D/s relationships

[Br****]

Can a D/s relationship be and stay casual if it’s long term? Or does it typically get serious? My partner and I are in an open relationship (and haven’t as of yet established boundaries and expectations) but he has met a Domme and he wants her to teach him how to be a sub. She said all she is looking for is fun and that she does this for fun but she wants it to be long term. I don’t feel comfortable with this at all as I feel like my partner with grow closer and closer to her and further and further from me. We’re trying to settle the argument of can the D/s relationship be casual and stay casual or is it more likely to develop into a serious relationship. Please give us your thoughts/experiences/input so we can further our discussion! Thank you 💜

[NJ****]

It can turn serious in the long run. I do know people that have been play partners for a while. I’m not an open relationship type of guy so I can really say much more

[Deleted Member]

When people attach and their feelings are not reciprocated, they slowly build the confidence to move on. Just be there for him when he had enough

[Deleted Member]

If you don't feel comfortable with the setup, that should be the end of the discussion. My partner and I are poly and lenient but if it makes each other uncomfortable, that's where it stops.

But to answer your question, a relationship CAN be long term and casual. I had a friend who was a great submissive. I slept with her for several years. She found a boyfriend and I let her go. I was happy for her. She knew I would never date her. She was happy for the sex, but happier to find a guy that LOVED HER *AND* would have sex with her. She met my girlfriend a few years back and was happy I found someone too.
Takes emotional honesty from all involved, but it can happen.

[Ta****]

There is a line in the sand between play and commitment. A lot of us are fine keeping it casual til the cost benefit analysis shows it's not worth the time. D/s type play and doesn't leak into daily protocols and stuff could never get serious. When it leaves the play sessions/scenes is when it typically gets serious. For me it always starts play, but once the actual power exchange happens and daily protocols are established I will expect commitment

[Da****]

The most important thing I’m hearing is that you’re uncomfortable and you’re in the process of setting boundaries together. Until you’re both comfortable with a partner (whoever it is), that should be resolved first. There’s *always* a relationship dynamic between a dom and sub, and like all relationships it can be a bit blurry, so it’s important the two of you come to an agreement about boundaries. How often he sees his dom, being transparent about feelings, sharing his experience with you, making sure you prioritize your own relationship, etc.

[Deleted Member]

I think the only honest answer is that we can’t answer you.


Yes. It can be casual and stay casual. This happens lots and lots online.

Yes, it can start casual and grow more serious.


That being said, I’m not sure you’re both asking the right question.

Starts casual, stays casual => no obvious issue.

Starts casual, becomes serious => possible issue.


The relevant question would seem to be

If this starts casual and gets serious how can you two maintain the current or increased intimacy in your relationship?

[Qu****]

I agree with most of the comments. The point is you are uncomfortable with and he shouldn't do that. He has a tendency to be a sub and subs are most likely to grow attachment towards their dom regardless whether their dom is a pro or looking for fun only.

[va****]

This is going sound odd but it actually easier for male Dom not to be attached then female Domme ...

[DarkArts1066]

I wish there was a single, straight answer to this, but it really does depend on the individuals involved.

There is always a line that shall not be crossed though…. And for myself, and I think for many in the lifestyle, it is mutual happiness and acceptance of a situation.

If one party is uncomfortable with something, then that should be an end to it.

I have had one long term casual relationship which turned into something more. It cost me a relationship with someone else though.

Now, to be fair to all parties, that relationship was to all intents and purposes, done and over… but it gave my (ex) partner a reason to focus on the negative, when had we simply parted before the new relationship developed, I believe things would have been less antagonistic.

If one is in a Poly relationship, it is absolutely crucial to establish boundaries for that early on. I don’t personally believe there can be any ambiguity about that.

If you don’t both understand the rules, how can you play the game ?.

Do you attend your partners sessions with his Domme ?
Is that a possibility ?
Would you be comfortable doing that ?

I know someone who has been married to his wife for over 25 years, and has had the same sub (not her) for 20.
They have absolute trust, and there are lines which are not blurred or broken. Ever.

Trust is everything, so make sure you both know the rules.

[Pe****]

You’re in an open relationship and haven’t as of yet established boundaries and expectations and he’s already met a Domme?
.

Setting boundaries and expectations is the first thing you do if you agree to be in an open relationship. How are you expecting it to work without that?

[Ca****]

If you're uncomfortable, which is totally fair, that's an issue, I hope he realizes. Hopefully you can both come to an understanding on the situation and both be happy. A D/s dynamic can be anything you want it to be. My first D/s dynamic was about 2 years, we typically met weekly, but sometimes our schedules didn't sync up here and there. Since I lived in a different town, sometimes I would stay the night. There was no romance, I liked them as a person and Domme obviously but I never fell for her and we spent a lot of time together at her house, kink events, etc. We were great friends and had a really fun dynamic until I moved 2 states away for a job.

I had another dynamic that was short lived (also due to a move out of state), I really enjoyed their company, skill set, knowledge, play style and we played a few times a month for about 6 months. I could see the potential for us to date but never pursued it.

