Trauma Bond in D/s dynamic

[AbdnDaddyDom]

I have a friend who is currently in a D/s relationship but has told me its based on a trauma bond.  She's said they can be very dangerous if not handled correctly or of the power is ***d.

Can anyone help me understand what this is or point me in the direction of places to learn more? I'm concerned for her and want to better understand their relationship so that I can help if needed.

Thank you

[Bill-6666]

Best advice is look into what trauma bonding is more and go from there but it’s typically a response to *** where one person has becomes “bonded” with another due to an abusive pattern by the other party or shared trauma from past *** it’s a very tricky thing to navigate as a third party. Ultimately the best thing you can do for now unless she speak to you about being harmed is make sure she knows she has a safe space to talk to you should anything happen and or place to come if she feels she needs an escape from it. Though don’t expect her to just do that if she needs too. From what I’ve seen those that form trauma bonds often overlook patterns that can be dangerous to them. Just keep an eye out an and open door, ask about but don’t press hard about things you notice that concern you.

[Ro****]

My understanding is that a Trauma bond happens when an ***r uses manipulation tactics and cycles of *** to make the victim feel dependent on them for care and validation, causing a strong attachment or bond.
It has sometimes been attached to Stockholm syndrome a coping mechanism of a captive or abusive situation. People develop positive feelings toward their captors or ***rs over time. This condition applies to situations including child ***, coach-athlete ***, relationship *** etc.

[Deleted Member]

I agree. Even with my psychoanalytic background, I sometimes struggle with those issues. I try to address it carefully if I feel the time would be appropriate.

Sadly, I do believe that trauma are pretty common in d/s relationships and that’s why I say, without actual love (care for your sub) you can easily do more harm than good.

Nevertheless, it is very difficult to manage those things. For severely ***d people, survivors of child ***, it’s very often easier to identify with the aggressor and leaving it as it is instead of trying to address it. Additionally, if the trauma has lead to a dissociation (split of the ego into different alters) a layman without very good skills in dealing with those issues will very likely fail.

Its a huge topic.

[Ra****]

If you feel able to, encourage your friend to go to private talking therapy.

[Se****]

You say she’s told you the relationship is based on a trauma bond but not at which side of that trauma bond she is.

Is she the ***d or the ***r? (For want of better terminology, and absolutely no offence intended).

It’s very honourable that you want to be able to be there for her and that you want to learn more.

My suggestion would be that you don’t initially look into this from a theoretical viewpoint or a definition type way because every single experience of trauma bonding is unique in its own way.

 You need to speak with her and find out what exactly she means by “trauma bond”. It is possible that the “dictionary definition” and her definition vary hugely.

 Have a conversation with her when you both have plenty of time available and there is no concern she will be disturbed.

 And then ASK what she needs/wants from you. Ask what you can do to help now or in the future.

From there if you feel you need to gain more information and in depth understanding sure, read up on the theory of trauma bonding but initially your learning comes from her.

x

[AbdnDaddyDom]

19 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

You say she’s told you the relationship is based on a trauma bond but not at which side of that trauma bond she is.

Is she the ***d or the ***r? (For want of better terminology, and absolutely no offence intended).

It’s very honourable that you want to be able to be there for her and that you want to learn more.

My suggestion would be that you don’t initially look into this from a theoretical viewpoint or a definition type way because every single experience of trauma bonding is unique in its own way.

 You need to speak with her and find out what exactly she means by “trauma bond”. It is possible that the “dictionary definition” and her definition vary hugely.

 Have a conversation with her when you both have plenty of time available and there is no concern she will be disturbed.

 And then ASK what she needs/wants from you. Ask what you can do to help now or in the future.

From there if you feel you need to gain more information and in depth understanding sure, read up on the theory of trauma bonding but initially your learning comes from her.

x

Hi and thanks for your reply. Using your terminology she is the ***d. She entered into the dynamic to help cope with a bad break from her previous Dom. From what I can gather she used this to help her cope with the emotional *** she was experiencing. She has told me that she knows this is a trauma bond and realises the dangers but hopes her new Dom has the experience to handle it. She us doing lots better. Though I don't know if she'd get to a point where she nonlinear needs that bond and if she did would she be able to break it.

I just have concerns for her. She's a very close friend

[Se****]

Just now, AbdnDaddyDom said:

Hi and thanks for your reply. Using your terminology she is the ***d. She entered into the dynamic to help cope with a bad break from her previous Dom. From what I can gather she used this to help her cope with the emotional *** she was experiencing. She has told me that she knows this is a trauma bond and realises the dangers but hopes her new Dom has the experience to handle it. She us doing lots better. Though I don't know if she'd get to a point where she nonlinear needs that bond and if she did would she be able to break it.

