How to separate a Dominant from a bully?

[Dancingbear225]

I was wondering if the community  sees differences between Doms and Bullys, or whether they are two ways of describing the same thing?

[Deleted Member]

There is 100% a difference and any good dominant, male or female, would never push their subs limits, they would never say/do anything purposely damaging and cruel. A true dominant cares about their sub.

[Deleted Member]

I'm pretty new to this but I'm of the mind that there is respect, affection and a desire to please through the method with being a Dom.
Aftercare and reassurance post event is also something I personally think is important.
Ignoring all of that would definitely just make someone a bully.

[ey****]

Consent is one of the main differences.

(even if the Dominant describes themselves / their style as 'bully')

Another key difference is ***.   Did the submissive 'do the thing' because they wanted to - or because they felt they had to?

[ol****]

This is an excellent queation and one new subs really need to think about.

A Dom should never push limits. So limits should be agreed.

Should always provide aftercare following a session.

Sounds whacky, but should actually build a subs confidence.

Earn the trust of their sub. Something a bully will never do.

[Deleted Member]

They are by no means 2 ways of describing the same thing, that would dictate every dom is just a bully, someone abusive & controlling for their own twisted satisfaction & not a mutual partnership & relationship that is supportive, caring & loving, even if the dom is sadistic it doesn't make them a bully.

Now, are there doms that bully a sub, take advantage, ignore the rules, limits & boundaries, of course but they are using being a dom to cover up that they are a bully, that use being a dom to control & dominate a person against their will, that will commit domestic *** whilst hiding behind a mask of bdsm & dom/sub but to the community these are not doms, they are ***rs & probably have had a lifetime of *** in one form or another & are continuing that behaviour.

[ge****]

The two are completely different things when looked at objectively - a dominant has care, trust, respect, consideration, limits, boundaries and so very much more at the forefront of their mind at all times when it comes to a submissive they are with - a bully has none of those things and is generally out to cause *** (both physical and mental) for the sake of it.

How you spot the difference between one and the other in someone is the key though and can be a little more difficult to tell - so being informed about your own wants, needs and expectations as a submissive is a good first step, as is knowing it's OK to have your own mind and ask questions of others as a means of gauging their intent.

[Deleted Member]

A dominant should be commanding not mean or cruel a dominants role it to help a submissive push their limits and providing a safe space to do this while respecting the hard limits of the submissive.

[Th****]

I am fairly new to BDSM, but I absolutely agree with everything written here, and it's genuinely heartening to see so many positive comments on an excellent question that probably doesn't get asked enough.

As mentioned above, consent, care, affection, trust, support and open communication are all hallmarks of the dominant, but are absent and not even a consideration of the bully. A healthy and caring dynamic can, I have found in my short time in this community, raise the spirits, confidence and well-being of all parties involved. Bullying raises only the bully, at the expense of their victim.

Gemini_man, absolutely spot on. Being submissive doesn't mean having to do whatever the Dom says without regard for yourself or your wants - that is such a key thing to instil, I think, to ensure a safe and fulfilling dynamic.

[Deleted Member]

A Dominant is just that because he knows as he takes he gives....there is balance.......with a bully there is no balance, and the motivation comes from spite.

[Deleted Member]

They are two different things that can be mixed in. Some subs like to be dominated with *** others without. To each his own cup of tea.

[Deleted Member]

A special Dom told me this. Donnykinkster is 100% correct!!👍

Edited December 7, 2021 by Deleted Member

[David567]

Total agree wit Doñnykinkster if you take you must give .

[Dustykat]

But even with ***, there is still respect. A Dom or Master never crosses the line, they enjoy a beautiful give and take with there subs or slaves.🧚‍♀️

[Dancingbear225]

Thank you all, you have all clarified what I felt was true. 

[Deleted Member]

The power a dom has over the sub was given to the dom by that sub, therefore there is seriousness in having true respect for that subs submission. Not to use marvels over used phrase, but with great power, comes great responsibility.
A bully will take this power, and disregard the trust aspect.
For a true sadist it’s a very fine line, one that can be walked, but keeping in mind the agreed upon dynamic, not pushing boundaries without discussion before.
Just as subspace and aftercare are very real, these must be thought out, the sub will want but not always ask, sometimes it’s the duty of the dom to anticipate these needs as they happen.
If a sub has a triggering event. Stop, get back to a safe comfortable zone, don’t abandon or abdicate.
If a dom pulls away or pushes needlessly the boundaries, these aren’t the actions of a dom that respects the previously set up dynamic,or the basic fundamentals of dominating behavior.
With great power, comes great responsibility.

