Struggling with porn in a LDR D/s relationship

[Lyla356]

Hi everyone,
I'm in a long-distance D/s relationship (he's my Dominant and also my boyfriend), and I've been feeling very conflicted about something lately. From the beginning, I knew my partner watched porn, and I didn't think it would affect me much. But recently, it’s started to really hurt.

Earlier today, he shared some videos with me where women were being publicly humiliated by other women—stripped, slapped, etc.—and told me that he had masturbated to some of them before. I asked if he still could, and he said yes, with some of them. I’m not trying to judge him or shame him, but it honestly made me feel really uncomfortable and even a bit betrayed.

The thing is, he told me he doesn’t want me watching porn, not because of jealousy, but because he thinks it might make me dependent on it. So I stopped. And even though I agreed at the time, now I’m struggling with this imbalance.

I know he cares about me, and he’s been very open and honest. But I can’t lie—this makes me feel insecure, hurt, and even a little replaced. I’m still new to this lifestyle, and we haven’t been able to do training or really deepen our dynamic because of the distance, which makes me feel even more disconnected sometimes.

I’m wondering:

Has anyone else in a D/s or LDR felt this way before?

How do you deal with porn in a dynamic where one partner is Dominant?

Does it affect your trust, or your emotional connection?

Am I overreacting by feeling betrayed, especially knowing the kind of content it was?

I’m trying really hard not to let my insecurities take over, but I’d love to hear your honest thoughts. Thank you so much in advance.

[em****]

That’s very normal and I would feel the same way! I think you should tell your bf that you need to talk to him on a personal level not the dynamic level. Explain to him how you feel with him watching porn and why it makes you feel that way. Open communication is best!!

[Fr****]

Masterbation and sex are stress relievers, and you mentioned you’re in a long distance relationship..

Being “denied” can be fun to play around with.. However, it can also just turn from frustrated arousal to straight up frustration if you no longer have that same outlet for your stress..

Doesn’t sound particularly unusual..

[ja****]

Well, dear, I have been in D/s relationships as a sub with a few DOMs over the last 20 years (all long term) and I can tell you it doesn't seem like you have the actual kink that drives a sub. It's the complete and utter desire to please and serve Your DOM. You are an owned peace of property, to with whatever your DOM demands (consensually, of course and terms should have been stated and agreed upon beforehand), and if what he wants is not what you want then the communication has broken down and that can lead to the relationship becoming unsatisfactory,.unsafe and pointless. I hope you get to understand your kink better and find the proper dynamic that fulfills your desire and lifestyle.

[kn****]

You can't have a conversation with a porn video. You can't form a relationship with a porn video. You can't form an emotional connection with a porn video. The imbalance is definitely questionable. If it's okay for him to watch it, and even send you videos, then why wouldn't it be okay for you? Unless that's part of the dominance, I guess.

It sounds like a lot of the issue here is ultimately the same issue all LDRs encounter, which is a lack of proper connection. You can only connect so much without body language, facial expression, and physical touch. 🤷‍♂️

[Te****]

Everything you said above. You should be telling this to him. Not us!

[do****]

that is ABSOLUTELY unfair to you, if he was feeling like he wanted to watch porn, he should’ve discussed that with you beforehand, kink dynamic or not. and the fact that he’s saying you can’t while he sneaks around behind your back. it sounds like he’s using the disguise of dom/sub dynamics to be horrible to his partners, i suggest talking it out and / or just leaving

[Ma****]

For me personally, imbalance is the core of a D/s relationship. To be able to do something freely while denying and controlling it for the partner. Your sexuality is being controlled, his is free. I do understand that it can be hurtful though and I do belive that thats strongly dependend on how its executed by the dominant part. Is he talking about the stuff he is sending you? Is he talking about how watching is creating fantasies in his mind, with you? Especially when it's something in the BDSM context, something like "You would struggle beautifully for me in a situation like that." can make the difference between feeling betrayed or feeling connected and close - and that would be my personal reasoning behind sending porn to my submissive: To influence and dominate her sexuality and to feel connected on the deep level of kink.

[jo****]

Did you ever discuss that he wouldn't watch porn? Or did he ever make a related commitment? If not then it might look like you're expecting something from him that was not previously agreed/negotiated.

I personally don't really see a D/s angle here, tbh. I would be surprised by anyone not watching porn, whether or not in a relationship, irrespective if D/s played a role. Also: Not everyone watching porn is addicted/dependent...

