Need help with being a virgin Dom

[AG****]

My significant other has a BDSM fetish I do not know very much about BDSM when I asked her about BDSM she tells me she likes to be spanked she likes to be tied up she likes to be ***d she likes to be flogged whipped and also spanked with assorted impact tools but she doesn't tell me how hard what style say slowly centrally or slave beating Style or does she like something more along the lines of firm or light or leave a handprint hard she never describes any of this or the Dynamics behind the actions set forth so I thought to myself I'm not very aggressive and not really into BDSM but I figured I would do anything I could to possibly help our relationship out by learning these things how do I figure out the Dynamics of what she likes versus something I would like and what is the just basically how do you be a Dom or a daddy or a master is basically what I'm

[ge****]

There are two strands to this - firstly and most importantly you have to decide for yourself if this is something you want for you. You've said you're not really into BDSM and there's nothing to say you have to be - in fact I'd go as far as to say if it's not for you, yet you try to do it to please your significant other, you risk damaging not enhancing your relationship.
.
So take a step back and decide if that risk is one you want to take or if a compromise can be found.
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If you decide it's for you then the answers to the second part lie with your significant other - only they can tell you what they want, and how hard how often etc - there is no way of you finding out for yourself without their input, least not without risking serious damage anyway.
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But first and foremost you need to answer the first question and do some serious self-analysis and learning.

[mi****]

As a more submissive person it’s sometimes hard to describe exactly what I need. Like I tell my partner that I adore being spanked but I would have trouble putting into words how hard. Sometimes it’s different based on the day. What works for us is before anything having a conversation where I vocalize what I can and if I’m having trouble with communicating what I need in that day I tell him to just listen to what I’m saying or not saying. Maybe set up a system where instead of saying a safeword saying green or yellow if it’s become too close to the line.

[my****]

44 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

There are two strands to this - firstly and most importantly you have to decide for yourself if this is something you want for you. You've said you're not really into BDSM and there's nothing to say you have to be - in fact I'd go as far as to say if it's not for you, yet you try to do it to please your significant other, you risk damaging not enhancing your relationship.
.
So take a step back and decide if that risk is one you want to take or if a compromise can be found.
.
If you decide it's for you then the answers to the second part lie with your significant other - only they can tell you what they want, and how hard how often etc - there is no way of you finding out for yourself without their input, least not without risking serious damage anyway.
.
But first and foremost you need to answer the first question and do some serious self-analysis and learning.

I agree with all of this.

I will add this, when it comes to how hard you go, you need to establish not just one safeword but multiples. The traffic lights of yellow and red are a start. If she says yellow you’re getting close to her threshold, if you get to red stop what you’re doing immediately, end the scene and go into aftercare. Go over these safe words at the start of any play session and assume everything that isn’t one of those words is green. Then after you’ve cared for her you can have a period of time to discuss the scene.

[GentlemanDom]

You can not mke a vanilla person into a kinkster any more than you can turn a gay man straight. You might be able to pretend but if you're not up to the task you won't be able to make her happy.

[AG****]

Communication is a little hard right now because of the fact that she's frustrated and I have been neglectful for a while so I'm trying to figure out her Kink because she's never really talked about it she's admitted to me and that she came out to me that she was kinky and hey I'll roll with anything once but you got to the point where her King was kind of taken away from our sex life because like for instance I want to try to make love to her one time and she wanted me to spank her she was adamantly for me trying to spank her and that's not what I was trying to do that day so it kind of made me apprehensive about it because I didn't want to feel like I was neglected on my end but she still gets what she likes in the end basically I ended up letting her have a dominant and she broke a hard line that we had said which was no penetration no sex. We were supposed to get the sex in at our end but have the dominant to give her the what is how did she describe it release that she needed now she didn't explain what it was what if she wanted or what that release was it's like when someone tells you they like to be spanked how hard you like to be staying do you like to be sensual about me spanking you I mean or do you want me to just wail on your ass until it's red and and you know call degrade you at the same time you never explain this to me you know and she like she'll shut down instead of telling me or she'll say like stuff or things she won't describe what the action is but she'll go out and find somebody to do this to her it's more important to her than our relationship it's worth getting the problem is that she would go out with someone that she broke trust and expect me to not be jealous or to say something about her and him because the trust is gone and therefore in my mind I don't know what they're doing for their session so she broke it off with this guy because he started to get clingy which tells me that they had more than just a one time deal she then immediately started dating another guy and then that guy happened to be cheating on her with her best friend that I can't make the stuff up