You could always talk about setting boundaries for what is acceptable within their potential dynamic. Do you trust your partner? That's key. You should definitely discuss your relationships boundaries and expectations ASAP. I imagine an open relationship can be a difficult thing to navigate! Better to have a GPS signal so neither of you get lost, so to speak.

[ey****]

Here's a few points.   If you are going to open a relationship you need to have a loose expectation on boundaries and expectations before either of you look at other partners.  There may need to be some scope for evolving or looking at different scenarios as they occur, but there should be a baseline.

If your worry is that your partner will grow closer to the other person and further from you - then - the two of you are not ready for an open relationship.   Because the risk exists, on paper, in any scenario.   And, of course, if someone is giving up just an hour a month to be with another person this is an hour less of their time you get (and the same is true vice versa) and this is something you have to basis on how much is too much?  Is there flexibility for special occasions ? 

Equally, a partner having a relationship with someone else that becomes serious in any way, shape, or form, doesn't mean they're any less committed to you.   

 

[P_****]

Any kind of non monogamy requires a *huge* amount of discussion around boundaries, expectations, emotions, sex, etc. There's a long running joke that it's 80% admin and 20% sex - this applies even if it's just open sexually. No one should go into anything without all of this being talked about beforehand, and the fact that he's already pursuing something that makes you uncomfortable is a red flag imo. The only way to get through this is to talk, talk, talk. You need to decide if this is a hard limit for you or not and go from there.

[AZ****]

That depends on lots of factors, not the least of which is the parties involved. There's also sickness, affluence/*** trouble, mental/spiritual well-being, family - especially kids.

[Mi****]

You can't really have an open relationship that isn't "open", you're either okay with it being open or you're looking for multiple romantic partners and those are 2 very different things. Send the domme my way though 🤣

[no****]

Yes. But with caveats - I'd say if your partners Domme has said they want casual, your partner ought to immediately adapt their mindset towards preserving that. I understand that potentially the places a person goes to in a submissive space might make this hard, but establishing a clear separation between life and play is important in this specific case.
An example of this is a veto on any kind of tasks etc in times they are away from their Domme. Doing things in preparation to meet them is fine, but things like bans on cumming usually doesn't work if you two have an active sex life.
If the Domme is not happy with this, maybe they're not right for your partner.

I'm in a similar position (Dom, in a happy ENM marriage) and my way of operating is I make it extremely clear right at the start that the new partner will reach the relationship equivalent of FWB and no higher. We also will plan exit strategies together, as well as regular check ins on an emotional level.
This has worked very well over the last 7 yrs or so. Obvs there's ups and downs, it still hurts when even a casual relationship ends, but having the rock of your primary relationship helps.

You should also make your feelings and concerns clear to your partner as soon as you can, and keep that dialogue regular too :)

[NotHisPrincess]

Personally I think the depth of connection with Ds it's tricky not to feel attachment. But this is only me and my experience.
Open relationships need lots of conversations I would be talking to them about how they see it going presumably you can talk to his Mistress?

[ge****]

The question actually isn't so much whether a relationship can stay casual, as whether your relationship can take the possible strain of being open.
.
Having taken the step to agree to it being open - the next step should be to put in place boundaries and rules to protect it as best you can.
.
Consider things like how often you each are able to meet other "playmates", whether any meets are overnight or just a few hours at a club etc, what level of emotional tie, if any, is possible with alternate partners and more besides.
.
Once you have that framework in place only then can you really consider the notion of firstly meeting others, and to what extent those others are met.
.
You of course also have to consider the wants and needs of other potential partners but with boundaries and rules in place you can then approach that with greater clarity.

[Je****]

That's all dependant on those involved. Some people have done it for years and years without their partner knowing. For others, it doesn't work. Just from what little you've said, it doesn't sound promising.

[In****]

I’m the rare breed on here who doesn’t think the Ds dynamic is casual. Or at least it shouldn’t be. Not everyone forms attachments easily though. Is your partner someone who has romanticized their other flings? Casual but long term speaks of a low commitment f**k buddy. If you’re open now, let it play its course and regular check in as they’re relationship develops. Probably should established those boundaries before anything happens though…

[no****]

Also depends on your/their definition of casual. Feelings and casual are not mutually exclusive, it does work. You have to be grown up about it all, really.

[Ve****]

It can go either way all depends on the communication, honesty and what's wanted

[Ma****]

A true Dom/Sub relationship is just that.
A relationship, a relationship by its own standard is something that is deepened through exchange.

In order to understand the ins and outs of an individual and to establish dynamics safely and properly for indulgence and understanding, there has to be gradual learning, which takes commitment, time, exchange of a very personal nature. There is emotion, a psychology to this that attaches itself to those exchanging in this. There is a care that is taken even in the most severe of Kink related punishments and emotional/ bodily sexual suffering, to the most intimate and lighthearted exchanges as well.

It all means something, so there is nothing truly casual about such or any relationship regarding this type of setup.

Anyone telling you otherwise is lying or is in it for the wrong reasons.

[Deleted Member]

And this is why I'm single. I get feelings and I don't share well. You like what you like. You just have to be honest with yourself and your partner.