Furthermore, keep in mind: He has those phantasies about public *** whether or not he's watching them in porn. It may be a pure phantasy, or it may be something he'd actually enjoy in real life [but doesn't get]. If he just phantasiszed about it without watching porn you wouldn't ever know about it. Would that make you feel less betrayed?

The only D/s angle I see is that you are not permitted to watch porn. It depends on the scope of your dynamic; if this is something you willingly want to submit to. It sounds a bit like it isn't and you should discuss that with your partner.

[Yi****]

If it fulfills your power exchange, ok. Its supposed to turn you on. Heck, use the safe word.

[Lyla356]

  2 hours ago, Mark421 said:

For me personally, imbalance is the core of a D/s relationship. To be able to do something freely while denying and controlling it for the partner. Your sexuality is being controlled, his is free. I do understand that it can be hurtful though and I do belive that thats strongly dependend on how its executed by the dominant part. Is he talking about the stuff he is sending you? Is he talking about how watching is creating fantasies in his mind, with you? Especially when it's something in the BDSM context, something like "You would struggle beautifully for me in a situation like that." can make the difference between feeling betrayed or feeling connected and close - and that would be my personal reasoning behind sending porn to my submissive: To influence and dominate her sexuality and to feel connected on the deep level of kink.

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In my case, he just told me that he liked those videos and that was it. He never asked me what I think about it or how I feel. He just sent them to me and that’s all. It’s not like he always shares porn with me; this was just one time among many

[Ma****]

I could be wrong here, I am still rather new to being a Dom. I don't think the problem is him watching porn, I think it is the fact that she feels disconnected from him. Outside perspective, I think there would be fewer feelings of rejection if there was more understanding. If the videos were sent with a personal message, that establishes a connection. Maybe, if you feel comfortable with talking to him, tell him how you are feeling, and how him sending you videos makes you feel. That will help establish the connection you are missing.

[Ma****]

  2 hours ago, Lyla356 said:

In my case, he just told me that he liked those videos and that was it. He never asked me what I think about it or how I feel. He just sent them to me and that’s all. It’s not like he always shares porn with me; this was just one time among many

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If he is a dominant of value, hurting you in an unconsentual way is never his intention. I do not know what his intensions are behind sharing porn with you. I do see the possibility though, that it can be a way of opening up for him - showing you what he likes, what his kinks are. Depending on the darknes of the content he may be feeling judged and is closing down because he was hoping for a different outcome. As already mentioned by others, I do think that communication - or lack there of - seems to be the main problem here. Talk to each other respectfully about your feelings and make it work, that would be my main tipp for you 👍🏻

[TJ****]

Have you discussed it openly? You’re allowed to have boundaries in a D/s dynamic. That is the basis of a true D/s dynamic. If you openly discuss it with him, and still feel the same way, then you may need to rethink the dynamic. Just because you’re the /s in this relationship doesn’t mean you get zero say. It’s a power exchange, not a relinquishment of boundaries.

[Lyla356]

  13 hours ago, Mark421 said:

Si es un dominante, lastimarte sin consentimiento nunca es su intención. Desconozco sus intenciones al compartir porno contigo. Sin embargo, veo la posibilidad de que sea una forma de abrirse a él, mostrándote lo que le gusta y sus manías. Dependiendo de lo oscuro del contenido, puede sentirse juzgado y cerrarse porque esperaba un resultado diferente. Como ya han mencionado otros, creo que la comunicación, o la falta de ella, parece ser el principal problema. Hablen con respeto sobre sus sentimientos y hagan que funcione; ese sería mi principal consejo. 👍🏻

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Thank you 

[hu****]

It's something you both need to talk and respect each other view and establish if you're on the same path.i think you confirm with him if his reason for you not watching porn keeps you dependent on him.he should encourage you to grow and make your own decision not restrict your dimensions of broader experience

[Ha****]

Him being your Dom means he has to maintain some level of control and maybe him not wanting you to watch porn means he wants you to save all of your needs for satisfaction strictly for him. If he has masturbated to those videos then he is letting you know he’s turned on by *** and seeing if you’re into that and that he’s most likely getting off to the idea of the scenario with you and not the people in the videos so try not to take it as being replaced. A Dom can come across a little overwhelming sometimes but in the end the most important thing to a Dom is seeing your sub satisfied. It’s definitely something worth having a sincere conversation about just make sure it doesn’t become an argument by any means.