[GentlemanDom]

If you wanna be cucked for the sake of feelings thats up to you. Personally I say if you care about her you will let her find a Dom who can give her what she needs.

[AG****]

It gets way better she then proceeds to get herself another soft Dom is what she called them which was basically somebody to tell her degradingly or been over across her knee and spank her or hold her down and have sex with her when I didn't want her to see males I didn't mind her seeing females I still don't to this day in fact she was seeing a female behind my back with the other soft male turns out it was my unicorn she had been going behind my back with with this new soft arm guy and then another unicorn boy I'm ***ed about that though cuz she was kind of jealous about that I'm not going to lie but in the end I'm sitting in the house by myself playing cuckold I explained to her that the reason I'm getting upset and mad is because I'm a left out B you're cheating on me at this point and see I'm supposed to like it now if that's not love to say I love you I'll work on this relationship instead of walking away like any other mail in the world would do be like fuck you I'm done with this bullshit 20 years of marriages not worth walking away for a fetish I'm sorry but that's the way I feel and that's what it feels like but I think the fetish is an excuse just to walk away from me which is sad so I'm trying to see if that Dynamic of the BDSM and the release can be maybe with counseling and help focused on her sexual needs my sexual needs my frustration can maybe be channeled slightly toward her fetish but within safe means with colors and passwords of course and I figured maybe I could get a little something out of it she can get a little something out of it there could be a happy medium in between because I never hurt the girl so not knowingly and willingly but at the same time she could get what she needed I can maybe get a little frustration out and learn something new in the process therapy but there's a fine line there I understand between taking it out on someone and it being sexual therapy for both I understand the dynamic behind that being a thin line of Razor and something you both have to talk to you about each other to begin with much less having problems but I'm willing to work to get my relationship back if she's willing to just stop sleeping with guys I wouldn't have a problem but I'm starting to think that it's not the guys it's just the freedom of her being able to do what she wants maybe the issue and it may be time for me just walk away but I still can't say I didn't try what kind of man would I be if I didn't

[AG****]

Or should I get up with the dumb guy from her first relationship and become buddies with him and just evenly hang out at lunches because he hosts most of them for another fetish app and just make it awkward and move on with my life if that's the evilest thing I do then you know I still care

[AG****]

You know not all Munchies are fun that times why not spice it up a little and give something for people to talk about at the next munch LOL

[AG****]

Because and he gets even better this individual is well known within certain communities so he's notorious for taking other people's unicorns and girlfriends and my wife and my ex unicorn yeah I can't make this shit up it's like a soap opera waiting to fucking be written another Californication episode you know Eat Pray fuck punch 2.0 LOL

[my****]

Sorry man, but you should really consider calling this one. She wants more than you can give her, and it sounds like she found someone who can give her what she needs and the way she needs it. If she’s close lipped about what she wants you might just be scratching the surface of her dark desires.

[AG****]

48 minutes ago, mythicalman said:

I agree with all of this.

I will add this, when it comes to how hard you go, you need to establish not just one safeword but multiples. The traffic lights of yellow and red are a start. If she says yellow you’re getting close to her threshold, if you get to red stop what you’re doing immediately, end the scene and go into aftercare. Go over these safe words at the start of any play session and assume everything that isn’t one of those words is green. Then after you’ve cared for her you can have a period of time to discuss the scene.

