Properly Vetting Potential Play Partners: A Guide for New Dominants

[Deleted Member]

When engaging in any form of BDSM play, it is crucial to prioritize the physical, emotional, and verbal well-being of all parties involved. Vetting potential play partners is an essential step in ensuring a safe and consensual experience. By asking important questions and gaining an in-depth understanding of your potential submissive, you can establish boundaries, explore desires, and try to avoid any potential harm. Here are some key questions to ask when vetting submissives, along with additional tips to guide new dominants:

Understanding Desires and Feelings:
What do you want out of this? Understanding their intentions and expectations is vital for aligning desires.
How do you want to feel? This question helps identify the emotional experience they seek.
Have you ever felt the way you want to feel? Under what circumstances? Exploring previous experiences can provide insight into their desires and boundaries.
What do you think about when you touch yourself? Understanding their fantasies can help create a fulfilling experience.

Comfort and Body Awareness:
What positions is your body most comfortable in? Prioritizing their physical comfort during play is essential.
What positions make you feel sexy? Beautiful? Identifying positions that boost their confidence can enhance the experience.
What parts of your body do you tend to feel most protective of? Knowing their limits and sensitive areas helps avoid potential harm.

Experience and Boundaries:
Have you been tied up before? Understanding their level of experience with bondage is crucial for safety.
Have you tied anyone else up before? Knowing their experience as a top can provide valuable insights.
What kind of *** do you enjoy? Exploring their *** tolerance and preferences helps establish boundaries.
How long do you like to play for? Establishing the duration of play ensures both parties are on the same page.

Kinks and Power Dynamics:
What experience do you have with kink? Understanding their familiarity with BDSM helps gauge their comfort level.
What other kinks do you have? Exploring their range of interests allows for a more comprehensive understanding.
What sort of power dynamics/exchange are you interested in working with? Clarifying power dynamics helps establish a consensual dynamic.

Aftercare and Communication:
What kind of aftercare do you need? Understanding their aftercare requirements ensures their emotional well-being.
What makes you want to play these games? Exploring their motivations for engaging in BDSM play helps establish a stronger connection.

Additional Tips for New Dominants:

Educate yourself: Continuously educate yourself about BDSM practices, consent, and safety protocols.

Active communication: Maintain open and ongoing communication with your potential submissive, ensuring they feel comfortable expressing their needs and boundaries.

Respect boundaries: Always respect the boundaries and limits set by your submissive.

Negotiate and revisit: Regularly negotiate and revisit boundaries, desires, and limits to ensure a consensual and evolving dynamic.

Consent is ongoing: Remember that consent is an ongoing process and can be withdrawn at any time.

Trust-building: Prioritize building trust with your potential submissive by being reliable, respectful, and empathetic.

These are in no way the end all or be all for everyone, but these are a good start for those who have no idea where to get started. Properly vetting potential play partners is crucial for creating a safe and consensual BDSM experience. By asking important questions and actively listening to your potential submissive, you can establish clear boundaries, understand desires and limitations, and avoid physical, emotional, and verbal ***. Remember to educate yourself, maintain open communication, and prioritize consent throughout the dynamic. With these measures in place, you can embark on a fulfilling BDSM journey with confidence and care.

[Si****]

Excellent writing. I thank you for it.

[br****]

Very nice

[Se****]

Good stuff! Another really good thing to touch on is asking about how they respond during the experience with questions like: "When you're enjoying what I'm doing to you, how might you look and what might you do?" "How about the sounds you make? Can I get an example?" "When I'm enjoying it, I'll... (Explain what you do)." "For me, I might say... (tell them what you'd say), or I might... (describe noises you may make and maybe demonstrate one)." "How will I know you don't like something as much? What will you do? Keep in mind this is before using the safe word so I can course-correct without needing to stop the scene." "How about some sounds you might make if something hurts in a bad way or is not enjoyable? Can you demonstrate?" "If I'm not into it, you might see me... (explain what you might do), and you might hear me... (explain what you might say or sound like)." "How will I know when you're done with the session? Keep in mind this doesn't have to be a bad thing, it could also be a *blissful sigh* I'm done... kind of thing where you've been fully satisfied." Negotiations are key to minimizing disappointment due to unmatched expectations, and always remember: Aftercare can be the decisive difference between kink and ***.

[Se****]

Ab*se

[Deleted Member]

@sensationdom, those are great additional questions I will be added those to my vetting purpose. I never even thought of most of those. Thanks for sharing. I was hoping that is what would happen in the thread.

[Cu****]

Some very good questions and comments.

I would add that building trust works both ways between both parties; the dominant has to feel that trust has been gained, just as much as the submissive would. It takes time. So many people appear to want instant access to someone else. Caution, doesn’t always appear to be at the forefront of some people’s thoughts.

You mention that new dominants need to be educated, and to continue the process, through reading nonfiction, attending events, listening to podcasts, talking with and listening to other people, using forums like this, forming opinions, and continue to be open minded. A submissive should also be doing the same, and be responsible for their own understanding. There seem to have been a number of very new subs over the last few weeks, who seem to be of the opinion that one dominant will be able teach/mentor them about everything that they need to know. Really the more open, sensible talking and listening that there is, between different or same individuals should happen before making approaches, so that there’s a firm foundation of factual understanding, and safety, with a potential to be able to spot red flags.

I imagine many more comments can be added to your OP

[Deleted Member]

Definitely following this. What a great collection of discussion prompts for deepening. I love all of these! Thanks everyone for sharing.

One thing I'd like to put in the circle for consideration is being aware that triggered moments can happen at any time during these conversations that may be uncomfortable and disrrgulating to one or both parties. Sometimes building trust has meant sitting in silence for periods of time to allow energy to move through. Or telling my partner that I'm hear with them and/or to look me in the eyes to bring them back to grounding connection. Holding discomfort has been a skill I've moved through in many different ways. I understand its just another part of all the edges of BDSM. Stay present and calm.

[Jay-5054]

Following this

[DJ****]

Following

[Si****]

Already has helped.


Thank you. 🙏