[Wolfie-Ouroboros]

Consent, negotiation and care if none of that’s involved there’s red flags all over the place in my book

[Deleted Member]

15 hours ago, InfinitewavesXTC said:

They are two different things that can be mixed in. Some subs like to be dominated with *** others without. To each his own cup of tea.

Not really, even if a sub likes to be verbally/physically degraded during sexual acts, there is a still a limit and usually a specific way they like this to be done. A good Dom will stay within those limits, a bully won’t.

[Koby]

Personally,

Intention - what I intend to do in a relationship?

Motive - why I intend to do what I do in  relationship?

Action- The manifestation of my intention and Motive?

You can apply these terms to also include narcissists, consent violators and manipulators.

Additionally, you can utilise these terms to Identify red flags within a relationship.

Has their intentions changed during the relationship, what are their current motives and how is it impacting our relationship?

 

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

I'm new to this but from my chats with people on here, I agree with the views that say it's about respect, trust and boundaries.  I am naturally submissive in the bedroom but if I felt my boundaries were not respected then that submission would stop immediately..  I need to trust the other person and feel comfortable and safe for me to give up all control.   If I have that then I will happily be submissive and enjoy it.  

I've noticed 2 very distinctive groups of men who message me on this site.  The doms treat me with respect and build up trust and I enjoy chatting to them, but the bullies just demand submission immediately, and don't give a sh*t about my feelings, it's all about them.... thank goodness for the block button !! 

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, Prettysub2020 said:

I'm new to this but from my chats with people on here, I agree with the views that say it's about respect, trust and boundaries.  I am naturally submissive in the bedroom but if I felt my boundaries were not respected then that submission would stop immediately..  I need to trust the other person and feel comfortable and safe for me to give up all control.   If I have that then I will happily be submissive and enjoy it.  

I've noticed 2 very distinctive groups of men who message me on this site.  The doms treat me with respect and build up trust and I enjoy chatting to them, but the bullies just demand submission immediately, and don't give a sh*t about my feelings, it's all about them.... thank goodness for the block button !! 

Nail on the head 😊

[we****]

Yesterday at 03:19 PM, BDSMkinkydom said:

They are by no means 2 ways of describing the same thing, that would dictate every dom is just a bully, someone abusive & controlling for their own twisted satisfaction & not a mutual partnership & relationship that is supportive, caring & loving, even if the dom is sadistic it doesn't make them a bully.

Now, are there doms that bully a sub, take advantage, ignore the rules, limits & boundaries, of course but they are using being a dom to cover up that they are a bully, that use being a dom to control & dominate a person against their will, that will commit domestic *** whilst hiding behind a mask of bdsm & dom/sub but to the community these are not doms, they are ***rs & probably have had a lifetime of *** in one form or another & are continuing that behaviour.

A Dom can be a bully, but being a bully does not make you Dom

[we****]

Yesterday at 03:29 PM, Lancelot283 said:

A dominant should be commanding not mean or cruel a dominants role it to help a submissive push their limits and providing a safe space to do this while respecting the hard limits of the submissive.

Unless the agreement is to be mean or cruel? Consent and motivation mark the difference IMO

[Deleted Member]

Like most of the other posters, to me if someone is trying to bully or humiliate me (physical, emotional, or mental) in any context without my consent, then they are a bully not a Dom/Domme.

But I recognize things can get tricky. In the past I had a toxic friendship who I now recognize as non-consensually bullying me, but it felt complicated that the time because I kind of liked her taking charge, which is also problematic because the I was non-consensually subbing? It happened with a work relationship too, although I supposed I was also a bit star struck being able to work closely for someone so important in my field.

[we****]

1 hour ago, PricklyPeach said:

Like most of the other posters, to me if someone is trying to bully or humiliate me (physical, emotional, or mental) in any context without my consent, then they are a bully not a Dom/Domme.

But I recognize things can get tricky. In the past I had a toxic friendship who I now recognize as non-consensually bullying me, but it felt complicated that the time because I kind of liked her taking charge, which is also problematic because the I was non-consensually subbing? It happened with a work relationship too, although I supposed I was also a bit star struck being able to work closely for someone so important in my field.

That’s a really good point the D/s relationship is often about your natural energy and you fall easily into the role when you meet someone of the right energy. Coupled with if your kink works with the others bullying behaviour. I have certainly experienced this throughout my life, sometimes it’s been good some times less so.