I understand the basics of the Dom and the color codes the safe words and the ability to read your partner and understand when they're in distress over when they're in ecstasy will say but it's the I guess they're trying to get her to communicate what she wants and what she likes because of afraid to maybe tell me what she's actually done I mean that's the only thing I can think of why wouldn't you tell the person that what you like I mean I just I don't understand that or what turns you on or what you don't like or what you don't like you know if you don't want to be way laid on or if you she likes her breasts beat till they're they're bruised so I don't think there's really a ***ter threshold she wouldn't tell me that she was at but she would also allow that much damage it's kind of scary to me and it kind of ***ed me off because I have to stare at those because I didn't make them and people looked at me like I was the one that done that's her at a swingers party and it kind of embarrassed me because I wasn't the person that put those bruises on her

[AG****]

But the first part of that she had wrote the trust and made the move on her now I know it takes two to tango so I really didn't say anything to her because I had cheated on her a while back one time and I felt pretty guilty about it so I let her have her one time and told her that that was it and she found herself another got to go play with which was kind of a kicked at the teeth but I figured it was just a something she grow out of get her cakes Wild Oats be done well I'm not sure how but the unicorn has managed to talk her away from me and her new boyfriend which is this guy well this guy likes to steal other people's girlfriends I found out so one of these lunches why I said the comment above was one of the munchies was this guy another guy's girlfriend that he now had and my wife which another guy The Host was the one that was getting clingy that my wife broke off with so during that much two guys basically stared at this one particular guy with the two girls the entire time and it was like everybody at the Munch was completely quiet so I thought to myself you know that would be the ultimate fuck you would be to add a third person to that stare and just make it so uncomfortable that they wouldn't come back to the month and I wouldn't have to look at him

[AG****]

Because I know I've got to accept either that she's going to be work with me or work against me and that's decisions totally up to her but there's a lot of issues that need to be addressed before healing can take place but at the same time we are having to go habitate till we get the house sold so I've got 3 months to figure out if she willing to go to counseling save the marriage and deal with her issues is which as my issues with her and my family's issues together as a family but I thought I would attempt you try to learn her kink thoroughly in order to try to make her feel like I'm attempting to accommodate her sexual needs and if I could use some of this not hate but disappointment and channel it toward a positive thing which is her *** kink and it be the***utic for me and erotic for her then it's a win-win

[AG****]

Where am I being delusional once you just say fuck it which case I'm going to have to belly away up to the dating pool which really sucks especially nowadays I think I've been through every app on the fucking internet why we've been doing this open relationship shit I mean she's been cheating on me and I've been sitting at the house but so I'm tired of both I'm tired of being a cuckold I mean she's got to stop seeing dudes or fucking this relationships fucking done I don't care about chicks I love chicks who hasn't lived chicks but I'm just tired of feeling like I'm the only one trying here and she's just done and I'm still trying because I love her but it's getting to the point where I'm starting to hate her every time she goes out the door and has fun while I sit home stuck at the fucking house and I know that sounds jealous and it kind of pet it kind of is in a certain way but it's not the jealousy of her being able to do these things with those people it's the ability to be able to go out. I mean I don't get the luxury of having 15 people in my inbox and I can pick and choose who I want to go on a date with every day I'm lucky to get the person in my inbox to even talk to me to be able to possibly plan a date and it seems like every time she gets a day and I plan a date my day cancels and she goes out on her day which shouldn't be that way for my understanding for my polyamers

[AG****]

