle Figatofi)

The ultimate guide to kink(Tristan Taormino)

[Th****]

@carpepraedamentioned the only book I forgot to add in there. Excellent suggestion! If you want copies of that or any of the books I mentioned, reach out to me with a direct message and I’m happy to share access to that folder on my google drive so that you can both scan and download them for your keeping. I have a couple of them as audiobooks including the new bottoming book @carpepraeda suggested

[in****]

I say take it slow you have to build trust and someone that will respect your limits

[Ja****]

Best advice is to give strangers as much personal information as possible

[Fr****]

^ lol that’s just not safe.

[Jo****]

Wth r u talking about lol
Why is there such a need for structure

[Pi****]

Bdsm is about structure and protocol and power exchange

[Th****]

Johnny hammers without the structure there would be little difference between the lifestyle and ***. If you are unaware of that it may not be safe practice for you to be engaged in play

[br****]

Some time is important but other times is not

[pa****]

never was a rush for me. slow is better than fast lots of people in simular predicament so just enjoy yourself and the adventures and be safe for yourself

[Mr****]

For me what worked: study a lot, try make friends that leads you to know kink places, you Will start to know to communit of your location. Then you can find a mentor.

[px****]

I would recommend having a friend who’s in the community with some experience- Unfortunately there are some toxic doms/subs who will prey on new people in our community. That friend can basically help you avoid people like that- Think of them as a guiding light. If I could turn back time and find someone like that when I was first starting out, trust me I would.

[Ja****]

It's sooo important to have friends and mentors! And huge apologies if this is already something you know - a mentor is not someone with whom you play with. If you can, ( I know it's hard as an introvert) go to local community events like munches. You can message the organizers to tell them you don't know anyone and ask them to introduce you around or hang out with them.

[wo****]

It’s hard to find it

[GspotGuru]

The Ultimate Guide and Screw the Roses are two very good reads for newbies and I have had good feedback from all those that I have gifted the books or referred them to. I’ve mentored more than a few DOMs over the past 3 decades and the hardest part for most beginners is to understand the psychology of D/s and S &M, and the need to understand the submissive on a detailed level so that a deeper trust can be established and maintained that will allow growth of the submissive in their exploration and understanding of their own submission. Consent is essential, and I recommend all submissive/s develop a D/s contract, to cleary communicate not only their hard and soft limits , which may evolve over time but also their expectations, such as only being humiliated in 1:1 intimate play not in public and any other acts, behavior be or mental , physical ir sexual that they want to happen or do not want to happen to them. This may takes some hard thinking on the submissive’s part if they are new, to identify their positive and also negative triggers (turn ons and turn offs). In the Contract, the submissive should Choose and identify their  safe words that  they are most comfortable with,  (Yellow and Red being easy choices of slow down /I need a break or Stop now)! If a prospective DOM is not willing or interested in signing this consensual agreement aka contract, they are probably a fake DOM, an ***r, predatory or just not evolved enough yet to take on a new submissive and does not recognize that submission is a gift and the contract is a easy and simple gesture to gain clarity before play is agreed to. 
 Munches are good to meet people in the BDSM lifestyle because they have experience and BDSM is expereincal, in that you best learn and understand the dynamics by experiencing them , which may occur by watching others play if u have that opportunity or you can go to classes. Most important for submissives and especially new submissives, is to find a submissive support group that you can share , learn  from and listen to,  other submissive friends are especially important to connect with during sub drop for comfort ( hopefully u are given  aftercare right after play and your subdrop doesn’t last more than a day but if it does connect with a submissive friend and your DOM/Master). Subfriends are vital as No one knows the hardship of subdrop when all the endorphins are gone, like another submissive. You won’t know how much subdrop u will have until u get it and everyone is different in the severity and length of subdrop, so read up and prepare yourself for that. 

FetLife is one of the best places on the internet to find local Munches ,  newbie classes, locally and globally as well as submissive support groups where only submissives are allowed to join. 
 

Go slow, enjoy and be safe! 

[Deleted Member]

Friends are important, platonic mentoring is a plus. Because they can guide you without becoming the focus of your journey. Go to events but ask an organizer for a guide to help you out.
But the one thing you should be clear on is what you want. Being a sub does not mean you have no say. Your in control of your body,your wants and the things you agree to. Do not let a dom push you into something because you think it falls under dom/sub dynamics. That's not the case. If you feel that your limits have been reached speak up. Remember that you can walk away at any time. You owe yourself,no one else. Good luck.