I just have concerns for her. She's a very close friend

So, to me at least, using one relationship to get over a prior relationship/bad break up isn’t particularly unusual. We, as a species, want to feel safe and cared for. And moving to another relationship before we’ve completely healed from a previous one isn’t unheard of. Oftentimes it can help us to get over our previous partner and begin to make us feel happier and stronger in ourselves and come to terms with the breakup and loss of a relationship. It can be healthy but isn’t always  

 Personally, I wouldn’t call this a trauma bond which is why I initially said it’s important for each person to be given the time to give their own definition of what it means to them. Obviously she feels as though it is and that is entirely her prerogative.

One thing I would urge is that she talks to her current Dom about the situation. I’m sure she probably already has but if not she’s not being entirely fair on him by hoping he can handle it.

 Be there for her. Make sure she knows you’re a safe space and someone she can be honest and open with.

I had a terrible break up with my first Dom. I blamed a lot on myself however in hindsight he dealt with the situation exceptionally badly and I reacted (badly) to his poor handling of the situation. Some exceptionally good friends got me through it and helped me to see I’m not a bad person and that I am allowed to believe that I’m worth more than he left me feeling.

 It certainly sounds like you’re that kind of person in her life and as such she’s lucky to have you.

 

[AbdnDaddyDom]

3 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

So, to me at least, using one relationship to get over a prior relationship/bad break up isn’t particularly unusual. We, as a species, want to feel safe and cared for. And moving to another relationship before we’ve completely healed from a previous one isn’t unheard of. Oftentimes it can help us to get over our previous partner and begin to make us feel happier and stronger in ourselves and come to terms with the breakup and loss of a relationship. It can be healthy but isn’t always  

 Personally, I wouldn’t call this a trauma bond which is why I initially said it’s important for each person to be given the time to give their own definition of what it means to them. Obviously she feels as though it is and that is entirely her prerogative.

One thing I would urge is that she talks to her current Dom about the situation. I’m sure she probably already has but if not she’s not being entirely fair on him by hoping he can handle it.

 Be there for her. Make sure she knows you’re a safe space and someone she can be honest and open with.

I had a terrible break up with my first Dom. I blamed a lot on myself however in hindsight he dealt with the situation exceptionally badly and I reacted (badly) to his poor handling of the situation. Some exceptionally good friends got me through it and helped me to see I’m not a bad person and that I am allowed to believe that I’m worth more than he left me feeling.

 It certainly sounds like you’re that kind of person in her life and as such she’s lucky to have you.

 

You're being amazingly helpful. 

I have tried not to push too hard but I have gathered that she used physical ***, inflicted by the new Dom, to help rip the grief from her. I also believe there is a contract in place with limits as to the ***. She's very intelligent and experienced but the break up broke her

[Se****]

4 minutes ago, AbdnDaddyDom said:

You're being amazingly helpful. 

I have tried not to push too hard but I have gathered that she used physical ***, inflicted by the new Dom, to help rip the grief from her. I also believe there is a contract in place with limits as to the ***. She's very intelligent and experienced but the break up broke her

I can totally understand needing “something” to allow you to grieve. We don’t always do it well and it can remain stored in us for years and manifest in negative ways. Sometimes it takes years to be able to let our grief out.

 She honestly sounds like she’s using what works for her to help her come to terms with the loss (and make no mistake, a break up is definitely a loss). I genuinely believe it doesn’t matter who you are or your levels of experience, somewhere along the road of life a break up will break you. I think those of us that experience this type of *** only once in a lifetime are exceptionally lucky - both because it means they know what “love” is but also because they haven’t had it happen repeatedly.

 I’m hoping she begins healing soon x

[CopperKnob]

Like Fateful, I also wouldn't class this as trauma bonding which is typically where there is an unhealthy power imbalance between the partners such as coercive control/manipulation etc. If the new partnership is based on good communication, negotiation and compromise, whilst not ideal to be in a new relationship, it's a starting point.
.
That your friend recognises the reliance she has on their new partner is a positive and something they can work on through discussion with them and a professional particularly around attachment style and recognising healthy relationships. Trauma bonding can result in Stockholm syndrome and PTSD so being able to speak to/work with a trauma informed therapist is important. They've been strong enough to end the trauma bond, it's the aftermath that they are dealing with now. What will be important for them is to have a safe space to voice their thoughts and feelings

[Deleted Member]

As mentioned, personally I would be only a listener and suggest a therapist who specializes this. I would do research for myself, and anything else would not be involved. There's more con's like backfiring. Becareful...