I swear to God I can write a screenplay with this my unicorn steals my wife for her new boyfriend my girlfriend my wife's current Dom Daddy after she cheated on a Dom daddy with the first time and now she's divorcing me to be I guess with these couple truffle will call them but this guy was lurking around we first got our other account on another platform and I kept telling him we were only looking for a female we were only looking for a female now what are the chances that the Unicorn I got were in League with this guy in order to get my girl I'm starting to really think that I had known the girl a while online I introduced her to my bed and we were all cool until the Unicorn was being very unsafe so I broke it off with her and then she started seeing the Unicorn behind my back again and then using George as an excuse to see Jenny maybe I shouldn't use names anyway I don't care so now my wife is now currently gone every weekend with them when she's not working and several times during the week so how long could you wash your girlfriend / wife walk out the door on a date before you said fuck you man that's not happening and you go off about it but then you're the dick because you said anything to her and you won't let her live her life well yeah favorite involves a penis then yeah I'm going to have a problem with it then she blames her fetish I'm not going to be able to get what I need which is the spanking that the bruising the okay I can do that for you tell me what you would like shut down

[AG****]

Granite I'm not the perfect person I've cheated on her I've lied to her for the last seven years over a subject which I come clean on I've definitely not doing that again but the trust is already broken on her behalf too which is she was in a relationship with another person in our marriage but I am also guilty of that which I also can't clean of I threw all my cars on the table the last part I got thrown was oh by the way I slept with the 20 year old unicorn that we were trying to sleep with ourselves with the other two not a week before now if that ain't he slapped in the face then nothing my one time infidelity versus multiple Plus sleeping with unicorn that she's not telling me about in fact if she's lying to me because she thinks that I would get upset for her being with the unicorn but I really wouldn't like I said I love chicks I can't be mad at a girl LOL but that's why I'm in this situation

[AG****]

Would make a good Californication episode love pray fuck 2.0

[AG****]

So currently accepting applications for you playmate because I'm going to get mine eventually I've been with one chick this entire 6 month period and a couple that I've tried that have led me on but it is what it is your sink or swim I ain't sinking

[AG****]

Suggestions for either getting out of Dodge or just trying to salvage or just fucking call it done or just best way to get over somebody is to get on top of somebody else basically that's what I'm starting to feel like before either a we hate each other or or we get it worked out with help or we walk away and become friends because the only way I see this working out and that's not hating each other is with professional help which I'm willing to do she's willing to go to the kids are willing to go to and I'm almost willing to give it a chance but she's not going to stop doing what she's doing during the meantime because either a she doesn't want to be she just doesn't care or see she just not willing to give up whatever fetish that she has I haven't seen very many bruises on her like I had the first time with the Sado Mastic dominant

[AG****]

I'm good Aftercare and caregiving part of the BDSM it's the aggressive level that I was thinking of are trying to figure out and the amount of *** depending on what she likes and how to make it sensual and seductive along with ***ful and ***ful for her likes but not make me feel like I'm beating my wife in the same time but in the back of my mind I kind of sort of would like that because maybe the small amount of *** that I can inflict upon her alleviate some of the *** that I had that she done to me does that make sense but there's a fine line between that and being her ass which I don't want to do I've never been like a aggressive beating person toward a female I'm more of a softer slower gentle or side type person and it's just kind of hard to go with her Dynamics when you really don't like causing *** to a person that's the original idea of her getting a Dom with a hard limit of no sex was that she could get what she wanted and not I wouldn't have to worry about an accidental penis insertion

[AG****]

But I'm just not sure how to be aggressive like that or let's put it this way the only thing I have for a role model would BDSM is porn and that's fucking ridiculous anybody who knows anybody in BDSM Community can tell you that they're not just tying your ass to a board and beating you until you get them a color you're basically going to have to tell them what you want what you like what you don't like your hard limits your soft limits and then get your colors and your safe words now how is that so hard to tell your partner what you like when they're quizzing you on what you want or how you like it is it an embarrassment deal or is it something along the fun they're ashamed of or is it something that maybe they might think that I was too far for me to want to do I mean these are the questions I ask and it's just I don't get an answer or I get a half-ass answer or I get like stuff and things and a basic description but not the description of how or what or how hard or how what they like it's just like they just she keeps repeating that I said I didn't like BDSM over and over again and I'm like look I'm willing to learn if you'll tell me what you're looking for so that I maybe I can we can work on that together too maybe hold that in find something I like that something you like together and that I could do and feel comfortable with but it's like she won't even try at one point but she's willing to try new things with other people to the point where I've tried certain things with her like all of a sudden she liked her titties sucked she hated her titty sex for the longest fucking time I couldn't even do it she's like smack my head away but yet still now be stuck on the damn things she's like grabbing your head pulling it into them it's it's weird it's like why how I mean we've been together for 20 years and you know I know some people that haven't explored or done things with their partner that they learn 20 years down the road but this is like basic stuff and she's excited about being with certain ones I can understand females I can't really reproduce that but it's just seems like it's the being with another male that is probably what is driving her fetish I think and if that's the case she just needs to tell me so I can move the fuck alone instead of grasping and hope and a straw that we can repair something that's not going to be repairable not at that point she just come to me and say hey look you know you you suck in bed you know you're having problems or something you can't breathe half the time blah blah blah something along that lines I would be like that's cool I understand I'm not doing it for you I'm done but I'm not getting that I'm just getting well it's my fetish and and you can't give me the releases that I need and what she's talking about is is being whipped or being flogged at a bruised not like release release at least I think of I don't know somebody explain that to me too

[AG****]

thanks for the advice but if shes hapy im happy so i will set her free the only problem is that she has a peice of me and anytime she wants back in then im not sure i can stop her because of it but she doent feel the same about our relationship thsts what cuts the deepest.I know its gonna take time before i trust anyone else the unicorn was my best friend for a year and we were tight till she met my then it was love at first sight for them and i love that because i cared for them both the unicorn wasnt mine but i loved her like she was but also let her see whoever because she wasnt commited to me but when my wife started seeing big guy that was dating my ex unicorn i found out at the same time went behind my back and lied if she would have asked i would have said yes because of the girls dynamics but i personally think think at this guy who had been around creeping for a while trying to get me and my wife and him and a threesome when you only wanted a unicorn kept on and kept on I finally I blocked him well he kept on to my wife even though I told him that he didn't have permission to talk to her and kept on and kept on until she finally she was talking to Jenny about him and Jenny goes oh yeah he's a really nice guy to him before and of course Mary went out with him Little did I know that she was dating him at the time and this was a boy to get her to spend time with her and he could reap the benefits of having both girls I never told him or gave him permission or her permission to see each other so there's another rule broken I find out after the fact that she's been seeing the Unicorn and then I find out that her the unicorn and the guy slept with another unicorn that we were supposed to sleep with that was a kick to the teeth but the guy I think used the Unicorn to get to my wife in the end and when he gets tired of them I have a feeling that they're going to both get hurt and he's going to go on to the next person in which case I'm going to blast his ass all over it every app on the internet to make sure that he doesn't ever get another piece of pussy if that's the case if not I'm overacting and she's just trying to get out from underneath the marriage and using them as a rebound then that's not a problem but now I look back upon it and the scenario that she went through with her best friend and them fucking the same guy that it seems like he was stalking her on the internet used unicorns relationship with my wife to get you my wife and be able to drive a wedge between me and my wife because he knows I don't like him I never wanted him there and I didn't want him talking to my wife so I'm in a rock and a hard place because what I really want to do is break both of us fucking kneecaps but that shows aggressional mobicide even though I know that his ass is doing something to manipulate one or both of those girls and it's killing me because I can't really say anything because it makes me look like an asshole but everybody else I'm sure can see where I'm leading with this tell me if you think I'm wrong or if I'm going crazy or if I'm just we can be in psychosis cuz it's the end of the relationship and I just I'm grasping at straws trying to put things together like a conspiracist I don't know but I have a good damn gut feeling that that was the situation and if that's the case I ever find that out Lord help him

[AG****]

You know what im done dealing with her if have to hate her to get over her then so be it..Im through being a cockold and second to anyone anymore fuck her my wife is gonebmy driend mary the slut was born..I now identify as a asshole from now on no more capt sav a hoe